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To be gutted DM chose boyfriend over me?

(61 Posts)
furryous Sun 17-Dec-17 09:49:47

I've moved out and there is a massive history of gaslighting. Her bf is pervy and has felt me up twice in the 6mths they've known eachother, I've told her and she's denied it even though it was right in front of her. Now she's telling me that he's spending xmas with us and she 'already told me'. I will not spend xmas with this perv so I'm facing spending it alone. The reason I moved out was my DB moved back in and she was giving me shit for everything yet letting him get away with everything. For clarity she owes me 10k+. I tried to support her and feel like she's just thrown it back in my face. Sorry if this makes no sense I'm writing it in tears sad

BrizzleDrizzle Sun 17-Dec-17 09:51:46

thanksthat's awful, I'm so sorry.

Do you have the money to arrange a day for yourself - a slap up meal, going somewhere else for the day or anything?

streetlife70s Sun 17-Dec-17 09:56:14

Can I ask how old you are It doesn’t make a huge difference but if you are under 18 you would get different support from agencies and if you are late twenties, thirties you may be more likely to be able to go NC than perhaps someone who is still very young which is no more than she deserves and you may feel better about moving your own life on without her.

Slipperqueen3 Sun 17-Dec-17 09:57:08

That sounds dreadful. How old are you?

furryous Sun 17-Dec-17 09:58:48

BrizzleDrizzle I could but for xmas itself I feel so lonely. My boyfriend is going abroad and I don't want to impose on my landlady. I just feel gutted as DM always insisted on xmas being a 'family thing', so I never brought boyfriends or anything. It seems sad to stay in bed!

BulletFox Sun 17-Dec-17 09:59:31

Aww, that sounds awful

debbs77 Sun 17-Dec-17 10:02:46

Could you volunteer for a local refuge or homeless shelter? Would be an amazing thing to do xx

ShowMePotatoSalad Sun 17-Dec-17 10:07:27

Have you got social media?

Go on and explain the situation (if you don't feel comfortable saying what's happened just say "due to a really difficult family situation I will be alone this Christmas"). And ask if anyone would be so kind as to let you share Christmas with them.

If that doesn't work, whatever you do don't stay in bed on Christmas Day, even if you're alone. Make yourself a lovely meal and something special to drink (champagne?). You won't be imposing on your landlady - you pay rent and have every right to be there! Buy a Radio Times and circle everything YOU want to watch. Go out for a Christmas Day walk. You deserve to enjoy Christmas - don't let others ruin it for you.

AnchorDownDeepBreath Sun 17-Dec-17 10:11:32

Could you volunteer for a local refuge or homeless shelter? Would be an amazing thing to do x

A lot of people will suggest this; from a good place, but it's not quite as easy as it sounds. Usually the Christmas slots fill up in Feb - it's the most popular time for volunteering. I've done it; and whilst it was lovely, it didn't help with the loneliness - there's a lot of families doing it together or people excitedly waiting to be picked up after, so it's not really a "safe place".

Christmas by yourself isn't so bad; but I'd second putting a call out to friends and seeing if anyone has a free space, and taking a look for local events for people who will be by themselves. There's a few pubs here who do a Christmas meal aimed at people by themselves for whatever reason. I had no idea until someone bought me a ticket anonymously a year or two ago!

Notevilstepmother Sun 17-Dec-17 10:12:49


Blackteadrinker77 Sun 17-Dec-17 10:17:23

Can you go to grand parents or your Dads?

PS- Can someone please tell me what gas lighting means for a newbie to mn? smile

BulletFox Sun 17-Dec-17 10:20:30

Gaslighting is horrible, it's when someone makes you doubt your own mind so you get confused and disorientated.

The word became famous from a film, think it was from 1940s (black and white one, anyway)

Abingdon Sun 17-Dec-17 10:27:09

Gaslighting is from the film 'Gas Light'. I think it was about a guy who would dim the gas lights in the house, and when the wife noticed, he would deny it and tell her she was imaging things. Over time, his actions caused her to doubt her own perception and mind so she couldn't even trust herself any more. It's a horrible thing, and can have such a negative effect on anyone at the receiving end of it.

Seconding/thirding/repeating the suggestion to put a call out on social media. It might seem embarrassing but it's something I do regularly since I don't often have family around at Christmas either. You might be surprised at the offers you get, sometimes from the most unexpected (but lovely) places!

AnnieAnoniMouse Sun 17-Dec-17 10:27:17

I’m very sorry your mother has chosen him over you. Every day, not just Christmas Day. She’s also choosing your brother over you. I think it’s probavly time to redefine your relationship with her.

If you want to see your £10k again I’d see if there’s any legal route available to you.

Have you looked into a flat share rather than having a landlady? It can be a good way to make friends and puts all of you on an even footing. It’s going to be your home, it’s better not to be in a position where you feel like you’re imposing on someone simply by being home.

Christmas. Honestly, it’s one day, try not to put too much weight in it. You’re an adult & you can do whatever you please on that day. Despite all the adverts & all the hype, lots of people spend Christmas on their own, either through necessity or choice. You really won’t be the only one. It’s easy to fall into the trap of being miserable because it’s expected that Christmas Day everyone will be spending it with family & friends and there’s something wrong with you if you’re not . Try to plan a nice day for sounds like a treat to me!

PieAndPumpkins Sun 17-Dec-17 10:28:10

Okay so breaking this down, you were sexually assaulted and your Mum didn't believe you. Enough said right there really. Make sure she understands the situation, then leave her to it. I would choose lonely over a pervy sexual assaulter and someone who chooses to ignore said abuse, personally.
Do you have any other family? Single friends? When you say impose on your landlady, do you mean you rent a room in her house?

Flappyears Sun 17-Dec-17 10:29:43

Are there no close friends or extended family you could go to? It’s absolutely awful that you’re being treated in this way. I wonder if your mother has the weird thing that males are somehow superior to females? My mother was a bit like that - much preferred her brother and father to her sister and mother.

How come she owes you so much money? And if her boyfriend is so wonderful, why not borrow it off him grin.

Hope your Christmas goes better than you think OP.

Blackteadrinker77 Sun 17-Dec-17 10:50:56

Thanks @bulletfox @abingdon for the explanation

Whinesalot Sun 17-Dec-17 10:57:17

That does suck. Sorry.

rizlett Sun 17-Dec-17 10:57:22

Many people spend Christmas alone. It's just another day really but this year for you it's a day where you can do and eat whatever you want whenever you want.

You are right about not wanting to spend a day with your mum and her BF.

Decide to enjoy your day and let go of all the angst connected to the past.

goose1964 Sun 17-Dec-17 11:21:24

Check your local bulletin boards or websites many areas have a communal meal for people who will be alone at Christmas You don't have to be elderly to go to them , just alone

furryous Sun 17-Dec-17 13:05:26

that is such a good attitude rizlett

and yes Flappyears she does have that attitude. that's the reason I left. my db could do no wrong but everything I said or did (or didn't say/do) was wrong. It was horrible.

Motoko Sun 17-Dec-17 13:54:27

I'd try to avoid your mother as much as possible from now.

Ask around friends and family. We often have one of our friends for christmas dinner, as she's a widow and her other friends don't live nearby, so if she's not staying at theirs, she'd be alone. We love having her here, it's not a burden or a duty, we invite her because we want to share the day with her and don't want her to be alone.

Alternatively, you could see if there's anything like others have suggested. What's your landlady like? Do you get on well? You could ask her what her plans are, and if she's staying at home (I'm assuming you're her lodger) you could ask if she'd mind you joining in.

Usually, on Twitter on christmas day, Sarah Millican starts a # for people who are spending the day alone and the people posting on there all get chatting, so it doesn't feel quite so lonely. I don't remember what it's called, but if you follow Sarah Millican, I'm sure she'll mention it.

CherryChasingDotMuncher Sun 17-Dec-17 14:01:45

thanks that's awful OP I'm so sorry. I've been through similar, my Mum also stayed with him sad

Have you somewhere to go?

Slipperqueen3 Sun 17-Dec-17 14:02:18

Read Toxic Parents.

I also want to tag @Atillathemeercat

Flappyears Sun 17-Dec-17 14:11:51

Well she’s really missing out furryous. I like men but women are fab. I have sons but I’d love a grown up daughter too.

She’s not going to change her attitude though, unfortunately. You may have to mourn the fact that she won’t ever be the mother you wanted her to be. However hard you try, that’s just who she is.

The upside is that you’re no longer dependent on her, you can choose to do things the way you want to do them and you really have no obligation towards her.

Please at least try and sound people out to see whether they an welcome you to theirs. Some people would welcome the extra company.

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