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Husband says I’m selfish

(102 Posts)
LilyFlower2222 Wed 13-Dec-17 10:24:38

I asked if we could spend Christmas on our own with DC without he’s family. Been together for 17 years and since I met his family I’ve been cooking Christmas dinner etc and not one of them offers to help even the washing up. DH says he helps which means him sitting down and having a drink. I still have to also look after the DC whilst hosting all the adults. We have been going to inlaws for past years. Now we are in a bigger property it’s still not big enough to host everyone however the inlaws are insisting on coming regardless. I explained it would be nice to have one Christmas where I’m not running around. I explained it’s not that I don’t want he’s family to come it’s because I also want to relax and enjoy Christmas with DC. My family live abroad so not involved. AIBU. Thanks

BrandNewHouse Wed 13-Dec-17 10:26:55

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

amusedbush Wed 13-Dec-17 10:28:08

however the inlaws are insisting on coming regardless

That's so nice of them to bring loads of prepared dishes to help you out on Christmas Day. No? Then no invitation.

If your DH wants his family there on Christmas Day, he'd better get his apron on.

BrandNewHouse Wed 13-Dec-17 10:28:24

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MissingPanda Wed 13-Dec-17 10:28:47

You're not selfish, he is. YANBU

Justanothernameonthepage Wed 13-Dec-17 10:28:53

but this year, tell him you'll help him.
Then leave it to him. Help out if he asks, but step back. If you can, make plans to pop out Christmas day and visit someone to stop yourself swooping in and doing it.
Also applies to prepping the house for visitors.
And practice saying 'this year I decided to help DH as my gift to me'.
Maybe make sure there are some pizzas in the freezer.

Tinselistacky Wed 13-Dec-17 10:29:30

I feel a wrist sprain coming your way op. And a Delia does Christmas book going dh way!!

Chocolate254 Wed 13-Dec-17 10:29:44

Yanbu not selfish at all.

Cantuccit Wed 13-Dec-17 10:30:46

God, YANBU at all!

Tell him if he wants them to come, then he has to do ALL the work and STICK to it!

Or take your to your home country for Xmas and leave H and in laws to it.

Does he generally treat you like a skivvy?

Quartz2208 Wed 13-Dec-17 10:31:10

I would just say you are fine with them coming round but you are not cooking so if he is wanting it he can with there help (and stick to it)

RestingGrinchFace Wed 13-Dec-17 10:32:05

In you place I would just book a day at the spa and leave them to sort themselves out.

SleepFreeZone Wed 13-Dec-17 10:33:05

This would just be a red rag to a bull to me. I would basically leave him and his family to it and fuck off out somewhere else.

amusedbush Wed 13-Dec-17 10:33:41

Or even better - you can all go out for a nice Christmas lunch and he can pay for it. Seeing as it's sooooo important to him to have his family there it should be no problem to him.

LittleLionMansMummy Wed 13-Dec-17 10:33:46

I would counter that he's selfish for sitting on his lazy arse while you struggle with everything, including the children. Say that you expect him to pull his weight, make it clear what you expect, and if he doesn't do it you have laid the ground for never doing it again - and make this explicitly clear to him at the outset.

Chocolate254 Wed 13-Dec-17 10:34:59

Total agree with littlelion

Fishface77 Wed 13-Dec-17 10:36:43

Send a message round to his family and say I'm not doing Christmas this year you will need to make other arrangements

Jaxhog Wed 13-Dec-17 10:40:05

Tell him yes, provided:

a/ He cooks the dinner, while you relax
b/ You go to your family next year

CrazyMary Wed 13-Dec-17 10:40:17

YANBU. Your DH needs to pull his weight and do his share of the work. If the ILS are coming, get them to entertain the DC while DH helps in the kitchen.

Gruach Wed 13-Dec-17 10:41:19

When was the last time you spent Christmas (or any other significant time) with your family? Do you want to?

Because there may come a time when you look back and feel tremendously sad about all the wasted years of not seeing them. Your husband's family connection is not more important than yours.

Mishappening Wed 13-Dec-17 10:43:07

Make a list of what each person should bring: prepared veg from one, pudding from another etc. That's what we do - it works fine - no resentments.

Mulberry72 Wed 13-Dec-17 10:43:27


I’m in a similar situation, I’ve said no visitors Christmas Day/Boxing Day, nor are we going to anyone else’s house. MIL has seen her arse big time, so has SIL but I’m not arsed.

Do it your way OP, don’t be bullied or take any shit!

RidingWindhorses Wed 13-Dec-17 10:43:43

So if he wants to host his family he cooks the Christmas meal, right?

He can buy the whole lot from Cook and bung it in the oven.

RidingWindhorses Wed 13-Dec-17 10:44:30

Make a list of what each person should bring: prepared veg from one, pudding from another etc. That's what we do - it works fine - no resentments.

Don't you mean her DH should be making the list?

JoJoSM2 Wed 13-Dec-17 10:44:35

I wouldn’t like to do all the work for everyone. I’d tell him that they are welcome to come but he’ll need to shop, cook and wash up afterwards. And tell the family to arrange what dishes they’ll bring with DH.

HermioneAndTheSniffle Wed 13-Dec-17 10:45:48

Nope not selfish at all.

Seeing that your issue is that you are running around like a headless chicken and it’s so easy to organise all that, what about your propose to your DH that he is handling all the christmas dinner etc... and you will HELP by looking afetr the dcs??
That way, he gets his Christmas iwth the IL and you finally get your quiet time enjoying Christmas with the dcs.
This means of course that you will NOT step in on the day whe everything will go per shape, meal not ready in time etc....

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