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AIBU?

To of send a text to my sisters abusive partner

122 replies

Lostmum72 · 17/12/2017 14:09

I’m not really sure if I’ve done the wrong thing! I feel bad but this has been going on for so long and getting worse, she’s scared of him, both our parents are dead I feel I’m the only one she has, but now I’ve betrayed her trust 😞. He calls her names such as twat, cunt, bitch, slapped, ugly trout, made her have sex with him after she had a hysterectomy otherwise he would have an affair. Generally abuses her, makes her repeat that she is a twat! Says unapproapiate things about my niece sexual innuendos, I’ve never said anything to him just listened to her and been there for fear of making things worse! He recently said the only woman he loved was his ex wife, all the others including my sister are bitches and it’s even worse with her cos she has a witch daughter 😡 I finally flipped and sent him a text just saying I was fed up of his abuse to my sister and he needs to calm it down, I was concerned about my sister and niece, and why does he talk to her like he does, she goes to work to keep him cos he can’t work yet he still constantly abuses her! He called me a few names and apparently went into a dark mood, I tried to phone him but he wouldn’t answer, my sister is cross with me and says I’ve caused loads of trouble 😞. I’m thinking maybe I shouldn’t of but it’s so hard when it’s been going on for years. She lives 2 hours away from me with all his friends and family and no one else. I am so worried about her!

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CherryChasingDotMuncher · 17/12/2017 14:12

Oh god he sounds awful. Your poor sister however I feel he'd only take your text out on your sister, these kind of men never see sense no matter who tells them. Can you have your sister and niece at yours? She needs to LTB and you'd be better placed at supporting that

For clarity he makes sexual remarks to his stepdaughter? Is that correct?

Reflexella · 17/12/2017 14:12

I know why you did it but please try not to as he will take it out on her.

Focus your energy on getting her away from this man. Invite her to stay, get her to call women’s aid.

Engaging with him won’t change him.

Worriedrose · 17/12/2017 14:14

Oh dear. What an awful situation for you and your sister and your niece.
I fear he will ramp up the abuse and isolate her more, but maybe it might help her see your at the end of your tether
Could she stay with you, does she want to leave. Does she accept this is an abusive relationship.
I'm sure others with much more experience will come on here, but don't castigate yourself for trying to help. No good will come of that
Sending you

AdalindSchade · 17/12/2017 14:14

You've probably made it worse sadly
How old is the step daughter?

DonnyAndVladSittingInATree · 17/12/2017 14:15

Whilst I understand your anger you did quite a dangerous thing there. OF course he will take it out on her. What will happen now is he will probably make it harder for your sister to talk to you so she has even less support.

Doobigetta · 17/12/2017 14:16

Don't engage with him, because the chances are he'll take it out on her. Just keep saying to her that you're there for her and you'll help if she ever feels ready to leave him.

LoniceraJaponica · 17/12/2017 14:16

Why can't he work?

ijustwannadance · 17/12/2017 14:16

He will take it out on her. He is an utter gobshite. Your DSis needs to LTB. What a dreadful environment for your DN to live in.

Toffeelatteplease · 17/12/2017 14:17

I'm sure you feel less frustrated from having held your tongue for so long but yes you've probably made her life harder. In the short term she may end up punished because he cant get to you or for disloyalty You've probably made it harder for her to see you and harder for her to come to you in a crisis, if shes even allowed to continue her relationship with you. Sorry to be so blunt

All you can do is be there for her when she needs you. That's really what she needs from you

StefMay · 17/12/2017 14:18

I am concerned about your niece as well. How old is she?
If she is a child then you need to report this to social services. Better to fall out with your DS and your niece be safe than read about their demise in the press in the future.

If both are adult females then find out about local safe houses and help them get there.
Sorry.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 17/12/2017 14:21

Horrible horrible fucking cunt. I bet he's the type who quivers when there's a fight in a pub.
He made her have sex there's a word for that.
However it's understandable that you want to send the text, but it'll be your sister who he takes it out on.
He seems like a severe women hater to me.
She really needs to be away from this brute. I agree with pp about letting them stay with you and contacting women's aid.
Yes itll be a squeeze but as long as your dsis and her children are away from this demon. That's the main thing.

Worriedrose · 17/12/2017 14:21

Can you visit her when she is at work and try and talk to her on a break
She needs to get out and it's incredibly frustrating when you're seeing someone you love hurt endlessing by some utter twat. I would find it hard not to vent too.
But she needs to get out, and I desperately hope that he won't stop her seeing you. But I fear he will

endofthelinefinally · 17/12/2017 14:21

Oh dear.
Yes YABU. Very.
I really hope he doesnt punish her or her dd for your text.
Did you talk to her? Arrange an escape plan before you sent the text?

ChasedByBees · 17/12/2017 14:21

I would be most concerned for your niece here. She has much less chance of leaving this situation than your sister. How old is she?

Lostmum72 · 17/12/2017 14:23

Ive tried to offer help for her to come here, she’s always going to do something about it. I’m never invited to her house cos of him. He’s never been violent to her but very abusive. I’ve never done or said anything to him in the nearly 10 years it’s been going on. Even when he abused her at my dads funeral and even left her while she was grieving. Of course she can stay here, of course i’ll Help her but she has to do it herself! I felt at the time he needed to know I knew how he was treating her so he knew she had someone as he tells her she has no one. But I also realise I’ve probably made things worse and it was not the right thing to do, I just feel so desperate and useless. I hate him ! I’m in contact with my niece who is 20 she says they are ok but my sister is very upset with me! She’s probably creeping round him to try and keep him happy 🙄 it’s so annoying and frustrating

OP posts:

Blackteadrinker77 · 17/12/2017 14:24

You are out of order. You should not have gotten involved other than to support your sister.

Can you ring her and check she is safe?

Lostmum72 · 17/12/2017 14:28

No I’m not out of order thank u, I may of done the wrong thing for sheer worry but I’d like to see how u would be in this situation! Yes she’s safe, he isn’t violent towards her and I’m doing everything I can to help and have done for 10 years!!! Imagine that! But I accept I may have done the wrong thing in a moment of madness but I don’t live close, I’m trying my best, my dad isn’t here to help or offer advice my Mum died young. So give me a break!

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PurpleDaisies · 17/12/2017 14:29

She’s probably creeping round him to try and keep him happy 🙄 it’s so annoying and frustrating

If you’re getting annoyed and frustrated, just think what life is like for her. It’s hard to leave abusive partners. I’d very quietly pass her details for women’s aid. Please don’t text her partner again. Try and examine what your motives really were-were you trying to make it better for her or were you trying to make it less frustrating for you to watch?

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 17/12/2017 14:33

Just because he isn't violent that does not mean that she's safe. Yes she might be physically safe but she's not emotionally safe is she. Never underestimate the pain words can cause.

streetlife70s · 17/12/2017 14:34

I’m surprised by everyone’s reaction tbh. If my sister and my niece were facing this kind of abuse and were not sticking up for themselves I’d do it for them. Perhaps not if it was just two adults but the fact the niece has been dragged into this shit show would make me go nuclear.

I don’t think YABU but then again I’d have taken a bat to the bastard and would be serving prison time which 99% of MN would say IBU so don’t listen to me. But for what it’s worth I think it’s good the vile little weasel knows his secret is out.

Originalfoogirl · 17/12/2017 14:35

What on earth did you think it would achieve to send an abusive man a text saying to stop. Did you think he would read it and say “oh your sister says I’m mean to you, I will stop”

And no, she is not safe and neither is your niece. If he is a nasty piece of work he might well become violent.

You made it worse and no, I won’t be cutting you slack because your parents are no longer around. Unless you are 12, it should take a genius to work out that texting him was a really idiotic thing to do.

You have given your sister options, it is up to her to take them. But right now I’m thinking she won’t see you as her “safe space”

MakeMisogynyAHateCrime · 17/12/2017 14:35

Your poor sister, he is an evil, evil cunt and forcing her to have sex makes him a rapist too.
I totally understand why you did what you did, I really do but from bitter experience it’s highly like this will have a poor outcome for her.

As you say she has “always going to do something about it” I understand how heartbreaking it is for you to never see her follow through.

Does he ever leave the house?

Worriedrose · 17/12/2017 14:36

Not sure bashing the op and telling her she's done this for selfish reasons really helps
You now need to get her as much information about leaving as possible, as I said, try and go and see her in her lunch break at work.
and if she cannot take your help for her own reason then the only thing you can do is be there for her. But distance yourself from it in some way, which sounds cruel. But it is all you can do really.
Just as long as she's knows your always there regardless of what's happened

PurpleDaisies · 17/12/2017 14:36

I’m surprised by everyone’s reaction tbh. If my sister and my niece were facing this kind of abuse and were not sticking up for themselves I’d do it for them

NOBODY is saying the abuse is right. We’re all saying texting the abuser saying stop it is likely to make things worse for the op’s sister not better because he’ll go at her for telling other people what’s going on.

Lostmum72 · 17/12/2017 14:36

I’ve actually been an abusive relationship myself I know how hard it is! But do nothing for 10 years.....no it wasn’t for me actually. But yes the wrong thing with hindsight, but I just don’t know what to do. I’ll pay for a hotel for her, i’ll Do anything for her anything at all. I won’t text him again but I don’t really know what to do. It’s awful I’m worried sick so please don’t tell me how terrible I am. I have done a lot for her and I will continue 😳

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