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To forgive boyfriend for sexting randoms

(71 Posts)
Orangepineapple Fri 15-Dec-17 22:26:24

I am so hurt and don't know what to do.

Background:
DP and I both 29
Been together 3 years
Lived together (rented) for 1.5 years

Earlier I saw an app on my boyfriends phone I didn't recognise out of the corner of my eye when we were both on the sofa. He instantly deleted it and started acting weird and shifty and I knew something was up. For 20 mins he was claiming it was something to do with work before finally admitting - he had used it to sext randoms.

Apparently this is 3 diff people all in US all he has never met in real life. It's been going on 1-2 times a week for about 2 months.

I honestly just don't know what to do. For me this has come out of nowhere. I feel SICK. Tbh I was basically expecting an imminent proposal and didn't see anything wrong in our relationship at all.

He is destroyed and has been crying etc (I've never seen him cry before). He says he loves me more than anything I'm his best friend etc and he was just horny and stupid.

It is true we haven't had much sex over the past six months or so. I have had bad endometriosis and actually had an op for this about 6 weeks ago now and hoping it would have improved. I guess I could have done more for our sex life in that time.

I don't want to split up, I was so happy and love him so much and I just feel like I have been hit by a train. He swears he feels awful and will never do it again. I want to work it out I just don't know how and how I can come to terms with this. Help.

Littlejayx Fri 15-Dec-17 22:28:53

I would be abit sceptical that's all he was up to tbh.

Calvinlookingforhobbs Fri 15-Dec-17 22:29:55

I was in your situation and I forgave and married. I am now going through a hellish divorce and dragging kids through it too. Walk, no RUN away. This is not a man who respect you or the boundaries of your relationship. Think long and hard about this. Don’t make it the crossroads you look back and kick yourself over.

SureJan Fri 15-Dec-17 22:32:17

I don't think I could forgive this, & I wouldn't be able to trust him anymore. I'd be constantly on edge, worrying that he was still doing it behind my back & I couldn't live like that.
The fact that you've been ill makes it an even worse betrayal in my opinion. He's gone behind your back whilst you were at your most vulnerable.
Hope you're ok flowers

GirlDownUnder Fri 15-Dec-17 22:34:39

You don’t want to spilt up, so does that mean you want tp learn to swallow it whole?

I get that you’re shocked, don’t believe it’s the real him, because he’s not that person.
But he is.
And he was never going to stop.

Has he told when / why it started? Do you believe that too?

And the big one - how did he give himself permission?? This is not someone he met and one thing lead to another blah blah.
He went looking.

Sorry it hurts so much.

Bambamber Fri 15-Dec-17 22:40:02

He feels awful because he was caught. He didn't feel awful enough to stop after the first time he did it. Took me a good few months after my surgery for endometriosis to get the confidence for any kind of sex life, be kind to yourself.

Perhaps don't make a decision right away and sleep on it. I personally believe a relationship doesn't work without trust and I couldn't trust someone who did that. But there are others that could

OhOurBilly Fri 15-Dec-17 22:42:26

He's crying because he got caught. Can you live forever with him not being suspicious or worried that he's sexting/cheating etc? I stayed with a cheater, it tore me apart until I walked away.

I'm sorry you are so hurt, hope you're ok flowers

WhooooAmI24601 Fri 15-Dec-17 22:44:46

He is destroyed and has been crying etc

Was he destroyed before you found out or after?

He's crying and destroyed because he's been caught, not because he's hurt you, not because your relationship is in jeopardy, not even because he gives a shit about you. He's destroyed because he chose to send explicit texts to other women and he's panicking now you've seen who he truly is, which means he's a great big tear-faking arsehole.

Forgive all you like; this is your relationship. But these texts are a signal that he's not giving everything to your relationship. The only way a successful relationship works is if both parties are loyal, honest and kind. He's none of those things, so good luck if you do attempt to forgive him.

Thesmallthings Fri 15-Dec-17 22:45:49

I'm sorry your in so much pain. What a shock flowers

I'm not going to say ltb or that he'll do it again. He may he may not.

People fuck up. Good people fuck up. It's how he deals with this is what you have to watch imo. You need to talk about why he did it and how if those feelimgs come up again how he'll deal with it.

If he saying it's because he was horny and you two havnt been having sex then he needs to realise doing What he did was not the answer, that he should have brung it to your attention

I am NOT saying you should have been having more sex at all or that any of it was your fault at all. It wasn't. But it was something he was finding hard and should have said something rarther then doing What he did.

I realise alot of people don't think my way and I'm prob more logical then emotional.

I don't Think you should do anything for a few days at least. Get over the shock and then decided. Be kind on yourself xx

Awwlookatmybabyspider Fri 15-Dec-17 22:47:55

There's no reason or unreasonable here. It's too much of a personal subject.
However ask yourself is it the fact that you can actually forgive him or is it the fact that you're afraid of being alone, because. There is a big difference.

buckeejit Fri 15-Dec-17 22:50:50

I'd want to look at exactly what he's sent-presumably you can do that if you reinstall the app? Then go to counselling & be open about how it will pan out

WhooooAmI24601 Fri 15-Dec-17 22:52:21

It's how he deals with this is what you have to watch imo

I disagree here, and not because I'm being emotional. I simply think the OP needs to think about herself here and the impact this has on her. Her focus should be entirely on herself and what she's willing to tolerate and where her cut-off point is. None of this is about him. He gave up his right to come first when he began texting other women.

You need to talk about why he did it and how if those feelimgs come up again how he'll deal with it

Again, I disagree. OP doesn't have to talk about it and how he might deal with it again. Great if she wants to but what if she doesn't want to? She doesn't owe him anything and certainly doesn't have to listen to him bleat about how he'll do better next time. The emphasis should be entirely on OP and how she's going to process this.

Thesmallthings Fri 15-Dec-17 22:58:37

whoooo your completely right.. if she doesn't want to forgive .. and no one could blame her at all... then off course she owes him nothing.

I was just going of the fact that she said she did want to work through it.

WhooooAmI24601 Fri 15-Dec-17 23:04:39

Allthesmallthinngs Ah ok, I misinterpreted that part and assumed you meant she owed it to him to do those things, my bad.

OP, I hope you get some rest and wake up in the morning with a fresh perspective on this. Only you know where your threshold is, and if you do forgive him you don't have to do it immediately, take some time to think it over when you're through the first bit of shock. flowers

Rainbowqueeen Fri 15-Dec-17 23:05:52

Take your time. This is a lot to process

I would ask to see his phone and tablet, if he has one. Go through the history.

Ask him to move out for a few days. You need some space.

Get some RL support.

Think about what you want, your values, your boundaries.

Think really really hard. Speak to a counsellor if you feel that would help.

If you don't know about sunk costs fallacy google that, so you don't take sunk costs unto making your decision.

I'm sorry this has happened to you

LipstickHandbagCoffee Fri 15-Dec-17 23:05:55

You’ve had health difficulties and are 6wk postoperative surgery,um no wonder you dont feel up for sex
No one expects him to have no sex drive,but to sext other ladies regularly that’s vile
Stop making excuses for his carry on.he should be mindful of you

RhiWrites Fri 15-Dec-17 23:07:58

No, he is not “destroyed”. He’s pretending to be upset so you’ll forgive him. Pathetic.

Notamorningperson84 Fri 15-Dec-17 23:08:43

You only live together. Get out while it's easier.

He's an arsehole. An arsehole who's crying because he got caught.

You can and will do better.

BunsOfAnarchy Fri 15-Dec-17 23:16:41

Ah no I'm so sorry op. This must be so heartbreaking for you flowers

* I guess I could have done more for our sex life in that time*

Don't blame yourself. He was sexting others whilst you were recovering from a painful debilitating condition. Sex should be on the back burner and emotional support from your partner during this time should be at the forefront.

You're not being unreasonable in forgiving him because you say aside from this it has been a thoroughly wonderful and happy relationship with no issues. So why would you run for the hills after this one (albeit huge) hiccup?

I would recommend that you try to take a step back and look at this objectively. Whilst you were undergoing your op and subsequent recovery, he decided to look elsewhere for attention. But you're not to blame for this. Just remember that.

Try some couples counselling. Because a really good relationship is worth saving and worth fighting for. I wouldn't just jump back into pretending everything is normal again until you work through this. It'll be the best way for him to understand his own actions and for him to actually try to help salvage this relationship constructively rather than papering over the cracks he has just made

BunsOfAnarchy Fri 15-Dec-17 23:18:23

Just to add. I wouldn't take him back until he has agreed and you have started some sort of counselling.

If he doesn't agree or he doesn't go....I think you know what to do.

LipstickHandbagCoffee Fri 15-Dec-17 23:19:21

Are you having a laugh?counselling for what?being a poon hound

TrojansAreSmegheads Fri 15-Dec-17 23:23:26

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mxyzptlk Fri 15-Dec-17 23:28:46

He is destroyed and has been crying etc (I've never seen him cry before). He says he loves me more than anything I'm his best friend etc and he was just horny and stupid.

Sounds like he's making it all about him.
Has he apologised and shown any recognition of how disrespectful and hurtful this has been to you?

Leonard1 Fri 15-Dec-17 23:29:02

You need time to process this.

Mxyzptlk Fri 15-Dec-17 23:31:39

I guess I could have done more for our sex life in that time.

You were ill and in pain. It was not your fault.

A decent man would talk to you if he had a problem, or just go and have a wank.

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