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AIBU?

AIBU to think my children have the shittest family ever?

24 replies

HoarseMackerel · 17/12/2017 10:33

I suppose it's because it's Christmas and there was an incident the other day, which has got me dwelling again.

There's a huge backstory so I'll try and be brief.

About 3 years ago I found out that my lovely daughter had been abused by my father. There had been a few incidents and obviously terrible but she was brave enough to speak out.
I thought little of my father and my mother to a certain extent before this.
My father was dishonest about other things and my mother just forgave him and was needy and controlling.
My mother was furious that my daughter had spoken out and I received one call from her saying she hated her.
My brother stuck with my parents as he was broke and needed somewhere to live and relies on them even though he is 40.
We waited a very long time for it to get to court and my beautiful brave daughter stood up and told what had happened and he was found guilty and went to prison.
My exH, both my DC father was supportive at the beginning and went to court etc and spent some time with us.
He used to say that his mother/current wife/brother were all worried sick but I never heard from them or got any calls.
Eventually, we moved (not far) and both my DC are working, my daughter is at college and my son has his own place.
The time me and my exH spent together looking after DD seemed to trigger some jealousy in my ExH wife and I received some vile fb messages from her which just reeked of insecurity to me. I was shocked but blocked her and said no more about it.
I thought my ExH should have been furious with her as we'd obviously been through a really shit time and the little amount of time he supported us certainly wasn't a fun time.
Not heard from any of my ExH family. They don't even send birthday cards etc. They say that my DC should have visited them but we were absolutely on our knees. We didn't visit anyone for months.
My ExH seems to have the DC on trial all the time. They don't do enough apparently. He doesn't understand teenagers at all. He thinks that they should formally visit him once a week I think but they work, both in retail so you can imagine how busy they are. Some days my daughter leaves the house at 8am and doesn't get home until 10pm.
ExH has totally lost touch with their lives. I don't think he even knows my son has his own place.
The other day my ExH brother blanked my son twice in one day! I presume this is out of loyalty to his DB but surely he can see his DB's behaviour is wrong?
He could keep in touch with my DC independently.
We've got my sister and her family and she's got two lovely DC around the same age as mine. I love them all (and my BIL) but the rest of the family are shitter than shit.
Extended family, I've never heard from any of them since the incident with my father.
Not one single message!
AIBU to think my DC have been taught that they really can not rely on anyone much? I'm surprised they are not completely bitter and angry all the time.

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 17/12/2017 10:39

Sadly you do sound right. Tough times do tend to separate your real friends and family from the weak pretenders.

Concentrate on your sister and her family and any good friends you have. Demonstrate to your brave dc that you are better than those who have let you down and it’s a better way to live and to be.

I’ve had some similar wake up calls this year and it hurts. Flowers

Btw, you sound awesome.

Whiterabbitears · 17/12/2017 10:46

YANBU OP your DC do have a shit family and your ex and his family are a disgrace. You sound like a brilliant mum though and they are lucky to have you. They also have their aunt and cousins which is great. Flowers for your DD she's a very brave girl and well done her for moving on with her life and getting a job.

Branleuse · 17/12/2017 10:49

SOME of their family are spectacularly shit, and it sounds like youve been through a massive amount, but still have your little unit. The rest of those fuckers dont deserve to call themselves family. Theyre just people you happen to share some genetics with

Peanutbuttercheese · 17/12/2017 10:53

I think the fact they aren't bitter and angry shows you have done an absolutely amazing job raising them especially because of what your DD and all of you have been through.

I cannot understand your Mothers reaction at all that must have hurt you very deeply.

I think that your dc have been taught that they can rely on some but not all and the most important person in their life which is you is indeed 100% rock solid reliable. This gives your dc the strength to get through all of this. I just hope you are getting support.

Knittedfairies · 17/12/2017 11:10

Your daughter may have learned that she cannot rely on everyone; what she has also learned is that her mum will fight her corner in the face of all-comers. 💐 to you, Mackerel.

Missingstreetlife · 17/12/2017 11:10

Happy Xmas to you and wonderful strong independent mature kids, treasure your sister, obvs she has same rubbish family of origin. Kids make own choices, at least dad was there for a while when it mattered. Support each other, best revenge is happy life. You are a ⭐️

Blackteadrinker77 · 17/12/2017 11:16

Well done for being strong enough to get your daughter through that.

Sounds like you did a great job raising two hard working young adults. Doesn't sound like they need their extended family

wednesdayswench · 17/12/2017 11:20

Your DC have you, and you sound pretty awesome. Treasure them and your sister. Thanks

Theimpossiblegirl · 17/12/2017 11:30

It is shit, I know where you're coming from. You and your sister sound great. Sod the rest of them, they really don't deserve you. make some new traditions, treasure each other. Xx

PieAndPumpkins · 17/12/2017 11:42

Wow it's almost like reading my family history. I have learnt there's nothing you can do about shit people. You can't make shit people care, and you can't make shit people do the right thing. It's a total waste of energy to even think on them.
I'm really glad your children have an incredible mum, you have clearly been an amazing support to them and I have masses of respect to you for that.
Your children might go through bitter phases at times in their life, just continue to be there for them and focus on the family members who do give a shit. I found it far less painful to just cut the shit people out of my life than continue feeling sad they don't care. It maybe does sway me when I read posts on here for example, of people dwelling on their crappy relatives - i just want to send them a hug and encourage them to walk away. That's probably not always the best answer, but I know I'm personally much much happier not wasting energy on family who don't care, even if that does include a parent. Best of luck to you all, I hope you can have a lovely family Christmas just together.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 17/12/2017 11:45

I'm appalled at your mum, Mackerel, mum's are supposed to be the one that you can always turn to. At least your children know that they will always be able to do this.

Yes, you definitely have a shit family and I'm including your vacillating ExH in that. He has children that he is just not making the effort for and it's his effort to make. I would just cut that side of the family off and stop having expectations of them at all. They're not worth your time.

Celebrate your sister and her children; they're with you and your children and I hope that you will spend some time at Christmas together.

You are indeed a star... Star

Koala2018 · 17/12/2017 11:45

Goodness they sound like a nightmare, your poor daughter :( You sound like you're doing the best job you can for them. It might be good for them to have a positive relationship with their father, maybe invite him over to openly communicate how this can happen.

Whinesalot · 17/12/2017 11:54

But at least they have an amazing mum. Some kids are not lucky enough to even have that.
Concentrate on the good family members. Have no expectations about the others and be pleasantly surprised on the odd occasions they come up trumps.

Ellie56 · 17/12/2017 11:59

Agree it is well shit but your kids are lucky to have you as their mum, your sister and her family and presumably friends. Clearly that is enough for them.

They just don't need all the losers from the extended family in their lives and nor do you.

Don't give the hideous people another thought and just concentrate on cherishing all the lovely people you have in your life instead.

onalongsabbatical · 17/12/2017 12:04

You're quite right, they are a selfish, dreadful bunch.
You, however, are a brilliant, wise, caring and wonderful mum, and have done a phenomenal job with your kids in the most difficult and stressful of circumstances. And your daughter is a brave star.
I'd waste as little emotional energy on the rest of them as is possible.
Flowers for you and your children.

Autumnskiesarelovely · 17/12/2017 12:18

Awful. However they have you. Try not to waste too much energy thinking about them - refocus all of it on a great life for you and your kids. Have you good friends? I had to rely much more on friends and I built an amazing support network.

Your kids will be very resilient and learn good relationships if they can see you find support elsewhere. They may become extra stable partners and parents themselves.

ringle · 17/12/2017 12:22

Yabu there are quite a few great people in their family.

somanybloodysticks · 17/12/2017 12:55

You are an amazing Mum! It's awful that you have all had to go through this but, take yourself as the role model here. You grew up with selfish, messy parents (from what you've said). But rather than continue the pattern you have become incredibly strong. YANBU to worry but I reckon your wee team are doing great. Good luck OP. xx

Bluntness100 · 17/12/2017 12:59

God, your poor daughter.

Is your mother still with him? Is he still in jail?

HoarseMackerel · 17/12/2017 13:44

I sometimes dream of having the chance to tell them all what I think about their disgusting behaviour but know that people like this just wouldn't listen or care.
They're believing their behaviour is perfect so they can feel good about themselves.
I would never try and get my ExH over to reconnect with DC. I know he will be horrible to them and guilt them. None of it will be his doing.
They've been through enough.
As far as I know, my father would be released from prison about now. I expect he's gone back home and been welcomed with open arms.
I always remember in court, I was a witness (with very little info) and when I walked in, my father cried. You could easily see it was because he knew he'd ruined our lives and then lied about it but no, my mother couldn't see any of that.
I don't know what she thinks or believes now but I know she would never approach me as she would be too scared of anything I would say or do. She's a weak woman and we're complete opposites.
My work friends particularly were 100% supportive. Some of them, I'd worked with for 30+ years and they are more like family than my real family and a couple of others, especially one who is really strong and didn't shy away from the subject as I appreciate some people find it difficult.
Both DC are doing so well. My DD is a genius! Top grades and works so hard. Even managed to ace her GCSEs even though they were not long after. My DS and his GF are so lovely. I literally burst with pride at how fantastic they are which in a roundabout way makes it worse as they really do deserve better.
Obviously I'm reaping the rewards of being a strong Mum to them as we have all the fun and laughs.
My DS and gf are on their way over for a cuppa now.
I love every minute I spend with them.
I feel a bit better to get it off my chest. The exBIL blanking started me off again. I don't really care if people are off with me but I really feel completely disappointed for my DC.

OP posts:
ringle · 17/12/2017 15:55

I think this is more about your parents than your kids.

Yours kids have a reasonable deal, it seems to me. Great mum, nice aunt and even the ropey dad came through for them when they were most in need.

HoarseMackerel · 17/12/2017 18:55

The parents are some what an issue due to one being a convicted paedophile and the other fully supportive of that.

I may have given the impression that my ExH was a rock in the situation. He was only there for the parts where people could see him doing things. He wasn't there for the long, hard road to recovery. The counselling, the panic attacks, the logistics of keeping my DD feeling safe in the town where we all lived. My father was on bail for nearly 2 years!

In the whole, we don't let it affect our lives but every now and then there is something that reminds me and makes me so angry for my DC.
I'm not talking about people they've never known. I'm talking about people who were part of their lives but then let them down in all sorts of ways.

OP posts:
ringle · 17/12/2017 19:46

I think that provided one parent has her/his back a child will be ok.

What about you? Do you ever allow yourself to be angry just for yourself?

HoarseMackerel · 17/12/2017 20:23

My anger is completely directed towards my mother.
My father did a terrible thing but it doesn't take much thinking about.
He's a disgusting human.
My mother had choices. She could have believed what had happened and we could have all supported each other. She didn't even consider it.

I know my DC will be ok. Their lives are good now and I don't think they are missing out on anything particularly but it's all just such a shame.
They are not far from being children but these people are adults and should act better.
Where's their love and decency?

OP posts:
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