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Dh doesn't have time for me

(241 Posts)
strawberrymarshmallow Sat 16-Dec-17 19:16:27

NC incase this outs me...

My dh never seems to have any time for me.

During the week he starts work early and generally finishes about 6pm. Mon & tues after work he then has lectures and study until around 10pm. Wed & thur nights he leaves work a bit earlier and has his kids. He generally sees them at his parents house and not at ours as otherwise his parents complain that they don't see enough of their grandchildren. Fridays he generally sees his friends (lads night only type thing). Saturdays he has the kids at our house and generally takes them out somewhere. I sometimes join in on this but just feel a bit like a spare part. I also don't want to infringe on their quality time with their dad. Sundays he spends all day studying or doing tasks like washing the car etc.

I try my best not to complain about never spending any time together as he is very busy and stressed but it's been getting me down lately. I also do all of the household stuff like cleaning, tidying and diy that he doesn't have time to do but I'm starting to feel like a bit of a push over. I also work full time.

Today he said that it's my fault that he doesn't get to study more because on Sundays I am always trying to distract him to do something with me. I said to him that he makes time for everything else in his life and I am questioning why I am not important to him. If we go out for a coffee on Sunday he will moan the whole time that he should be studying and doesn't value the time spent with me.

I'm thinking about leaving him. I feel like I am just his cook and cleaner. I care so much about him and he acts like he doesn't even give my feelings a second thought.

I don't know what the solution is. Obviously he needs to go to work, study for this qualification (he needs to get to the next stage in his career), he needs to see his kids and his friends. I can't ask him to cut down on doing any of these things because it wouldn't be right of me to do so. He legitimately has to do it all. But I am feeling lonely and surely my needs and feelings are worth something too.

I probably am being unreasonable but just needed to vent.

Sprinklestar Sat 16-Dec-17 19:19:40

Yanbu. Sounds like you’re a live in housekeeper!

Pengggwn Sat 16-Dec-17 19:22:22

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Percephone Sat 16-Dec-17 19:23:13

He sees his friends more than you. I don't think it's normal to see friends every week when he has so little time for his partner. What would he say if you asked him to spend some Fridays with you? I'm sorry, it doesn't sound like a great relationship. Will there be an end point to his studying soon? If it doesn't seem like there will be major changes in future then I'd be inclined to walk.

Pengggwn Sat 16-Dec-17 19:23:36

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Allabitmuchisntit Sat 16-Dec-17 19:24:26

Yanbu. Maybe you should start doing your own thing when he's studying/with friends/with children. See where that takes you.

BiglyBadgers Sat 16-Dec-17 19:27:19

Of course he could prioritise his time to spend some of with you if he wanted to. He doesn't though. I have to wonder what you are getting out of this relationship to be honest, you may as well just have a house share with someone.

bigchris Sat 16-Dec-17 19:27:48

How old is he ?

Studying and 'Fridays he generally sees his friends (lads night only type thing)' makes him sound young

Why did the relationship with the mother of his children break up?

SanitaFannyWelly Sat 16-Dec-17 19:27:51

He complains about the time he does spend time with you when the opportunity arises?
Bin him off, he doesn’t care about you.
He keeps you around to facilitate his life.

hidinginthenightgarden Sat 16-Dec-17 19:29:39

Yanbu if he has so little time then he should alternate his Friday evenings between you and his mates.

happypoobum Sat 16-Dec-17 19:30:45


He sees the DC at his parents as otherwise they don't see them? What about you not seeing him?

It does come across like he sees you as somewhat of an inconvenience and is taking you totally for granted.

Fuck that shit. Life is too short.

Poshindevon Sat 16-Dec-17 19:31:05

YANBU your DH has nothing to offer you. You sound as if your making excuses for him. He does not have to see his friends you should come first. You need to give him a wake up call

Monoblock67 Sat 16-Dec-17 19:31:28

Ask him why he doesn’t spend less time with his friends if he thinks he doesn’t get enough study time, you should be a priority in his life.

specialsubject Sat 16-Dec-17 19:31:57

The man doesn't appear to even like you very much. Is there any relationship here?

If not, looks like the time has come. And assuming he is even bothered enough to have sex with you, a) stop and b) make damn sure not to get pregnant.

Blackteadrinker77 Sat 16-Dec-17 19:33:03

Could you wash the car etc to help him free up some time?

Can he see his friends every 3rd Friday and spend the other 2 with you?

Does he actually want to spend time with you.

laudanum Sat 16-Dec-17 19:34:18

Dump him. If he moans when you ask him to make time for you, when he doesn't actually have any time with you, then it's a dead horse.

shadesofwinter Sat 16-Dec-17 19:37:51

I agree, it sounds like he sees you as a housekeeper.

How long have you been together?

I think in your position I'd be getting out.

strawberrymarshmallow Sat 16-Dec-17 19:39:49

He will be studying for the next 2.5 years. So that side of things won't change until then. I feel terrible if I suggest that he cuts time out with his friends as he then says I am trying to stop him seeing them! The thing is though say he saw me every other Friday night and his friends the next we would still only spend a Friday night together once every two weeks. I'm still not sure this is enough.
@Blackteadrinker77 Every 3rd Friday with his friends would probably work better. But as for washing his car... I just feel like considering I do literally everything else, he can at least take responsibility for washing his own car or paying for someone else to do that.
@bigchris He's not that young he is in his mid 30's. His relationship didn't fail with the ex because he had no time for her but then I suppose he wasn't studying then, had a less stressful job and the kids were shared between them.

strawberrymarshmallow Sat 16-Dec-17 19:40:36

He says he loves spending time with me.... but then actions speak louder than words!

Cantuccit Sat 16-Dec-17 19:40:52

You are his cook and housekeeper!

I can see why you want to leave him.

Cantuccit Sat 16-Dec-17 19:42:46

Could you wash the car etc to help him free up some time?

FGS OP, don't wash his car as well!

travellingfailsman Sat 16-Dec-17 19:43:56

Could you wash the car etc to help him free up some time?

The ideal solution for when being someone's cook and cleaner simply isn't enough hmm

You're getting nothing positive from this relationship. He's showing you very clearly what's important in his life, it would pay you to look carefully now, rather than wistfully in 30 years.

BornInSydneyy Sat 16-Dec-17 19:45:04

Why do you feel like a spare part when out with his children?

You’re a part of his life and should therefore be a part of theirs.

Sorry you feel this way and you’re definitely not being unreasonable.

Blackteadrinker77 Sat 16-Dec-17 19:46:39

You're right I shouldn't have suggested the car wash thing, apologies.

Just trying to see where you can make time for each other.

I think the every 3rd Friday is the best idea. You should be more of a priority then his friends so you should get more of his time.

Suggest it, if he says no you would have to question if he is in this marriage for the long term in his eyes.

BiglyBadgers Sat 16-Dec-17 19:46:50

For whatever reason he is unwilling to find the time to maintain a proper relationship with you. To me the fact that he feels it is more important to make time to see his friends every week than his partner says it all. There is no shame in walking away from someone who doesn't view spending time with you as at least equally important as having a pint with his mates.

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