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(35 Posts)
StanMarsh Tue 12-Dec-17 18:55:57

It's my husbands 30th Birthday on 23rd Dec. Given the close proximity to Xmas, many people understandably can't make it, which is a night out in a local city.

However we are spending it with two of his good friends and their partners - all good I thought.

Husband is disappointed by the turn out which I do understand but most likely his friends just aren't available two days before Xmas with family and other commitments. We also both work shifts and quite frankly, it's an absolute miracle that we have both been able to schedule that night off. Most of his friends are also shift workers and we all have to work over the Xmas period so we were always up against it in terms of numbers.

Anyway another of his friends has said he would like to come but he will also be seeing husbands ex GF that night (with his wife). His friend and the ex GF are still good mates but husband is not in contact with her and wouldn't refer to her as a friend.

I've met his ex on a couple of occasions - mutual friends birthdays, a wedding etc. She's a nice person, I have no issue with her and happy to chat to her in a large social gathering.

However, husbands friend and his wife have said they would like to come to his birthday but would it be ok if ex GF came too as they already had prior plans to see her.

Husband is fine with this and just wants as many of his friends there as possible. I'm just feeling a little uneasy about it, not because I'm jealous but to be honest I think I'm just going to feel a bit embarrassed to celebrate my husbands 30th with a very small group of friends.....and his ex. If it was a bigger group of people I would probably grin and bare it, but this just feels like quite an intimate gathering.

Because I'd previously told my husband that I thought she was nice, he's taken that to mean she can come and can't really see the issue. I don't want to make an issue out of it, I want him to have a great Birthday but I can't help the way I feel.

How should I play this?

TidyDancer Tue 12-Dec-17 18:57:37

Surely it's up to your husband? If he's okay with her being there on his birthday, I'd go with it.

JoshHommesWife Tue 12-Dec-17 18:57:59

Id just let your husband decide

EllaHen Tue 12-Dec-17 18:59:16

I don't see a problem with his ex coming.

Hisnamesblaine Tue 12-Dec-17 19:01:34

I'm with you op. It's too all gathering. I would feel uncomfortable. UANBI to not want her there

StanMarsh Tue 12-Dec-17 19:04:12

I should also say that if the situation was reversed and it was one of my ex's, I really don't think he would be ok with it!

So, it does feel a little like double standards....

CuriousaboutSamphire Tue 12-Dec-17 19:08:12

YABU. when we first got together I had to spend uncounted hours with DHs 'one that got away'. She was nice - and never ever said those words, PoisonousSIL did!!

Add to that her best mate was his first ever gf and another the first he ever slept with... they had all known him all their lives, I had only known him for some weeks.

It helps to remember those all important letters are there for a reason - ex

curryforbreakfast Tue 12-Dec-17 19:13:28

I don't know why anyone would feel uncomfortable if she's nice and he doesn't mind. They don't have kids or dramas of any kind I presume? What is there to mind about?

StanMarsh Tue 12-Dec-17 19:25:23

I think because it's a special birthday, we should spend it with friends, people who we keep in touch with and see regularly, not a random ex, who if it were not for circumstance, would not be there.

JaneyGotAGun Tue 12-Dec-17 19:26:24

I'm with you OP- that scenario sounds really awkward and uncomfortable. Especially as your DH wouldn't like it if the roles were reversed!


midnightmisssuki Tue 12-Dec-17 20:11:31

If she’s nice and there are other people I wouldn’t have an issue with it. I guess you risk looking like you have an issue with it if you say no now, as you’ve said you find her ok and have spoken to her before. Do what you comfortable with doing OP.

StanMarsh Tue 12-Dec-17 20:27:01

Oh god I just don't know what to do....

I don't want to be unreasonable about this, I'm sure it'll be fine, it's just really not what I would have liked.

But the, it's not my birthday, so perhaps I should just suck it up.

ticketytock1 Tue 12-Dec-17 20:32:32

He's your husband and that should give you some security. Maybe different if you were newly dating but you've got him in the bag lol... let it wash over!

BluBambu Tue 12-Dec-17 22:17:30

I get how you feel, it's an important event for you both and normally she wouldn't be there. I think it's a little cheeky of them to ask, surely the ex would understand if they said we can't make our prior arrangement due to good friend's 30th can we rearrange? I wouldn't invite a friends ex (or anyone else for that matter) to their birthday celebrations unless they were good friends with the person whose birthday it was.

LemonShark Tue 12-Dec-17 22:23:08

I think the weird bit is that husband isn't actually friends with or in touch with the ex... so why would he want her there at his birthday? Why reopen that door?

StanMarsh Tue 12-Dec-17 22:57:31

He was adamant that he didn't really care about seeing her, rather that he just wanted to meet up with this other friend.

Who knows, maybe he is secretly giddy about the fact he'll see her again!

I just think it's going to be awkward given how few people there are. Plus another friend who's coming literally hasn't seen her since she was going out with my husband - so I just think it's going to be totally cringeworthy, the three of us there together.

My other concern is that my husband doesn't handle his drink particularly well. We very rarely get drunk together these days as many a night out has been ruined by him acting like a knob. So, there is a real risk of things going south - combining a light weight husband and ex hmm

midnightmisssuki Wed 13-Dec-17 00:47:45

Op you sound as it you really don’t want her to go which is fair enough - just tell him you’re not comfortable with her going which is the truth.

PlainOldJosephineMary Wed 13-Dec-17 02:29:49

YANBU. Fuck that for a game of toy soldiers. No way on earth, and yes I trust my husband blah blah blah but just nope. No one is that cool.

DrunkUnicorn Wed 13-Dec-17 02:40:38

Nope YANBU.. Sorry, no constructive advice to offer but I would not be cool with that!

LHReturns Wed 13-Dec-17 02:50:43

You are asking the question because it makes you uncomfortable. Why have anything at a lovely celebration that makes you uncomfortable. For whatever reason (and I don't care at all why the idea makes you uneasy), just get her off the guest list so you can forget about it.

Personally I would hate an exG at an event for either my husband or me. Husband wouldnt want it either because he isn't good at 'owning' awkward situations (for him an awkward situation would be having to introduce me to her and then wait for me to be ALL BREEZY and OK with it, then try to lighten the mood which I would do in a childish way by talking about willies or something). It would all be hideous and not worth it. I am 42 with two kids. I should know better.

slothface Wed 13-Dec-17 03:04:25

If she's an ex from some time ago and they haven't spoken for ages and it's all water under the bridge I can't see the issue. If it was a recent breakup and you were concerned they weren't fully over each other then yes, can definitely see the problem there. But it sounds like it's the former, I really wouldn't let it bother you. It'll probably be more awkward for her, I doubt she thought she'd end up having to go to a random ex's birthday night out when she arranged to meet up with friends!

StarWarsFanatic Wed 13-Dec-17 03:11:43

I would have said it'll be fine, it's his birthday, etc. before the thing about him being a lightweight.

With that in mind I would suggest talking to him about it beforehand whether she comes or not.

I get the whole jealousy thing, I am that way inclined and tbh it would bother the crap out of me but I would still let her come because I trust DH. I would also make a point of "reminding him" how much he loves me being his wife before we went out, if you catch my meaning wink.

There is always the chance that if the other friends invite her and explain why she will turn around and say to go without her. I am guessing it would be awkward for her tbh and in her shoes I wouldn't want to go.

LemonShark Wed 13-Dec-17 09:14:28

It just seems way more hassle than it's worth. I have exes I have no contact with but also no beef with and no way in hell would I show up to their birthday where they'll be with their spouse! Anyone with an ounce of common sense would walk away from this situation. If they're actual friends and it's a long ended relationship and you already know her that's one thing but this is just too weird. I mean what are him and her gonna talk about? What's changed since they last dated? With his wife right there? 😂

Just be honest with your husband OP and tell him you'd prefer she didn't come along. If it was have a night out for my birthday with two great friends or four great friends and my ex I know which I'd choose 😂

StanMarsh Wed 13-Dec-17 09:35:28

'then try to lighten the mood which I would do in a childish way by talking about willies or something)'

That is hilarious and actually reminds me of the last time I saw her. I was drunk and being too try hard. I thought she was nice and we had a laugh but I was probably trying to be too 'cool' with it all - urgh how embarrassing....

LemonShark - you are totally right. I would far rather spend it with two good mates rather than four plus ex but my husband seems to be hyper focussed on numbers. I think it's a bit of an ego thing to be honest. I've tried to explain to him that this isn't a popularity contest, it's not like he doesn't have friends it's just his birthday is 23rd Dec! Not a good time for a knees up!

LemonShark Wed 13-Dec-17 10:21:34

Why don't you both just postpone the get together for that dead zone between xmas and new year instead? Or in the new year? Doesn't have to be bang on his birthday. And make the celebration on the 23rd just between the two of you, take him out and spoil him?

All I know is that any caring partner wouldn't respond badly to their other half saying 'look babe, I feel really weird about spending the evening with your ex when she's not part of our circle of friends to begin with, I'd rather she wasn't invited. What do you think?' I can't imagine anyone having a problem with their spouse not wanting to hang out with their ex!

So just be honest. It wouldn't even come up as a possibility in my relationship. It's just way too weird and will ruin the evening anyway.

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