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Friend *warning - miscarriage*

(35 Posts)
Beachtime Fri 15-Dec-17 01:44:39

More of a - is this appropriate or best just to not do anything?

Friend of mine recently had a miscarriage. She'd mentioned when the due date was a few times so I know when it would have been.

I was thinking about sending her some flowers around that time - I don't know anyone whose suffered a miscarriage before so I wanted to ask is this appropriate?

Or do you think maybe I might just be bringing more attention and upset her?

Obvisouly the last thing I'd want to do is upset her more than she already will be around that date.

Thanks in advance for your help!

Lollipop30 Fri 15-Dec-17 01:53:47

I know you mean well but for me that would have upset me more. Maybe just take her out for lunch that day or do something to keep her mind occupied?

Beachtime Fri 15-Dec-17 02:11:36

Unfortunately it's a work day and we live 100's of miles away from each other.

Thanks for your advise - I don't want to upset her more so will just leave it smile

gingerbubs Fri 15-Dec-17 02:20:42

It's a lovely thought but I agree there's a possibility flowers may not be helpful. Perhaps just an understated card saying thinking of you? Shows you remember and that it's important but easier for her to put in a drawer (or bin!) without feeling bad if a visual reminder is too hard.

sleepycat13 Fri 15-Dec-17 03:26:34

from personal experience I found the due date hard as it felt like the world had forgotten already except for me. one of the most touching things was s colleague that simply asked how I was and made it clear they hadn't forgotten. flowers are not necessary and for some may be unwanted but a card or simply gesture of some sort will probably mean the world

sleepycat13 Fri 15-Dec-17 03:26:53

ps you sound like s lovely friend

sizeofalentil Fri 15-Dec-17 05:40:56

I would have appreciated flowers - not to work though. But equally, would gave appreciated a text or other message.

You are very kind.

Kitsharrington Fri 15-Dec-17 06:33:37

I think a phone call for a chat would be better. Then if she wants to talk about it she can, and if not you can take her mind off it for a few minutes.

Crunchymum Fri 15-Dec-17 06:38:54

Depends on how far away the due date Is?

If it's several months away she may want reminding / could be pregnant again.

HeteronormativeHaybales Fri 15-Dec-17 07:03:49

If she has mentioned the due date, she would like people to remember. I'm not sure about flowers, but perhaps a lovely plant or just a card will mean a lot, I think.

I've had six miscarriages. I remember when they all happened and (roughly) what the due dates would have been. No. 5 would have been a Christmas baby, which is quite poignant at this time of year. I am lucky enough to have three children too, and life lessens the what-ifs, but now and again there is a memory and a little twinge. It's always most acute first time these anniversaries come.

Reppin Fri 15-Dec-17 07:07:55

I was heavily pregnant by the time the due date came around. I would not have been upset and would have been pleased someone remembered.

SunshineTheMonkey Fri 15-Dec-17 07:09:51

Flowers have the potential to cause upset.

Lovely that you're so thoughtful but I would say no.

BertieBotts Fri 15-Dec-17 07:13:20

A card would be fine.

GrapesAreMyJam Fri 15-Dec-17 07:14:02

I had a miscarriage last year. The day before the due date, DP and I were out for lunch with our close friends and before we went home I was given a huge bunch of beautiful flowers. Cue the tears and I had five people giving me a group hug in the car park while I was sobbing.

The flowers really were lovely and it meant the world that people had remembered the date.

Obviously each person is different, but for me it meant a lot and whether it was a card or flowers or neither made no difference. It was people remembering that mattered

theimportanceofbeinghappy Fri 15-Dec-17 07:15:34

I am pregnant again after being due a baby in Feb 2018. I'm in two minds about this

RichmondAvenue Fri 15-Dec-17 07:17:06

You sound very thoughtful. Much more so than any of my friends or family.

Flowers would not have bothered me but I can see how they might. Perhaps send a card. I sent a friend a card and a bracelet with the word 'Hope' on it. But I know her very well so knew it'd be appreciated.

OuaisMaisBon Fri 15-Dec-17 07:19:27

You are lovely to think of your friend like this. I think if someone had sent me flowers on the due date of my lost first baby, I would have cried but been very touched. If you are worried about flowers being OTT, a card is definitely the way to go.

Laiste Fri 15-Dec-17 07:37:39

Family and friends sent me flowers when i miscarried. Normally i love fresh flowers around the place and love it when DH buys a bunch for my birthday or whatever. On this occasion however i hated them. Every time i walked into a room with some of them in there i was reminded what they were for and cried and sank down again.

I'd send a card or a lovely text or email. You're a good friend OP x

Nomad86 Fri 15-Dec-17 08:49:06

Maybe on the day, give her a call but don't mention the due date unless she does. If it's playing on her mind, she'll guess you're trying to be there for her but won't feel forced to talk about it if she doesn't want to.

princessconsuelobananahammock Fri 15-Dec-17 09:01:28

Just letting her know that you’ve remembered and are thinking of her is enough. A message or a card. I wouldn’t have wanted flowers. You try to get on with life & this would have dragged me back a bit. It’s a lovely thought & you’re a lovely friend.

LisaSimpsonsbff Fri 15-Dec-17 09:08:07

Even if it was (very sadly) a very late miscarriage at 24 weeks then surely you still have months to make this decision? I think the important thing is to keep talking to her about it for as long as she wants - and that should help you figure out whether or not this will be an appropriate thing once the due date comes round. As you can see, while everyone thinks it's a lovely thought, not everyone would have wanted flowers or a big gesture at all, so I think you can be guided by the way your friend is discussing it as you get nearer to the time.

Just in case - since you're talking of due date and loss as if they're close together, was it actually a stillbirth (sometimes people think that means the baby has to have died during birth, but anything after 24 weeks is a stillbirth)? If so I think that might change people's answers.

Aria2015 Fri 15-Dec-17 09:09:52

People kindly sent me flowers when I miscarried. I remember coming back from the hospital and there being 3 bunches on my doorstep. It just reminded me of death and made me sadder. I knew their intentions were well meant so I thanked everyone who sent me them but I wouldn’t send them myself. To be honest cards and texts that say that someone is thinking of you mean the most. Especially when they say ‘no reply expected / needed’. It’s always nice to know that your friends are thinking of you and won’t be offended if you don’t get back to them because you feel too sad. There’s no way she’ll have forgotten about her due date. It’s etched on your mind once you know it.

Aria2015 Fri 15-Dec-17 09:11:00

Ps. Friends like you mean the world to women like me who went through this sadness.

CaptainChristmas Fri 15-Dec-17 09:11:23

I’d go with phone call, as suggested up thread.

Phryne Fri 15-Dec-17 09:12:16

I had a miscarriage this year. The baby would have been due on my birthday. I was pregnant again by then (a fucking miracle as it seemed unlikely to be possible never mind in short order) but I would have appreciated it if someone had recognised that it was a difficult day despite the more recent good news. An email or a card sounds right to me. It's lovely you're thinking of it.

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