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Please help re advice Partner......

(62 Posts)
JasmineB89 Sat 16-Dec-17 14:34:52

I hate to write this, but I have no one, and I mean not one person - no family, friends, neighbours. So please try not to be too harsh.
I have mental health issues which have been there since I was 9 years old Upbring horrific and subsequent events made me a nervous wreck by age of 12 years old. I had my only child, his father disappeared out of his life and never saw our my child since - in over 27 years. I alway worked. Mental health ground me down and I had a huge breakdown a few years ago which left me very ill and now agoraphobic. Unable to work and I hate that. I live in a rural area. Very isolated. I have no transport I do not have a life like many others. I wake, spend time with dogs, go to sleep. I cannot watch television or read as meds I am make me unable to concentrate. I love my isolated life mostly as mental health makes me useless around people and noise.
Partner always at work - works nights 6 nights a week. See him for less than 2 hours a day in person.
Met partner before breakdown. Moved in with him whilst I was ill. First few years everything good. Found out from online pics on his laptop, when he let me use his laptop whilst mine was broke, that he had been sleeping with swingers. The pics were very graphic.
Partner admitted he had arranged online to meet a married couple. He said we were going through a rough time. I never noticed it. Maybe we were. I was devastated. Mental health became worse. Had no one to talk to. I could not afford to move out. I approached my then mental health team who told me to 'forget' what partner had done, and to concentrate on getting better. I did that, but will never be able to 'forget'
Cuts to mental health services mean I have no input from them and have not done for a long time.
I cannot afford to get anywhere to live. I have my pets, who I live for. If I took up an eventual offer possibly of a social housing flat, my dogs, would not be allowed. I can get outdoors with my dogs.
Partner used to pay for a lot, *he earns a lot of money) as I could not work, but I received benefit, and I would contribute. I do not eat much, so food shopping was mainly his and the pets.
He has now asked for half of my monthly amount which is £400. I have to now buy my own food and essentials. I will be left with £25 a week if I spend £25 only a week for myself.
I keep thinking - please tell me if you think I am being selfish - that as he earns so much money, am I wrong to think that I should be left with so little money after I have paid my benefit to him and bought food shopping for myself?
I thought relationships were about fairly sharing, We have been together for many years. Separate bank accounts.
I don't feel much for my partner - not since he cheated, but if I leave I will be homeless. SHELTER confirmed this. I have to be homeless and go to council and ask for help and as I have no young children then I could be homeless and accomodation not guaranteed. I appreciate this. Being outdoors alone will kill me with agoraphobia just alone
I do not want harsh criticism but just any ideas on what another person may do. I want and try every single day to improve my life, but where do I truly start.
Has anyone ever been in a situation like this?
Thank you for reading if you have not fell asleep through boredom !

WunWun Sat 16-Dec-17 14:37:44

Where is your son now?

gobbynorthernbird Sat 16-Dec-17 14:43:04

Can I ask if you're actually still in a relationship, or just living in his house? Because, if you aren't 'together' any more then it is a housemate situation and fair that bills etc are split.

curryforbreakfast Sat 16-Dec-17 14:51:50

Yes, that's what I thought. Is the relationship over and you're now just sharing a house?

JasmineB89 Sat 16-Dec-17 15:16:02

Thank you for replying.
My son is now married and lives away.
Partner and I still in a relationship. He has said if relationship ends than I will have to move out of his house. It is his mortgaged property..
A person living with their partner has no rights if it is their partners name on the mortgage only and both not married.

curryforbreakfast Sat 16-Dec-17 15:19:48

But if you are only staying with him because you don't have the resources to move out, maybe he knows that and is unwilling to both provide you with a home and pay for everything else as well?

I feel terribly sorry for you but I'm also thinking that it's got to make for a difficult life for him too. You say you thought relationships were for sharing but do you really share much together if you can't leave the house?

AssassinatedBeauty Sat 16-Dec-17 15:23:23

What is your relationship with your son? Is there any way you could live with him instead of with your partner?

JasmineB89 Sat 16-Dec-17 15:23:51

Believe it or not, I always worked, raised my son alone, and was independent, until I had that huge breakdown. Son went off to Uni and never returned. We have a good relationship, but rarely see him. He has a good career, married, and a very full life.
We talk every other day on the phone, but I cause him anxiety issues, if he knows I am not happy, and he revealed this to me recently. I therefore cannot reveal too much. He does know my situation however.
My mother had mental health issues and it affected me - she was a crazy violent alcoholic. I dont want to affect my son by how I am, and I was doing so unintentionally I found out a while ago.
Thank you for your replies. It is helpful to see things from others points of view.

Booboobooboo84 Sat 16-Dec-17 15:24:02

Maybe look at contacting women’s aid because this seems like financial abuse. Why does your partner suddenly want so much money?

curryforbreakfast Sat 16-Dec-17 15:26:22

Financial abuse? Is it financial abuse to stop paying for everything for someone after having done so for a long time?

AssassinatedBeauty Sat 16-Dec-17 15:29:56

Well it is, if they're your partner and it leaves them in poverty.

JasmineB89 Sat 16-Dec-17 15:30:22

My son would never allow me to live with him and his wife. I could not do that to them. They are both young. Who would want the mother in law living with them?
My partner has a great life. He works mostly but it is in a career that he loves. He goes out, and has weekends away through his work. His life is not affected by my agoraphobia in the slightest. I make sure of that.
I can get out with my dogs or another trusted person. My partner is always working however so we never get to go out together. His social events are mostly very male dominated ones.
He did have a christmas event but he was involved with that, and if I had gone I would have been on my own mostly, and besides I cannot be around large groups of people for too long.

TheSquashyHatOfMrGnosspelius Sat 16-Dec-17 15:37:46

Since you ask what we would do, I would buy a caravan initially and try and find a friend that would let me live in it with my dogs on their land until I got a job and the rest of my life together. Your agoraphobia might preclude this though but as you say you work...
He would come home one day and find me and mine gone. You might find your MH disappear once he is gone from your life.

JasmineB89 Sat 16-Dec-17 15:40:00

I have always contributed towards the financial side of our relationship. i dont have much money but I do pay.
My partner earns a lot and I think Yes why is he asking for more now. I honestly do not take anything much, I do not eat much. I have issues with eating. I do not use much in the house.
One of our dogs became unwell and the vet bills were high. I did not have the full amount to pay, so my partner paid. His car, which I do not drive or even go in, broke down, and so he paid a lot for that.
We adopted a rescue dog, and that was expensive as he was from another country.
I am not asking him to support me and never have but if he takes most of my money and he has plenty already, then is this wrong. If I had lots of money and my partner was unwell and did not have much, then I would put both monies together and just share, provided neither abused the account.
Maybe I am selfish. I appreciate your opinions however.

JasmineB89 Sat 16-Dec-17 15:54:12

A caravan? I honestly do not have any friends to help with that.
I did work, but due to mental health, I honestly cannot. I have quite severe issues. If I ever get better, which I strive to achieve, I hope to get back to work, but I doubt anyone will employ me now with my history,
I try self help, online counselling which is free. Nothing helps.
I was told I needed a lengthy course of Psychoanalysis. I was taken off the list after 2 years of waiting due to funding cuts. Private counselling I obviously cannot afford.
Maybe living with partner is the only option, even if I will be left with zero money. I am scared of being made homeless I think. I know it is my partners house and mortgage. I am always here obviously, so I look after it, clean it, and have added my touches to it, decorating etc.
Deep down I know it isn;t mine though. That makes me insecure.
I often asked to be put on the mortgage but he never wanted that.
I asked for us to go to a solicitor to get a living together arrangement contract - I forget the name of it - to be drawn up. He never arranged to that, and was always too busy to attend.
Maybe he is pushing me out rather than asking me directly?
He cheated on me with swingers...That killed me nearly as I did truly love him back then....so whatever happens now, if I survived that, then I could survive being made homeless. I think.
I used to be independent. Thanks to mental health illness, I am now useless and dependent. This is pointless. Sorry to ask you all for help which I do appreciate honestly, but there is no real answer to this situation is there.

curryforbreakfast Sat 16-Dec-17 15:57:28

I am not asking him to support me and never have but if he takes most of my money and he has plenty already, then is this wrong

Is he taking your money or is he expecting you to contribute your share of costs?
Do you pay rent, half of all bills?

JasmineB89 Sat 16-Dec-17 15:59:16

I cant afford to buy a caravan. haha. Sorry I just noticed that part.
I dont think that is an option, although it is a lovely one to imagine, but it made me laugh, which has cheered me up.

Blackteadrinker77 Sat 16-Dec-17 16:01:06

The money you get each month is for your living expenses. I can't say that I disagree with him that you use it for what it is intended for.
The dogs insurances alone must eat in to that by a fair amount.

There is no answer here that will make you happy.

Working on your mental health has to be your priority. Can you contact the local church? They are great at helping get people out and about.

I wish you luck and good health OP

JasmineB89 Sat 16-Dec-17 16:08:11

£200 a month for bills from me.
Then I purchase my own food - delivered online. He does not eat at home mostly. He is always working so eats at work. He is never at home mostly.
So then if I spend 20 a week on food and medication for me, *I pay for prescription) and 30 on pets that is 200 a month I have 2 dogs and cats
I am left with nothing afterwards as I get 400 a month.
The 400 is for sickness higher rate esa for now. I am ashamed to receive it, but it was based on contributions whilst I worked.

Tissunnyupnorth Sat 16-Dec-17 16:08:13

You call him your partner, but I’m unsure what that means to you you both. Do you love each other, share a life, do things together, plan? It sounds as though you are only with him to keep a roof over your head or because you have nowhere else to go?

Neapolitanicecream Sat 16-Dec-17 16:12:01

Would you both consider couples counselling?

MimpiDreams Sat 16-Dec-17 16:13:37

I don't think you're being selfish. I'm in a similar sort of situation. I'm disabled and received 75% disability benefits and 25% parental leave (not uk). My DH earns a good salary. He pays for everything. I only pay for stuff when he's not around or at the end of a particularly hard month.

JasmineB89 Sat 16-Dec-17 16:16:10

There is a church but they are very strict and old fashioned. I live in a rural area.
My beliefs are not those that they seem to be about
During the worst of my illness I thought about buddhism and wicca a lot. It just happened. I am a nicer person since I became ill, I think.
I do believe in some amount of there being a God. It is all very messed up. I doubt the local Church would want me amongst them.
When I walk my dogs past the Church, the people who I have sometimes noticed leaving or going into it, are all quite elderly and look middle class, Judging the cars outside, I would say very wealthy too. I would never fit in.
I am not lonely. Part of my mental health illnesses, means I can get very anxious around other people, and have to get away - social anxiety.
Agreed. There is no answer.
I will leave this thread as it is then. I do appreciate all of your help however.

MiltonTheCockroach Sat 16-Dec-17 16:19:13

I thought you got free prescriptions if you're on ESA?

Domino20 Sat 16-Dec-17 16:20:39

Why are you so sure that social housing means no dogs? Plenty of council properties allow dogs. I really think you should work on getting yourself back into the medical system for support regarding mental health. Search online and contact every organisation possible. There will be support out there and your medical needs may make you a priority for housing. Good luck x

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