to want DP to sometimes be the bad cop? Or just to step up generally?

[MrsPepperpot79]

Nothing kinky! I mean in terms of parenting. I am feeling so frustrated and annoyed that, despite him being a grown ass man, he seems unable to accept that sometimes our DC needs telling off.

He accepts my parenting of my older children. He knows they need boundaries and is ok with also telling them to calm down if over excited, or to tidying the sitting room if they've apparently set a bomb off in there. But his DD? Nope. DD is a toddler - 2 years old. With associated screaming tantrums and head-butting. As a result there is very little telling off to do - more anger management and reinforcing that if you throw things, or head-but in rage etc then you are sat in the naughty corner (corner of the kitchen with think rug on it to try and limit the head-butting of the floor that DD is prone to). He doesn't engage with this at all - not objecting to it, but waiting for me to always be the one who does it. When DD cries in the corner, he will go over and do the "oh, never mind, it's ok thing - even when DD (who is working out their anger) then becomes enraged again and slaps at him. But he doersn't seem to realise that this isn't helping DD, and I can't seem to explain this to him in a way he grasps.

Final straw was this morning. DD having tantrum (wrong bowl for cereal - nothing else could then go right). Asked him to put DD in car seat so I could do the school runs and go to work. We are running close to late by now as DD so uncooperative this morning. He takes her - I have to remind about putting on a coat - and goes out. I get others out, put milk away, grab my lunch, turn off lights, lock doors and go to car. To find him stood there, holding DD, and saying - but she doesn't want to go in her seat. I took DD, plopped her in seat, did her up, handed her her blanket and that was that. FFS. Why cant a grown-ass man put a 2 year old in a car seat? Why do I always have to be the discipline-giver, the "bad cop". I'm tired of it. I had to do it all the time with the others as was single mum - but that meant I was good cop too. Now, i'm increasingly just the bad cop. And my resentment at that is making me actually like the bad cop.

AIBU to feel pissed off? AIBU to expect him to be able to help discipline - or at least not to undermine? He knows what I do, he has said he's pleased I don't smack or try not to shout.

Any ideas on how I can get this through to him?

[TitaniasCloset]

Yanbu and I am numbing for some better advice from someone else. This would piss me off too. I think he needs parenting advice.

[TitaniasCloset]

Bumping not numbing ffs

[Ellendegeneres]

God I'd lose my shit living with a man like that. Yanbu, what a twat

[mrsmuddlepies]

you say his DD, not our daughter. Is she his daughter from a previous relationship?

[MachineBee]

He’s a Disney Dad I’m afraid. Sorry, not helpful, but your instinct about sorting this now is spot on.

I’m 10 years down the road with my 4DSC and my DH is only now realising he’s not helping his kids by having no boundaries or sanctions for bad behaviour. It’s much harder —impossible— to change now.

[MrsPepperpot79]

Sorry, should have been clearer. Two eldest DC are mine, youngest is ours.
Just can't think how else to get him to see that being Mr nice all the time won't work, and that if he tries to suddenly tell DD what to do when she's older, she won't respect him?

[Sprinklestar]

He sees it as your job to look after the children.

[SammySays]

YANBU my DH is exactly the same. We have a 2yr old DD and I am forever asking why I have to be the only ‘parent’- he is a friend rather than a parent to our DD. He is never responsible in the sense I have to tell him every little thing step by step and I am always the one telling our DD off. I keep asking lately ‘why do I always have to be the bad guy’. I am sick of being the adult and the disciplinarian. I am sick of feeling guilty that all i seem to do is tell our DD off and DH is seen as fun Daddy. It’s driving me up the wall lately too.

[MachineBee]

It will damage his relationship with your older DC as kids pick up if they are treated differently and the older DCs will resent it very much.

[MrsPepperpot79]

Sammysays - exactly! Soooo annoying!

Machinebee- I worry about this too. At the moment they haven't said anything but as DD gets older - and they do - they will feel different and resent that. And given their dad's less than stellar contact record they won't have much outside input to counteract their feelings of being second place...

[MachineBee]

Work out a strategy and pick your battles. If you’re going to be late and miss a flight for example, then obviously sort it so you don’t. But otherwise if he’s hopeless with DDs tantrums wait until her behaviour impacts his priorities and just step back. It’s hard but try not to automatically take over when he’s dithering and let him work out how to solve the impasse, whatever that may be. Sudden toilet visits can be handy as he won’t be able to just leave it to you, if you’re on the loo!

[MachineBee]

Forgot to add, you may have to accept your timescales being disrupted for a while until he gets the hang of it.

Also, try to leave him alone with your DD and perhaps use that time to do stuff on your own with your own DCs. They will appreciate time alone with you and he’ll manage. It will give him a sense that you trust him with your child. He may feel you’re the childcare expert (as you’ve 2 DCs already) and not have much confidence in his own abilities.