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To wonder why you had children ?

(112 Posts)
Ashamedandblamed Tue 12-Dec-17 22:24:52

I keep thinking about children lately.

A lot of my friends have had babies this year and not in the best circumstances. I think it's put me off.

Ndn children scream and bang from 7:30-11pm which boils my blood As it is !

I keep thinking about how will I cope?Will I even be able to conceive? do I even want children ? I don't want to give up my job!

I guess I'm just panicking I don't exactly have my life together anyway.

So would I be unreasonable to not have children?

And could I ask did you always know you wanted them. Did it suddenly click for you and you wanted them.

Did you decide not to and regret it?

PinkHeart5914 Tue 12-Dec-17 22:28:55

I wanted a family of my own

I like children

I wanted something to connect me and dh forever

I also knew I wanted them but that desire got stronger over time.

My dc certainly do not bang and scream all day!

You don’t have to give up your job, you do not have to be a stay home parent

Of course yanbu if you decide not to have dc, it’s your life and your descion nobody else has a say

CherryChasingDotMuncher Tue 12-Dec-17 22:29:18

YWNBU. As a mother of 2 very young kids I can assure you it's not for the faint hearted.

I think on some level I had them because it's what you're supposed to do in life next. I didn't have a burning desire for kids, but I'm pleased I have them.there are times I look at them and could cry with happiness and times where I could easily get in the car and drive and drive until I'm all alone. There's absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting children.

It's really not normal for kids to be until 11pm BTW, unless they're older teens, have a word with your neighbour!

Pennywhistle Tue 12-Dec-17 22:32:23

Don’t have them if you don’t want them, it’s not mandatory.

MountCrumpit Tue 12-Dec-17 22:33:07

I'm 39 and as yet have decided not to. I honestly can think of more reasons not to than to. .. There are conditions in my family I wouldn't want to pass on, the earth doesn't need my offspring, it doesn't need more consumers, I worry about the world I'd be bringing it into. I don't rate humanity in the whole.... The reasons go on and on....
The only reason I can think of having them is to help secure my future as I age, and that's ultimately selfish.
I'm sure I'll be torn apart for my views but TBH, they ARE my views and that's how I feel.

MountCrumpit Tue 12-Dec-17 22:35:00

....and I feel a huge failure for holding those views too and not producing offspring.

MeadowHay Tue 12-Dec-17 22:35:43

Ugh our old neighbour had 3 under 5 in the flat below us and they never left the house, I was home most of the time due to ill-health and the noise was frankly horrendous and frequently until midnight-ish. I never spoke to them about it because they are small children and how can I comment about the noise other than it coming across in a 'they should be in bed at that time' way which I can't see going down well! We've always lived in blocks of flats mostly of young people and students and they are the noisiest neighbours we've had thus far! Drove us mad!!

Anyway no you wouldn't be unreasonable not to have kids, not everyone wants kids, there's nothing wrong with that.

Though you don't necessarily have to give up work to have a child(ren) and yeah small children shouldn't really be still awake at 11pm making noise. My 2yr old niece is in bed by about 7/8pm or something.

I'm 13 weeks pregnant now with our first. We sorta always assumed we would have kids from the start of our relationship, just like it would be the done thing I suppose and we both did always like children. Then the last 2 years we have been very broody but were not in a position to have a child. As soon as our circs changed to be a bit more stable we started ttc and 4 months later got the BFP. It was so weird seeing the little thing on the screen at the scan the other week shock. I am struggling with hyperemesis so my pregnancy is horrendous and getting me down, but we both know this baby is very much wanted.

Cath2907 Tue 12-Dec-17 22:37:04

I always vaguely assumed I would then one day I woke up and the hormones were screaming! We only had one though - best of both worlds!

MeadowHay Tue 12-Dec-17 22:37:10

Mount You're not a failure! It's a personal choice - it's much better for you not to have kids if you don't want them, than not to want them but to do it anyway just cos you feel you should! If it makes you feel any better, I'm expecting but I have had similar worries/thoughts before especially about 'what kind of world am I bringing this child into'. I think your views are entirely reasonable and valid.

HairyToity Tue 12-Dec-17 22:37:26

I think not having children is a selfless act. The environmental damage humans do is immense. The world is not underpopulated.

Regardless of this, I have two children. I had a burning desire to procreate. Never regretted it.

Ragnarhairybretches Tue 12-Dec-17 22:38:02

I didn't want them, he did. I had to decide before I married if I could agree to having kids. We now have 3, he is an amazing dad, very involved and I do not regret my decision.
I adore my kids BUT if I had married a man who wasn't fussed would I have still had them? Don't know, possibly not unless my biological clock kicked in.

Hatsoffdear Tue 12-Dec-17 22:38:38

Ds1.. planned

Ds2 wine, ds3 wine and gin, dds4/5 insanity and wine. grin

It’s perfectly acceptable to not want children.

They don’t all leave at 18 and even if they do you have many wonderful happy moments but you never ever know a totally tranquil one.

My dsis has no kids and has a wonderful care free selfish life. I envy her sometimes but generally love having a large family. Generally wink

MountCrumpit Tue 12-Dec-17 22:41:35

Thank you MeadowHay, that's really comforting to hear. Good luck to you and yours xx

I suppose the hard part of the decision is comparing myself to others expectations of me, my parents expect grandchildren, all my friends have them etc..... But I don't want them. I just don't.

I love my Nephews fiercely, so it's not an animosity towards children as such...

Ashamedandblamed Tue 12-Dec-17 22:42:07

@MeadowHay congrats !!! fsmile

@mount I think I agree massively with some parts of what your saying!

The world is a mess, at times I haven't wanted to live here anymore. Why would I put someone else through it?

And in regards to the neighbour they have a baby under one and I think 5&8. I don't know how they are up before me and going to school after screaming and banging till 11:15 lastnight. Bonkers.

Thanks for the comments everyone it's really interesting.

Codlet Tue 12-Dec-17 22:46:21

I always wanted children, it was an easy decision for me and I love being a Mum.

But it is also completely rational and understandable to decide not to go down that route.

It’s good that you’re thinking this through - not just blindly having kids because everyone else is. Once you’ve had them you can never go back!

minipie Tue 12-Dec-17 22:46:51

Why did I have kids? 90% hormones, 10% FOMO probably. With maybe a pinch of societal expectation in there too.

Would I recommend it? Absolutely not, without a biological urge to have them. From an objective perspective they make your life a million per cent harder (unless you happen to have really easy ones, I don't!) Subjectively of course you love them to pieces, and for me yes that does outweigh the downsides, but I'd never risk recommending parenthood to someone in case the balance turned out differently for them.

So YWNBU to not have kids. And you would be unreasonable to have one as a way of "getting your life together"; trust me it would do the exact opposite!

scrabbler3 Tue 12-Dec-17 22:48:08

My first pregnancy was accidental and my second shortly afterwards was because we thought DC1 would like a sibling. No more thought went into it. It's turned out fine.

MeadowHay Tue 12-Dec-17 22:49:00

Mount Without wanting to derail the thread, I think women can't do right for doing wrong tbh. If you have kids you spend your whole life with everyone wanting to comment on your parenting etc or judging the size of your family, the age at which you became a mother, the age gaps, your financial situation etc etc. If you don't have kids then you have your lack of children commented on all the time too, people think you're odd, you're not providing grandkids, etc etc. When really everyone should stfu about things that are nothing to do with them and let people get on with their lives as they see fit.

AgainPlease Tue 12-Dec-17 22:53:28

I knew I always wanted to be a mum from a young age, probably 16ish. It’s all I ever wanted to be - a mum.

But the universe has a sick sense of humour though and I started ttc at 26, diagnosed with “unexplained infertility”, £25,000 on IVF, one miscarriage, one live birth at death at 20 weeks pg, and now 37 weeks pregnant and almost 30 years old.

If you don’t want kids, don’t have them!

SilverdaleGlen Tue 12-Dec-17 22:54:57

No idea, especially when your ex who convinced you that you weren't too selfish to have them and would be a great mum fucks off and leaves you as sole carer and provider.

I adore them and there is much joy there and perhaps the won't hate me for being so shit when they are older that they will be my little team, but it is not easy and sometimes feels like a cage.

So if you don't want them don't have them.

corythatwas Tue 12-Dec-17 22:56:21

For me, it was the challenge as much as anything else. Like wanting to climb a mountain or something. Have large extended family so had a fair idea of how annoying children can be.

It's a personal thing. Lots of people don't want to climb mountains either. It's fine not to want to.

Clitoria Tue 12-Dec-17 22:56:26

The thread has barely started and a childfree relative of someone has already been called ‘selfish’, being childfree is the opposite of selfish. I have a family, having a kid is not ‘starting a family’, the planet is fucked, there are too many humans consuming, water and heat struggles will be an issue children born now will have to deal with in their future, there will be climate refugees, the soil has enough nutrients for another 60 years. On a personal note, I can’t stand the idea of anything to do with pregnancy, labour, or parenthood, my shitty genes do not need to be forced onto yet another person. But ‘selfish’, yeah? hmm

Rainbowandraindrops67 Tue 12-Dec-17 22:56:54

An overwhelming urge to do so

Leaving kids is hard. If you don’t have overwhelming urge then don’t have them

Oh and your neighbours kids will be asleep by 7 nice and quietly - and then be waking up making noise at 11.... that is one of them... the other will be up until 9 and the other asleep from 6-12 and then awake the rest of the night. Believe me your neighbours are trying, and wish they could have all the kids in bed by 7 and then sleep through.

Like I said, having kids not easy!!!

Rainbowandraindrops67 Tue 12-Dec-17 22:57:41

Having not leaving

And yes it is selfless to not have kids!

TheProdigalRhubarb Tue 12-Dec-17 22:58:13

I never really liked children but couldn’t imagine growing old without a family. Reached 35, still no feelings of broodiness, but thought we’d better have a crack at it in case we regretted it later.

Fortunately the old chestnut ‘it’s different when they’re your own’ is utterly true - I still don’t like other people’s children but I adore my own. The early years were very difficult for me; I like peace, quiet and an orderly life so small children throwing everything into disarray and limiting my lifestyle was challenging to say the least.

BUT those years go by quickly, and Primary School age children are funny and interesting, and on the whole fairly civilised. There’s no need for them to be up till 11pm making a racket if you don’t want them to; you are the parent and you are in control of such things.

I am very happy with my family. It has been the right decision for me. But I would probably have been perfectly fulfilled and happy if I hadn’t had children - many, many people are.

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