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AIBU?

Boyfriend still married

56 replies

formidablescent · 15/12/2017 08:32

Just checking name change

OP posts:

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DonkeyOaty · 15/12/2017 08:35

Have you posted about this before?

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formidablescent · 15/12/2017 08:35

I have been seeing someone for around a year now. His marriage ended around 3 years ago but he is still married. He says it is due to financial reasons but I don't know if I am being unreasonable by thinking that he should have at least a vague plan of divorcing? Has anyone got any experience of a cheap divorce?

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formidablescent · 15/12/2017 08:36

No, haven't posted about this before

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formidablescent · 15/12/2017 08:37

I know they are definitely not together, there is nothing dodgy in that respect but it just feels wrong to me

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ItStartedWithAKiss241 · 15/12/2017 08:39

I’ve been married for almost 10 years. We didn’t even manage to stay together for one year. Basically as security for the children mixed with laziness getting it done and better things to spend our money on that something that doesn’t matter as we know it’s not real x

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formidablescent · 15/12/2017 08:41

Thanks, I suppose it is just strange to me that someone wouldn't want to draw a line under that part of their life

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formidablescent · 15/12/2017 08:42

I think marriage feels like such a definitive thing for me, being married or divorced is very important

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yrhengi · 15/12/2017 08:44

You've just reminded me of that poster who used to pop up every six months or so under different names, trying to find the one MNer who would agree with her that it was totally normal for her boyfriend of several years (and father of a fluctating number of children?) to be still married to his ex, despite her giving him the money for the solicitor, marching him to the solicitor, pleading with him to file forms, etc.

I wonder what happened to her?

To answer your question, OP, it's impossible to say without knowing your DP. Some people never get round to filing for divorce for financial or legal or can't-be-arsed reasons, some people use it as a convenient reason to avoid committing to a new partner. Some people haven't actually left the previous partner.

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MyRelationshipIsWeird · 15/12/2017 08:45

I was with my DP for about 2 or 3 years before finally getting round to divorcing XH. It just seemed like a massive headache and expense that wasn’t really necessary as we’d sorted finances etc already. The official paper wasn’t some huge party-worthy moment for me, wasn’t even a bit sad, just a letter saying it’s all done.

DP originally said he didn’t mind, but I think he was quietly pleased when it all went through. I didn’t change my name back though, so it’s the same as my DCs’ surname. If DP is fussed about that one he’ll have to marry me

Don’t read any significance into it, it doesn’t mean he still wants to be married or hasn’t moved on etc, it’s most likely laziness and cheapness.

I used Wikivorce - it was about £400 + fees. Just money I didn’t want o have to shell out to gain precisely nothing in return!

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PoorYorick · 15/12/2017 08:46

better things to spend our money on that something that doesn’t matter as we know it’s not real x

Er...it's very very real. It's a legal contract to which you are still committed. If one of you falls ill or dies, the other is still the legal next of kin and heir to your estate. Even if you make a will leaving your estate to a new partner, your marriage voids it.

This may not be an issue for you for whatever reason, but don't kid yourself that marriage is something that ceases to exist once you no longer believe in it. It's a legal contract and you're still in it.

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Tinselistacky · 15/12/2017 08:47

Maybe it's time to tell him you aren't living 2018 seeing a married man.

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AnonEvent · 15/12/2017 08:51

An ex of mine (very nice guy), got married youngish (19), separated at 25, met me at 30 and we dated for 9 months.

During our time dating he filed for a divorce. Until then it just hasn't cropped-up. They had no children and no shared assets, they hadn't seen each other for five years.

Now he's happily married to someone else.

For me, it just wasn't a big deal, there was no emotional tie between him and his ex wife, no practical ties, he just hadn't done the admin yet.

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CosmicCanary · 15/12/2017 08:51

Seperated for 3 years now and not divorced.
The ex and I say every year "we should really get divorced this year" but with 4dc there is always something else we need to spend money on.

I have a DP who doesnt seem bothered. He does not want to get married and we have been together 2 years.
I suppose if he wasnt happy then I may put more effort in.

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HoofWankingSpangleCunt · 15/12/2017 08:53

Op, I was late to the divorce party. Even though my marriage ended in 2004 it was 2008 when I got my decree.
There were various reasons for the delay, all rather minor but it was important for my late DP for me to be divorced before I gave birth to our DS. I nearly managed it, getting the divorce a couple of months later.
We had no assets to speak of plus we were relatively amicable over the arrangements for our DD. I didn't have a lot of money so I did it myself with the help of an excellent company online who produced paperwork for me to file at the court for a reasonable sum. Think less than a hundred quid.
Anyway, dont know if any of this is helpful to you.
Although my marriage was well and truly over I just couldn't see the importance of getting a divorce sooner than I did. In my mind I was already divorced if you see what I mean. Can you tell I'm a procrastinator?

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ItStartedWithAKiss241 · 15/12/2017 08:53

pooryurick Sorry the legal aspects you mention are what I meant by security for the children. If anything happend to me I would want him to have everything I own to help raise the children. Naturally if I had a new dh then this wouldn’t stand.

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Donnerkebabbler · 15/12/2017 08:59

I’ve been divorced for 5 years but not yet done the financial order which is the expensive bit. So he could get divorced for a few hundred quid and leave the financial till later

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Blackteadrinker77 · 15/12/2017 09:00

formidablescent- You have only been together for a year. I'm not sure that his marriage is any of your business.

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LisaMed1 · 15/12/2017 09:02

Has he got things like a will sorted out? If he dies, who buries him? What about pensions and life insurance? Are kids involved?

Does his ex want him back?

Don't buy joint property or have joint finances with this guy while he is still married as his ex could have a claim should she then start divorce proceedings.

There are a lot of legals around divorce and marriage which are far trickier than any left over emotions.

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expatinscotland · 15/12/2017 09:07

You have to decide if this is a dealbreaker for you or not.

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KERALA1 · 15/12/2017 09:07

No problem at all as long as he stays a boyfriend, you don't live together, don't share any finances or and you don't rely on him in anyway. If you do any of these it could potentially be a BIG problem should anything happen.

Tread very carefully legally. For example if he died without a will all his estate goes to her. Even if he does make a will leaving all to you she can make a claim as a wife. I would find it extremely off putting to be honest.

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BitOutOfPractice · 15/12/2017 09:12

It took us almost 10 years of separation to get divorced . We just never hated each other enough (or at all in fact) to make it a priority. It's not necessarily a sign of anything dodgy. It certainly wasn't in our case. ExH had been happily living with his lovely GF for 6 years before he divorced!

The PPs are right though. If you plan to share finances / buy a house / have kids then it's VITAL he gets divorced

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MyAuntyBadger · 15/12/2017 09:13

My dh's marriage ended in 2002 (two teenage dds at the time), when we met in 2013 he was still married. He'd had a 10 year relationship between his marriage and meeting me and I asked why he hadn't divorced - it was to keep his assets safe (with wife and daughters, out of reach of his long term partner). He increased his wealth during the 10 yr relationship, so when he divorced in 2014 his ex wife benefited, not his partner. His commitment was definitely to his wife and dds, even while living with his partner, for the whole ten years.

Maybe your partner just hasn't got round to it yet, but I wouldn't live with someone if his ex was his 'significant other/next of kin' officially.

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BitOutOfPractice · 15/12/2017 09:13

And yes, we did a cheap divorce. Have a google for collaborative divorce lawyers in your area if you're amicable

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LipstickHandbagCoffee · 15/12/2017 09:23

He’s yanking your chain,it’s not overly expensive to divorce.
For whatever reason he’s not prioritised getting divorced

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Snowfire · 15/12/2017 10:21

My DP is still married, they were separated when we met and had decided to wait 2 years as they didn't want the stress of apportioning blame and were trying to keep things amicable for the DC.
We moved in together a few months ago and I suggested to him that as the 2 years are up, perhaps he should look into starting divorce proceedings. He said, he doesn't consider himself married as he loves me, it's only a piece of paper, he hasn't got the spare cash at the moment etc...
I let it rest for a while and tried telling myself it didn't matter but it does! She is his lawful next of kin, if anything happened to him, she would be the one making decisions as she is still his wife. I told him straight that I'm not happy with the situation and I want him to divorce. He took my point and spoke to her about it. They will be sorting out the paperwork in the new year.
If this is making you feel unhappy or insecure, just tell him.