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I’m going to have to educate excited baby talks on my dead baby’s due date. WWYD

(92 Posts)
JustVent Fri 15-Dec-17 09:07:19

I’ve got a fucking horrible knot of anxiety.

My nephew and his wife announced their pregnancy last night. So when we see them at Christmas there will be excited baby talks (their first baby) on what will be my dead baby’s due date.
I had my 12 scan it was just as beautiful as the one they have posted but unfortunately my baby’s heart stopped a few weeks later when I was 15 weeks.
Due date was Christmas and now I’m dreading it even more than ever.
My children 6 and 11 also knew about the baby and were also painfully gutted to hear the baby had died.

Now I need to know how to proceed.
Part of me wants DH to speak to MIL and maybe ask nephew to keep the baby talks on the DL while we are there (one afternoon) but that makes me feel like a pathetic peice if shit. On the other hand I also don’t want my kids Christmas to be tainted with sadness as well.

I could scarper the in laws. But I would have to spend some time with them as it would be rude and obvious but we would still have the baby talk.

I think I could suck it up and just feel sick and sad but what about the kids?

And on the other hand why shouldn’t they get excited and talk about their first baby?

Argh I don’t know what to do.

JustVent Fri 15-Dec-17 09:07:48

*endure not educate. I hate it when my stupid phone changes perfectly adequate words.

LisaSimpsonsbff Fri 15-Dec-17 09:11:13

I am so, so sorry. I think it would be absolutely fine for DH to give MIL a head's up that this will be very hard for you - no one's saying that they have to pretend she isn't pregnant but one afternoon of making sure it isn't a major focus of conversation isn't a lot to ask. You may find that they do this anyway, as presumably they know about your loss, but I think a quiet word just in case is more than justified.

corythatwas Fri 15-Dec-17 09:13:09

I think it's perfectly reasonable to ask your MIL to have a gentle talk. If you don't feel comfortable asking for yourself, then ask for your children. As their grandmother, I am sure she would want them to be spared pain over Christmas.

flowers

It must be a very difficult time for you.

astoundedgoat Fri 15-Dec-17 09:14:38

I'm very sorry for the loss of your pregnancy.

I think that it's okay for your DH to remind his parents that your due date would have been around now, and that it's affecting you quite badly. You don't have to be stiff upper lip about everything in life, and you can't expect your nephew and his wife to stay silent about their news around you, but your IL's might be able to manage the conversation a bit better if they know that you are upset so that the whole day isn't BABY BABY BABY!!! and you end up sobbing in the car.

Your children won't be taking this to heart as much as you are unless you are bringing it up with them a lot and reminding them that they would have had a baby coming around now. They won't think about it the way you do. They don't need to, and I would not bring it up again around them at all. It shouldn't be their grief.

Your feelings are valid though, and it's reasonable for your DH to have a word with his parents.

BertieBotts Fri 15-Dec-17 09:17:58

For one afternoon you are not being unreasonable to ask them to keep the topic a lower priority. Especially if they are going to be staying longer and able to gush arena enthuse with other family members before or after.

Moanyoldcow Fri 15-Dec-17 09:18:29

So sorry for your loss. I've not experienced anything like that myself but I'm pregnant now and know how tough I'd find it if I was in a similar position.

I suspect that your family will be sensitive to your situation and will take their cue from you to some degree but it will of course be hard for them not to show their excitement.

I'd probably try to ensure it but make some time to have some alone time if needed.

I'd probably explain to the children that whilst they're sad about your baby, it's ok to be excited about you DN's baby.

I don't want to sound trite but these things do make you more resilient.

I lost my mother in my teens just before Christmas and it was a very tough time of year. I still get upset at times when you'd expect maternal support (new babies, moving house, illness etc) but it gets easier with time. Much love.

GreenPurpleRed Fri 15-Dec-17 09:20:45

I've had 2 mc, one late, ĺbut I have to say you need to deal with this. They are rightly excited by their first dc, give MIL the heads up you'd rather not spend all day with baby talk but sometimes you do need to smile through the shitness of life.

My two closest friends had their baby's in the exact months I was due both times so I do get it.

JustVent Fri 15-Dec-17 09:23:39

Greenpurplered as I said in my OP, I’m prepared to suck it up. But should my children? On Christmas Day? My eldest was especially exited about the baby and especially broken when it died.

Also for pp’s I forgot to add, they didn’t know about the baby. We were about to announce it the day I found out the baby’s heart had stopped.

LisaSimpsonsbff Fri 15-Dec-17 09:31:25

Also for pp’s I forgot to add, they didn’t know about the baby. We were about to announce it the day I found out the baby’s heart had stopped.

This does complicate things as you can't be at all close if you didn't tell them even though it's something that their grandchildren knew and were upset about - they must not talk to them? I actually think if the relationship is that distant then not going might be as good an option.

C8H10N4O2 Fri 15-Dec-17 09:35:17

Be prepared that the 11 yr old, in the discussions about the new baby may also be thinking about the missing sibling, especially if they had been looking forward to a new baby. At this age it varies wildly but don't be surprised if they join the dots.

If DH can ask for MiL help to avoid it dominating conversation too much then it might help them as much as you.

JustVent Fri 15-Dec-17 09:36:31

We are close to them.

But the baby wasn’t planned and it took a while for us to get our heads round it. DH in particular. My parents knew and my brothers and I was excited but DH wasn’t happy about it so I didn’t push him to tell his side of the family.

user1495451339 Fri 15-Dec-17 09:41:22

So sorry for your loss.

It depends I suppose it is a really hard situation and people having babies always brings out insensitive comments from others, like people asking if you are planning for more etc. I would tell everyone in advance, not so they can't mention the baby at all, but so you avoid any of these comments.

Maybe have a chat with your children about your nephew's baby in a positive way so they are prepared.

PricillaQueenOfTheDesert Fri 15-Dec-17 09:42:41

Oh Just this is so sad and I’m so sorry to hear of your loss.

I understand it will be hard for you to listen to your nephew and his wife, but you can’t expect all talk of babies and all births and new babies to be sheltered from you for ever or even the next few months. That said I’m sure the rest of your family will be sensitive to you and DH recent loss.

As well as your family being sensitive to you (which I’m sure they will be) it’s Christmas time and everyone will be enjoying a family gathering and copious amounts of food and drink as well as laughing together. (I hope)

There will always be reminders of your baby and only time will make these easier to bear, hopefully you will have a Christmas not too far in the future where your new baby and your nephews baby will be toddling around together, try to hang on to a positive thought.

Wishing you a much happier new year and maybe by next Christmas this one will just be a distant memory. flowers

Wheelywheel Fri 15-Dec-17 09:45:49

They have lots of time to have excited baby talks, I would hope they would put your feelings first for the afternoon and keep it subtle.

I don't think you would BU to ask this of them this year. I know I would understand if I was in their shoes.

I'm very sorry to hear about your baby flowers

JustVent Fri 15-Dec-17 09:47:14

Thanks.

I wasn’t expecting anyone at all the ‘shelter me from baby talk for the next few months’

That’s extreme and I never gave that impression in my OP.

I was talking about one day. My dead baby’s due date. And I also said I think I can suck it up but what about my children?

The point has been missed greatly but I appreciate your sympathy.

JustVent Fri 15-Dec-17 09:47:54

Thanks Wheelywheels.

Furiosa Fri 15-Dec-17 09:50:30

Is your DH supporting you at the moment? If he didn't tell his family about the baby and didn't tell them when they died is he acknowledging this difficult time of year with you?

If I were you I wouldn't go to this gathering. Your grieving and need time to do so. Take care of yourself OP.

RedHelenB Fri 15-Dec-17 09:54:36

Your children will be sad for the baby they thought would join their family but have a baby cousin tof look forward to. It is their first baby so personally would not mention it. I had a miscarriage at a similar time and I do sympathise but having already had 2 children I couldn't spoil someone else's pleasure in their first baby.

alittlehelp Fri 15-Dec-17 09:54:53

I don't think you would be at all unreasonable to let them know and ask them to focus on other topics for that afternoon. I'm so sorry this happened to you.

MagicFajita Fri 15-Dec-17 09:55:03

Firstly op , vent away. You have the right.

Secondly , you're not alone. We lost our baby daughter at 21 weeks of pregnancy last year. I returned to work around the time I was due to start mat leave and had to see the other staff members disappearing on their leave and others announcing new pregnancies.

It sucked and I sometimes went home and cried with my dp.

There's three things you can do here op - put on a (fake) happy face , speak to relatives about your loss or avoid the day.

None of these are easy but no one would blame you if you made the decision to stay away.

I'm sorry for your loss op flowers

alittlehelp Fri 15-Dec-17 09:57:05

It's one afternoon! It's not going to spoil their pleasure at their new baby at all, they have the rest of Christmas to discuss it.

WeAllHaveWings Fri 15-Dec-17 09:57:29

I am so sorry for your loss, how everyone copes is different.

Personally given your circumstances, I wouldn't piss on their chips, over Christmas when they have just announced their first pregnancy. If I was close to the couple and they knew about my loss Id be more inclined to expect then to be sensitive, but I wouldn't tell them now.

I'd fake it till I make it, try to show I was happy and positive about their news now and when seeing them at Christmas and dc will follow suit.

Columbine1 Fri 15-Dec-17 10:01:41

Such a significant date will mean you always remember which is hard.
Since the family didn't know, its quite difficult to ask MIL to monitor the conversation and unfortunate if nephew & wife are made to feel bad for being happy with their news.

If you think your DC will be affected, perhaps best to talk with them several days in advance of the family gathering.

My father died after a very long stressful stay in ICU when I was pregnant. Many years later I was horrified that my DCs graduation was the exact same day. After some thought I realised it was good to have a happy memory associated with that date.

OuchLegoHurts Fri 15-Dec-17 10:01:46

I've just had a miscarriage, and I know everyone reacts differently, but I really think that you need to come to terms with the fact that you will see and meet pregnant people who will be happy and excited. I know it's hard but it really is life, and I think that your children will also need to get used to these knocks. Miscarriages are so sad but they are part of life. I feel so lucky to have the children I already have...so many women can't have children. I feel that your children will have a happy Christmas if you make it happy for them and try not to focus too much on your sadness.

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