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AIBU?

Christmas cards and women changing their name upon marriage!

950 replies

mulledoverwine · 15/12/2017 22:17

I am recently married and did not change my name.

I have been writing out my Christmas cards tonight and have realised that only 1 other woman I am posting to hasn't changed their name and another double barrelled theirs (he didn't).

Everyone else is Mr & Mrs {His Initial} Patriarchy.

I am quite enraged by it all! I have become more feminist as I have got older as I have started to question the norm more. Especially since reading the feminist boards on here.

I just want to shake every woman who changes their name!!

I am going to get slaughtered here aren't I??

OP posts:

Report

PickettBowtruckles · 15/12/2017 22:19

I'm recently married and changed my name. I was sad about loosing my maiden name, but our names wouldn't double barrel (both fairly long, unusual name, looks ridiculous.) We hope to have children so I wanted us all to have the same family name hence taking his. I did keep my maiden name professionally though so still have a link to it that way. Can't say it particularly bothers me what other women do though.

MoistCantaloupe · 15/12/2017 22:19

I’m changing my name as I hate my surname that’s related to my abusive father. To be honest, marriage in itself is quite the dated tradition.

mulledoverwine · 15/12/2017 22:20

And I'm super annoyed that someone sent one to us as Mr & Mrs {His initial} HisSurame! I wrote in their card that my name is Ms Mulledover Wine. They will prob be like WTF?! But I don't care!

OP posts:

MaryWortleyMontagu · 15/12/2017 22:21

Why should I not have the choice to change my name?

MoistCantaloupe · 15/12/2017 22:21

And yes, I agree with Pickett. What other women choose name wise doesn’t bother me.

Fiestylittleowl · 15/12/2017 22:21

I couldn’t wait to change my name as I hated my maiden name.

SoupDragon · 15/12/2017 22:23

I just want to shake every woman who changes their name!!

Aren't you just lovely?

mulledoverwine · 15/12/2017 22:23

Marriage isn't outdated unfortunately. It's the only way to have financial security in a relationship where one party is more financially unsecure than the other.

OP posts:

jpclarke · 15/12/2017 22:24

We wanted children when we got married and I wanted us all to have the same name, also my maiden name was unusual and I wanted to escape from the connection that my name had to my family as they have all treated me so badly. I hate if I am referred to as my maiden name now.

catx1606 · 15/12/2017 22:24

Why does it bother you so much? I chaged my name as I wouldn't have even considered keeping my maiden name. I also want the same name as my children.

LoniceraJaponica · 15/12/2017 22:24

You're enraged that many women actively choose to change their surnames? Really?

Why don't you try not to assume that we don't have a choice?

Get over yourself, and get a grip.

AFlibbertigibbet · 15/12/2017 22:27

I tried to keep my maiden name, but was thwarted by well meaning people who assumed I was now Mrs Husbands Surname, so I kept my maiden name professionally but changed for everything else. When DS was born we gave him the first name version of my surname (think Edward / Edwards) - caused a lot of amusement at work who thought he was called Edward Edwards!

I miss my maiden name.

stickygotstuck · 15/12/2017 22:28

I should think what bothers the OP is that she has chosen not to change her name. Now peole are sending her cards to Mrs HisSurname. She doesn't like that (neither do I).

What's more, she has got cards to Mrs HisName HisSurname. She hates that (so do I, I find it disrespectful in the extreme).

HTH

LookingForwardToChristmas · 15/12/2017 22:28

My maiden name is unusual and fairly awful. I still kept it though as it is mine. Our children have both names.

I’m definitely in the minority amongst my friends but they are happy with what they have done, in the same way I am, so it all works well for everyone.

MoistCantaloupe · 15/12/2017 22:28

Yes I understand the financial aspect but that doesn’t mean you can’t argue that the tradition of marriage is a dated one. Especially the ‘giving away’. But as it happens OP, myself and DP are toying with the idea of a completely new surname! Just making one up that we’ll change to when we get married next year. I love the idea.

BackforGood · 15/12/2017 22:29

Why does it bother you so much, that other women make a different choice from yourself ?

mulledoverwine · 15/12/2017 22:30

But WHY are the women changing their names?? Why not the men?

And also why do you have to have the same name as your children? And if you absolutely must then why can't your husband change his name?

I completely understand if your name has bad connotations. But then why did you wait until you were married to change it? And when do you ever hear of men changing their surnames due to bad connotations?

OP posts:

LoniceraJaponica · 15/12/2017 22:30

You don't have to be "given away" at a wedding these days.

MoistCantaloupe · 15/12/2017 22:30

Sticky - op also said she wants to shake other women who haven’t changed name. So it’s not just about the cards. Thanks for the help though...

sausagerollsrock · 15/12/2017 22:31

This again
You didn't change your name because you didn't want to.
I changed my name because I wanted to.
Is it really that hard to understand that we all have different choices in life? Very luckily we have the freedom to make those choices.

BunsOfAnarchy · 15/12/2017 22:31

You can try shaking me love but you won't get very far. Changing your surname at marriage isn't buying into patriarchy like you think. Men change theirs too you know and it's not uncommon!
I simply want my children to have the same name as both myself and my husband. So I changed it. Simple.
But shifted my maiden over to middle name instead. So ive never had to let go of my own name. Best of both worlds. Also I've experienced a family member being stopped and torn away from her baby girl at an airport because their surnames didn't match. Not nice.
Never ever had a card that has put 'Mr and Mrs (dh initial) surname on it. It's always just Mr and Mrs surname or both our names and surname.
I don't read into shit like that too much. I feel like it's a little insignificant in comparison to bigger gender/sex issues.
Go shake the women who don't question equal pay vs men in their jobs. That's a more worthy cause.

Trb17 · 15/12/2017 22:31

Women have the choice to change their name or not.

Surely a woman being free to choose what they want is the ideal.

You seem to want all women to not have that choice and to do as you think. Not very feminist it seems.

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FrostyThirties0 · 15/12/2017 22:31

Didn’t we do this yesterday?

Swirlingasong · 15/12/2017 22:32

I've had two surnames during my life. Both are patriarchal, but one of the names I chose. Why do you have a problem with my choice?

MoistCantaloupe · 15/12/2017 22:32

Lon - completely, no way I will be given away! Just a statement in general that, as OP finds name changing frustrating, there are a lot of other aspects that are dated as well.

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