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Or was this really a horrible thing to say (pregnancy loss related)

(74 Posts)
NotBurpeesAgain Sun 17-Dec-17 10:45:10

I am 3 months pregnant with DC4 and was told a few days ago that the baby will not survive.
DH has not been especially supportive and told me several things I find very hard to forgive.
Yesterday night, once the DCs were in bed, I started to cry. He watched me for a few minutes without trying to comfort me and finally asked "When this is over, how long is it going to take you to move on to something else?"
He is on the phone chatting happily with a family member (he refuses to tell his family about the pregnancy - I wonder if he is ashamed the baby is "not normal") and I want to run away and Never come back. AIBU?

isthismummy Sun 17-Dec-17 10:47:52

I'm so sorry to hear of what you are going through.

Your H ( he doesn't deserve the D) is a dick. Is he normally so utterly lacking in empathy?

Wellonlyifihavetoo Sun 17-Dec-17 10:51:31

What a complete and utter cunt. I’m so sorry you are going through this, especially with no support. Do you have support from other family so you don’t have to rely on that cretin?

RandomMess Sun 17-Dec-17 10:52:47


I have been reading many of your posts, your H is nasty - make your plans to leave, do you want your DC to believe this is how you treat someone? This is way more than his awful attitude to your current devastating news/situation.


Rebeccaslicker Sun 17-Dec-17 10:52:49

Literally the last thing you need on top of the worst news you could have had at the worst time of the year. So sorry OP. I don't care if he's hiding his feelings or if he has no feelings - neither end of that spectrum is a good reason to make you feel like shit.

OnTheRise Sun 17-Dec-17 10:53:50

It's a pretty thoughtless thing to say, yes. But it does sound like he might still be in shock about the news, and feel frozen and not know how to react appropriately.

If he's usually lovely, give him time to find his way through this.

I am so sorry, Burpees.

NotBurpeesAgain Sun 17-Dec-17 10:54:37

There has been abuse for several years (I found lots of help and advice on MN). I do not want to do anything now because I am probably not thinking straight, but I think this Is going to be the last straw.

Bombardier25966 Sun 17-Dec-17 10:55:06

It's a horrible thing to say. You're grieving for a child you'll never get to know, and that's as valid as any other grief. For many of us that never really goes away, it gets easier but that feeling will still appear and knock you for six.

This should have been my child's first Christmas, January my child's first birthday. Anybody that has an issue with me (or you) quietly acknowledging such events is an arse, and it's them that has the problem and not you.

ferntwist Sun 17-Dec-17 10:57:25

OP my heart goes out to you. I’m so sorry for your loss. I’ve had miscarriages in the 12th week and I know how much you will be hurting and in shock. He should never have let you cry alone like that and his comment was very cruel. It sounds like he’s taking his anger about what is happening out on you. Of course you should be able to tell friends and family if you want to. This is your pregnancy and your lost baby. He can’t control you.

CharisMama Sun 17-Dec-17 11:04:21

Wow. I'm really sorry about your baby.

I hope the thing that you "move on to next" is thinking about how you deserve more. :-/

Mxyzptlk Sun 17-Dec-17 11:05:12

That is a horrible thing to say and doesn't even make sense as you can't know how you'll feel.
If he's being unsupportive to you, in general, try to ignore him as much as you can while you are going through this awful time.

roomgr Sun 17-Dec-17 11:10:43

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

AnUtterIdiot Sun 17-Dec-17 11:13:07

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GreenTulips Sun 17-Dec-17 11:13:33

That's fucking harsh!

How's dare you not consider people feelings about a new life! How horrible

Wellonlyifihavetoo Sun 17-Dec-17 11:14:29

Roomgr 🖕🏻Reported.

DuchessofManchester Sun 17-Dec-17 11:15:41

You nasty piece of shot roomgr. Reported your vile comment

yippyyappy Sun 17-Dec-17 11:16:55

Dont feed the trolls people.

Op I sending you healing thoughts. X

Missingstreetlife Sun 17-Dec-17 11:17:00

So sorry. Maybe for ever, tho it will get better. Is he hiding grief or just a pig? Look after yourself, get out when you can.

yippyyappy Sun 17-Dec-17 11:17:49

Seriously, ignore. They only do it for the comments. Give them the time they deserve. None.

JustVent Sun 17-Dec-17 11:28:34

That’s abominable. Why is he being such an unsupportive bastard?
Is he usually this bad when things are tough? Did he want the baby?

Something similar happened to me in the summer, DH really didn’t want the baby. He was supportive though.

You deserve support, time and love.
I’m so sorry to hear about your baby. It’s so hard isn’t it?

chickenowner Sun 17-Dec-17 11:31:22

I have read some nasty thing on MN but I think this is the worst.

Please at least consider making plans to leave this man. He is cruel and doesn't care about your or your baby.

Rudgie47 Sun 17-Dec-17 11:45:20

Sorry your going through this.
When you've got yourself sorted do yourself a massive favour and tell him to fuck off and that its over.
Even if you struggle its better than being with a first class bastard like him.

NotBurpeesAgain Sun 17-Dec-17 11:57:29

He has invited some clients for coffee This afternoon. I am not playing the role of the cheerful hostess. I think I am going to do some Christmas shopping and come back when they have left.

PerryPerryThePlatypus Sun 17-Dec-17 12:10:41

He's a horrible person. You are worth so much more than being the dirt on the bottom of his shoe.

NotBurpeesAgain Sun 17-Dec-17 13:52:04

He is stonewalling me now. I cannot take it any more. If I did not have 3 other children I would die with my baby. I told him I was going to do a food shop. He did not even look at me. I am sitting in my car now. I cannot drive, I am crying too Much. All I wanted was a little love and support.

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