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Can't decide as I can't think straight.

(26 Posts)
sureitsgrand Wed 13-Dec-17 09:01:54

Hi,
Posting for traffic, but I am currently waiting for treatment for severe pre natal depression so please don't be too harsh.

I'm 34 weeks pregnant. My dh has form for drinking heavily, but has cut down to a certain extent this year.

I'm worried I will go into early labour and he won't be able to drive me to hospital, as he often has a few glasses of wine of an evening. (3 nights a week?). I asked him to cut it down/stop but he said it's me panicking and he will be having his usual few drinks over xmas. He says he's spoken to other people and it's unlikely I will go early as I didn't last time. He says we will get me to the hospital no matter what if anything does happen.

My mum and dad live right beside us and said I need to stop being so hard on him, that he's trying very hard. They said there will always be someone to drive me if needed. They are usually quite reasonable so that makes me think I probably am not thinking straight.

I have very little tolerance for anything right now, and cannot remember how it felt to relax with a drink, I don't really understand why it's so important to him (prior to this I've always loved a drink or two myself). I just wish he would reassure me but he won't, he slept in the spare room last night and I havent heard from him this morning, he would usually have rang by now. I don't imagine I'm great to be around right now either.

sureitsgrand Wed 13-Dec-17 09:07:24

Apologies, my paragraphs seem to have disappeared.

meredintofpandiculation Wed 13-Dec-17 09:09:08

You're trying to take responsibility for everything, make sure everything is under control, which is understandable. But it sounds as if you have loving people around you. Even if labour starts at a bad time for your DH, your parents will make sure you're OK. You can afford to relax a little.

sureitsgrand Wed 13-Dec-17 09:11:52

Thanks. I just feel if I could sort everything out I'd be ok? Does that make sense?

Costacoffeeplease Wed 13-Dec-17 09:15:42

It sounds like your fixating your anxiety onto this one thing - your parents have reassured you that it will be ok, so I think you can believe them

GrowThroughWhatYouGoThrough Wed 13-Dec-17 09:17:51

How far is the hospital could it be got to by taxi? Could you put the money for the taxi in an envelope for just in case? It might make you feel better.
I think your trying to control everything and because you can't it's upsetting you.
I'm sure you'll be fine with your husband/ family around good luck x

BMW6 Wed 13-Dec-17 09:20:32

Tbh 3 nights a week is not excessive IMO and if he cannot drive you to hospital why can't you get a taxi to take you?

Domino20 Wed 13-Dec-17 09:22:32

Surely you understand that not everyone or every family have a car in their lives! It is possible to get to hospital without a car. Your anxiety is about something else, I hope you can work out what and spend some time relaxing? Good luck x

BMW6 Wed 13-Dec-17 09:22:58

You can't control what MIGHT happen - the car might not start, your husband might be too ill to drive, etc etc. Have taxi money set aside just in case.

sureitsgrand Wed 13-Dec-17 09:24:55

I suppose I could get a taxi or a lift. I just wanted him to reassure me. I can't figure out what's fair on us both. Just feel so boring.

sureitsgrand Wed 13-Dec-17 09:25:55

My thinking is skewed I know that.

Llanali Wed 13-Dec-17 09:29:32

But he has reassured you?
He says we will get me to the hospital no matter what if anything does happen.

Marmighty Wed 13-Dec-17 09:32:52

Are you anxious about your DH drinking in general? It must be disappointing that he couldn't recognise your anxiety and reassure you. It sounds like practically you have options with your parents and taxis, so try not to fixate on this one thing. Can you work out if there is something underlying this anxiety? I'm sorry you have PND, hope you get the treatment and support you need asap flowers

unfortunateevents Wed 13-Dec-17 09:36:00

I just feel if I could sort everything out I'd be ok? - but everything will never be under control, if you sort this there will be something else to worry about? I think a combination of being so pregnant and awaiting treatment is making you unwell. I know it's easy to say but try to believe those around you who obviously care for you and will make things work.

swingofthings Wed 13-Dec-17 09:43:49

This really reminds me of my experience with DS2. DP didn't drive, so we were reliant on his parents to drive us to hospital. DS was due on New Year's eve, so poor parents didn't dare drinking during the whole Xmas period and then NYE! Then by the 3rd, they got bored so called me at 9pm to ask if I was likely to go into labour. By then, I felt it was never going to happen, had no twinges, nothing so said go ahead. Went to bed at 11am and as I did, my water broke and contractions started.

We ended up having to call sister in law's husband, the only one who drove (who we rarely ever spoke to) to take us to hospital and wait until I was discharged at 4am... the poor guy had to then go to work as a postman at 5am! Parents were able to take me back to hospital at 11am the next day when it was clear he was on his way. He will be 15 now and we all still recall the event during the holiday periods!

Don't fret, you'll be ok, at worse you can call an ambulance. You'll be fine. Good luck with your treatment.

TwitterQueen1 Wed 13-Dec-17 09:48:43

A few glasses of wine 3 times a week or so is not heavy drinking.

Also, you are only 34 weeks, so let's assume you have 6 still to go, which takes us through to 24th January.... Why do you want him to stop now?

My friend had her 2nd baby on the bathroom floor as labour was a bit quick. Everyone was fine - they all laugh about it.

As others have said, and I say too, very gently and kindly, this is your depression and anxiety speaking here.

You cannot control the world, nor other people. You will never get everything 'sorted out'. Things will be OK. You will get better and regain your balance.

timshortfforthalia Wed 13-Dec-17 09:48:47

I am really sorry to hear about your depression. Hopefully the dark clouds will shift once your little one is here flowers

BluePlasticBuddha Wed 13-Dec-17 09:49:23

Don't worry so much. xx Relax, really, it sounds like it is sorted.

It does sound like you are fixating on this, which is the sort of thing I do also when my depression takes hold, so I understand that. if you wish- write down all the plans your DH and parents have told you about,plus the taxi plan and when you are getting anxious read them aloud.Say ; I do not have to worry because...' then read through the list. Do it every time.

And.. is there anything you can do for yourself, take some time out? Go to the movies, see a friend for lunch- just try and relax. You need some self care.

thanks

sureitsgrand Wed 13-Dec-17 09:49:53

Thanks. I presume it's the pre natal depression that is causing me to be anxious or misunderstanding for those asking sorry if I'm not being clear.

ReanimatedSGB Wed 13-Dec-17 09:51:55

I think you are being a bit over-anxious - plenty of people do not have cars and manage perfectly well.
You're going to get a few pious twats on here insisting that your H is a selfish alcoholic and you should LTB because he won't give up drinking entirely over the festive period, but ignore them. A few glasses of wine three times a week is fairly average drinking, and you do have family willing to drive if necessary. It's not reasonable to expect everyone's lives to be on hold for weeks on end in case you go into early labour. Can you talk to your midwife or GP about the anxiety?

AnnieAnoniMouse Wed 13-Dec-17 09:55:27

((Hug))

Firstly, put the cash aside for a taxi, so that you know, failing all else, you can get there by taxi. IF at the time a taxi won’t take you, call an ambulance. It’s not ideal as far as the use of NHS resources go, but no one in their right mind would begrudge you doing that.

Secondly, I honestly wonder how much of your pre natal depression is coming from being pregnant to someone who ‘drinks heavily’ and you don’t feel you can rely on. Someone who isn’t putting you & the baby first. It must be quite scary, especially so close to the baby arriving.

What would he say if you said ‘It’s not about the transport, it’s about you being at the birth - sober, useful & not breathing wine/beer breath all over me. It’s about you being actually involved in our child’s birth in a healthy way’.

You are a married woman, about to have your husbands baby. It’s nice to have your parents support, but you shouldn’t need THEIR reassurance that they’ll take you if your DH is too hammered to be any bloody use.

You could call the family support part of the AA. Apparently they’re really good.

user1495451339 Wed 13-Dec-17 09:56:15

My husband stopped drinking a month before each due date!! He loves drinking too! You have had to give up drinking for 9 months so it is not much to ask for him to stop for a few weeks.

Not drinking when everyone around you is can make you feel a bit left out so it would be nice for him to show some solidarity. Also childcare seems to fall on the non drinking one more so you are probably doing more of that too.

peachgreen Wed 13-Dec-17 10:45:33

Hmm. It's a tricky one. I don't think asking your DH to give up drinking (or at least stay under the limit) in the run up to birth is unreasonable, but it is still quite early. I'm also 34 weeks pregnant and while DH has cut down drinking (mostly because it's less fun when I can't join in!), I wouldn't think to ask him to stop completely just yet - and we don't have any family support nearby so a taxi would be our only back up plan! Is there any indication that you might go into labour early? Is the baby engaged?

I think PPs are right and your pre-natal depression is causing your anxiety to fixate on this one point. It's worth discussing that with your DH - maybe there's a compromise you can reach if he understands that you KNOW that you're being a bit unreasonable about it?

KimmySchmidt1 Wed 13-Dec-17 10:55:47

labour can always start at a bad time in any pregnancy - I'm 33 weeks and my DH is going to be in Court (appearing as a lawyer not as a defendant lol!) when I am about 38 weeks so it could happen then! Nothing to do with drinking and there will always be something like that going on. But you shouldnt worry - there will be an ambulance to call if needs be and as you say you have family next door.

Don't let the hormones damage your relationship - call or text DH and be honest with him - your hormones are making you very anxious and the impeding birth is not an easy task or a risk-free process, so you are a bit overwhelmed at the moment.

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira Wed 13-Dec-17 11:01:33

Assume you can’t rely on him and either make sure your parents are on standby or you have money for a cab.

I drive but DH doesn’t and we had no family around when my last baby was born, so I got a cab. Lots of people don’t have someone to drive them.

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