AIBU to give up on MIL?

[MILworries]

This is not a MIL bashing post, but I'm genuinely hoping to understand if IABU and whether anyone has managed to salvage a relationship with a MIL.

Me and my MIL don't get on. We don't argue, but there's always a simmering tension between us (it's the same between her and DH). We're different people, and there's a backstory (me and DH got together young, she didn't approve, particularly when we got married and wasn't shy about telling us). Anyway, that was all a long time ago, we managed to move past that, to a degree, we are cordial, see each other regularly, and now we have kids she's obviously involved with them.

However, like I say, we still don't really get on. I find it hard now we have kids and I see aspects of how she used to treat DH coming out again with them (being a bit of a disney grandparent, trying to buy favour/manipulate and control through showering with gifts). Don't get me wrong, I know grandparents are supposed to spoil kids, but it's getting a little out of hand. Everything when visiting has to be on her terms, we are 'corrected' on our parenting and DH is very clear and does challenge her regularly, but it is honestly like speaking to a brick wall and has always been that way. She has a tendency to speak/snap first and half heartedly apologise later before doing exactly the same thing again.

Both me and DH feel quite sad about the situation. We have genuinely tried to move past what it was like when we were kids. But we'd really just like our viewpoint to be respected in our own home where the kids are concerned.

So I'm wondering AIBU to give up on the relationship? I don't mean go no contact or anything, I just mean to not make the effort any more e.g. wait for requests to visit rather than extend the invitation, not waste the emotional energy on it, or is it salvageable? Instinctively I want to try hard to make it work, but after each visit I just feel exhausted and upset. Honestly I think we just struggle to get past how things were when we were teenagers and the relationship with her has never been able to move into one of adult - adult, we will always be treated as children, even in our own home.

[MILworries]

Sorry....hadn't intended that to be so long....

[Chaosofcalm]

If you are finding it so difficult I done think it is unreasonable to take a bit of a step back for a while but what does your DH think?

[milliemolliemou]

I think going slow and waiting for her to volunteer visits is the way to do it. Do your DC like her?

[Tinselistacky]

Stop inviting her to your home, let dh visit her if he wants but you aren't obliged to.

[hmmmmm]

I think you sound very patient. I'd be limiting contact tbh.

[Frederickvonhefferneffer]

She isn’t your Mum, she’s your dh’s. You don’t have to make the effort with her. He does. Her relationship with her grandchildren are her own responsibility. Free yourself from her. You are not obligated to her.

[MILworries]

Sorry I should have said, DH is on the same page, perhaps even more frustrated than me. But the DC adore her (in part thanks to all the gifts)!!!

[Hissy]

she is undermining your parenting.

the gifts are the reason, she knows full well what she's doing.

scale things back, don't allow her to 'correct your parenting'
stand up for yourselves

[RandomUsernameHere]

Watching with interest, I have in many ways a similar situation with my MiL. I can really relate to the excessive gift giving too.

[user1499333856]

Take a lovely step back.

I have recently from my MIL and SIL - both 'over-helpful', overbearing and ever present. It has made me so much happier in myself and how I am with my kids. She's not your mother, you don't have to manage the relationship. You only have to make sure you and your children are happy.

Sounds ruthless but limiting all interaction with people who drain the life out of you and detract from your family life is the way forward. Perhaps when you show you won't tolerate it any longer then she will learn to adapt her behaviour. She has no reason to change at present.

[MILworries]

Thanks all. I think you're right, it just seems sad that it's come to this, I do feel bad as I know I am still carrying a grudge about how we were treated when we got married. I am trying to get past it. I know MIL would like us to be closer too but seems totally unwilling to change anything. I think if me and DH had met later in life the relationship with her would be a bit better, less baggage. Other family members have noticed her behaviour and asked her to tone it down for our sakes too and it was laughed off, DH cant get through to her either and I just dont feel able to address it myself. I'd hoped someone would know of a way to get through it but it seems unlikely. I think a little space will do us all the world of good, we will just stop inviting and see how it goes.