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To be upset and aggrieved at being 'unfriended'

(47 Posts)
YesYouCannes Sat 16-Dec-17 20:22:31

So, I've been friends with this person for around 12 years. We had children around the same time. We've been quite close in the last few years, I supported her through a significant relationship break up and also through a disastrous affair with a married man that went on for far longer than it should have and only served to cause misery for all concerned. Even when she was arguably in the wrong, I supported her and propped her up when needed. I'm her friend, not there to judge.
We used to go to the gym together (I left the gym due to financial stresses at the time), and she was also (and still is) in my book club and we would meet for coffee about once a month. We would text each other most days.

This was until a couple of months ago. I've been going through separation and it's been a really stressful and hard time. To give you the full picture, I met someone else and I think this is where the problem stems from. My marriage has been hanging by a thread for a number of years and I finally took the step to separate in summer. I was honest with my husband about having met someone else, perhaps that wasn't the right thing but I didn't want to have an affair on the side.

My friend was supportive at the time, but has since become very distant and quite bitchy on text, sometimes telling me she feels so sorry for my husband etc (she would only know him to say hello to, not very well). In the last couple of months she's stopped texting altogether unless I send her one, and then I get a very terse reply with no coversation or enquiry as to how I am. It was her birthday a few weeks ago and I got her a card and present as usual, and the morning of her birthday I was going to send her a Facebook message.

It was then that I realised she had de-friended me. I was quite upset at the time, was actually in tears. Quite a kick in the guts. I only have a few close friends, and would have included her that group.
I dropped the gift and card off with her nanny as she was working, and I got a one line message thanking me for the gift.
I've had nothing since.

Clearly she is upset about something, I simply don't know what apart from me leaving my husband, but she did the very same thing about 4 years ago and I supported her without judgement.
I haven't said anything to her about Facebook as I don't want to be petty, and I'm terrible with confrontation. It's eating away at me though, and really makes me feel awful about myself.

Am I blowing this out of proportion? Should I ignore it or straight out ask if there's a problem? Should I just distance myself and realise she's not a real friend or do I deserve this for leaving my husband for someone else (I know that's a pretty awful thing, but we have both been miserable for years and we are trying to amiably sort things out).

MissBax Sat 16-Dec-17 20:26:24

The comments you made about her affair do seem hypocritical considering you're now doing the same. Most likely she feels that too

Redisthemagicolour Sat 16-Dec-17 20:26:52

No-one deserves their friends dropping them because they're leaving their husband. Very few people anyway. It's none of her business really and she should support you. I hate to ask but she's not involved with your husband is she?

CharisMama Sat 16-Dec-17 20:27:56

No you are not being U to feel aggreived?!

I think she is feeling that life id unfair. She left her marriage / H for a dishonest car crash.

You had the integrity to be honest with your H.

Your marriage ended and you got the second chance she wants.

I feel that life is unfair too but i dont push away friends who have more luck than i do. So I kind of get it.

LazyDailyMailJournos Sat 16-Dec-17 20:28:18

I sympathise. She's clearly got an issue one way or the other. It must hurt a lot to have lost a friend that you supported.

I wouldn't chase her. Focus on moving on with your life.

relaxitllbeok Sat 16-Dec-17 20:29:37

My very first thought is that perhaps she knows your husband better than you think! But it could also be that she feels criticised by the difference in how you handled your relationship breakdown and how she handled her affair, especially if she felt judged (even if you didn't intend that).

If she's still in your book club, presumably you'll get more information from that. Otherwise, not a lot you can do. No fun - sympathy.

Wishimaywishimight Sat 16-Dec-17 20:30:13

I would just let it go - she obviously doesn't want to be friends any more. If she wanted to keep the friendship she would have approached you with whatever was bothering her. She didn't and would rather drop the friendship. I wouldn't go chasing her for an explanation if that's what she wants.

YesYouCannes Sat 16-Dec-17 20:31:13

MissBax I didn't make those comments to her about the affair. It was a disaster for her, she was in absolute bits about it and I had nothing but sympathy for her, so there's no way she could feel I am hypocritical.

messofajess Sat 16-Dec-17 20:34:46

It's horribly confusing and I would confront her. my first thought was she is jealous of your character which seems very honest and likeable.

YesYouCannes Sat 16-Dec-17 20:35:20

She's definitely not involved with my husband Red, but she is single and has had a few bad experiences with dating in the past couple of years. She seemed quite happy when I was miserable in my marriage.
I'm actually beginning to wonder if she has an issue with me having found a nice man and a relationship I hope may (taking it very slowly) become permanent.

Worriedrose Sat 16-Dec-17 20:36:07

Very strange behaviour, but people are strange
I get the overall impression that if you've left your husband and are with the new man, then she might feel jealous that you had a happy ending when she didn't. Sadly

YesYouCannes Sat 16-Dec-17 20:36:45

Charismama I think you just hit the nail on the head. Urgh so sad to lose a friend because of something so silly. I really hope she finds someone who makes her happy.

MyBrilliantDisguise Sat 16-Dec-17 20:37:04

I think she's going to be homing in on your husband very soon.

Pidlan Sat 16-Dec-17 20:37:40

I think what's happened to you is making her feel uncomfortably guilty about what she did. The things we dislike most about others is the not-so-great bits of us that are reflected in them. It's her problem, not yours, and she'll be the one missing out.

Joinourclub Sat 16-Dec-17 20:39:37

Maybe she feels that you have been judging her. If you have said something like " I told him I'd met someone, I wanted to do the right thing, I didn't want to have an affair" , maybe she feels like you are not so subtly pointing out that she did have an affair, that she did the wrong thing.

Fuckoffee Sat 16-Dec-17 20:41:18

No wonder you are feeling hurt. Could he have befriended your friend and she has taken his side?

Scribblegirl Sat 16-Dec-17 20:47:43

What pidlan said.

I was once the OW - many many many years ago before I'd ever been in a relationship as serious as the one I broke up.

One of my friends became the OW of a family man recently. I am still her friend, I am trying, but I have to say I had an initial repulsion. Because I feel so bad about it and it inevitably feeds in to the way I view her.

Not her fault, what I did was bad too, just... having come back from that I find it hard to condone it.

Doesn't forgive your friend of course. I've managed to stay quiet because we all have our own choices to make.

YesYouCannes Sat 16-Dec-17 20:48:25

I see what you mean Join. I didn't think I was casting any sort of judgement on her by saying I didn't want to have an affair, wasn't like my behaviour was superior to hers or anyone else's. Maybe she took it that way though. I just knew it would get messy and complicated if I did carry on down the affair route and my marriage was so crap that it was almost a relief.
God, I'm hardly one to judge anyone, life is long and complicated and we all create our own messes sometimes - for better or worse and I really get that we sometimes make choices that other people don't understand or approve of....sometimes we do things that even we don't understand!

She I was so hurt by her affair and I felt for her so much, I would never want her to think I was being morally superior which I assure you I definitely wasn't.

I do think that the part of her not being so pleased for my happiness rings true. 🙁

YesYouCannes Sat 16-Dec-17 20:52:13

That's very true Scribble. Since her affair she has become incredibly critical of all affairs and has taken the moral high ground a lot. Perhaps a hurtful experience like that brings back bad memories for her, and she wants to distance herself from it.

I'm kind of smiling at the commenters who think she might be at it with my husband. Honestly, that's not the case - but a somewhat hilarious thought!

Worriedrose Sat 16-Dec-17 20:52:27

I would send her an email and tell her that you're an important friend and that you want to stay friends. (If you do)
Be honest, she might be struggling.
No friend actually wants to see their friend suffer, but sometimes we can find it hard when someone else's life turns out as we had hoped ours had.
She's then got an opportunity to get back in contact and if she doesn't then you know that the friendship is at an end

MyBrilliantDisguise Sat 16-Dec-17 20:53:59

The reason I said she'd be after your husband is because she's on his side now, even though you've acted properly. She's also got form for going after a married man. I think you should look out for it.

justilou1 Sat 16-Dec-17 20:55:56

Perhaps someone is angling to console your husband and end up with her own happily ever after?

thegrinchreaper Sat 16-Dec-17 21:00:31

People don't like to think badly of themselves. Your integrity has highlighted how ashamed she might feel about how she went about things. To take that feeling away, she's had to cut you out (and you might not be the only one).
Or, she's got designs on your ex.

yippyyappy Sat 16-Dec-17 21:01:16

I have a few friends who were really close when I was having a shit time. Now life is good for me they've dropped me. And strangely are now friends with other people who are having rough times. Im not sure if they like to feel needed or simply don't like to be friends with anyone that's happy as it brings them down.

Since I've turned 40 I've given less of a shit though really.

Fairenuff Sat 16-Dec-17 21:02:35

I can't understand how you were so close and yet you haven't spoken to her about this.

Phone her up and talk to her.

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