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AIBU to agree with the school?

(55 Posts)
Notss Tue 12-Dec-17 15:36:22

We’ve just had a parents evening.

DS1 is 13 (Yr9); and although he is capable of acheiveing whatever a C is now, the general consensus seems to be that if he carries on as is he is going to fail most of his GCSEs. I’ve been told that he just doesn’t put the effort in and refuses to engage with anything even a little challenging. This seems to have started with puberty: as at primary school we never had any issues; he met expectations in his SATs and behaviour was typical for his age.

I’m happy to support the school on this; I’ve told the teachers that they can email or phone me if he doesn’t at least try the work and he will be punished at home (no internet, going out...) I’ve also asked if extra homework could be given for when he’s fallen behind that I can do with him and a number of teachers have given me some to work with over Christmas.

I told DH all this and he went mad. He said that the school should be doing the extra work, not us at home and that if he isn’t working in lesson then it must be because the lessons are boring or not appropriate, so it’s the teacher’s fault not DS and He’s not happy for DS to revive a double punishment for not what happens at school.

Aibu or is he?

As extra info, I did ask if teachers could give any extra sessions for him; and was told that wouldn’t be possible at this stage as they already give extra sessions to underachieving Yr10 and 11 as well as running clubs.

shushpenfold Tue 12-Dec-17 15:37:45

Your DH would end up with a DS who took no responsibility for anything! YADNBU.

Shoxfordian Tue 12-Dec-17 15:38:24

He's totally unreasonable and entitled

pinkhorse Tue 12-Dec-17 15:39:25


Trinity66 Tue 12-Dec-17 15:40:15

YANBU kids are parents responsibilities, if he's not making an effort it's up to you and your husband to put extra work in not the teachers, they don't get paid enough and are already stretched, good for you to accept this though and not just try to pass the blame from your son

Wolfiefan Tue 12-Dec-17 15:41:03

He needs consequences for his actions. Your husband's attitude stinks! It's all the teachers' fault for making it boring or inappropriate? Really? Is every child acting up then? In every lesson? Teachers have their lessons inspected to ensure they are appropriate and pace etc is fitting for each class. Wonder where DS gets his disrespect of staff? hmm
And teachers shouldn't have to give up lunch and break and after school time when they could be helping exam students to help someone who can't be arsed in class.

Ginorchoc Tue 12-Dec-17 15:41:30

I’ve spoken to a teacher at my daughters school over something similar she is flying in all subjects but maths, she struggled a little so has lost interest when she can do it but struggled to believe in herself, teacher was great and we have come up with a similar plan, why wouldn’t you do everything you can to help confused

Bobbiepin Tue 12-Dec-17 15:41:44

As a teacher I can tell you if you listen to your DH or let your DS hear what he's said your son will fail. DS needs to put in the work and pronto. What you are doing is spot on but don't rely on the school for extra support unless DS starts pulling his weight.

Trb17 Tue 12-Dec-17 15:44:57

You are right
Your DH is wrong

As his parents, it’s up to you to help his attitude to work and effort improve.

School is there to teach your son.
You are there to raise him.

Well done for being so proactive.

Pengggwn Tue 12-Dec-17 15:44:59

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BenLui Tue 12-Dec-17 15:46:08

Your husband’s attitude is quite odd really. He doesn’t feel any responsibility for helping his DS pass his exams?

Learning to work hard is an important skill. I think you are doing the right thing but do also speak to your DS and see if you can get to the root of the trouble regarding school.

catwoozle Tue 12-Dec-17 15:47:15

I think you and the school can only do what you can, but it's up to your DS to decide to make more effort, you can only facilitate it.

Your DH needs to buck up his ideas- this is where DS's issues are coming from.

LaurieFairyCake Tue 12-Dec-17 15:47:58

I couldn't live with someone who thought it was the fault of the teaching confused 'boring or not appropriate' confused

It's your sons responsibility to avail himself of the education that you have chosen for him, not the teachers to shove it down his neck against his will.

Your dh is a numpty.

Oblomov17 Tue 12-Dec-17 15:48:32

DS1 is year 9, so I am very much aware of how hard year 9 is. Our school has exams this week and next, and based on this they will be put into sets in preparation for GCSE options in January.

the maths papers they are sitting now is a toned down version / a watered down version of the GCSE paper which seemed a bit harsh to me but apparently that's the way they doing it.

I get regular feedback if he's not making enough effort, and I see his report. why is this come to your attention only now? That's not good enough of school.

I don't agree with your husband's view.

I think you need to sit him down and talk about his general attitude. this is just not okay. Him not putting the effort is just not alright. talk to him find out what is going on , why is he behaving this way? in all his subjects across the board?

and say to him this has got to stop. Ask what help does he wants, say your'll monitor it. And if it doesn't pick up, immediately,there'll be punishments. : if No go out / have his phone taken - or whatever matters to him.

You need to attack this on all areas from a softly softly approach, talking to him, but also a harsh one, at the same time.

or that's my advice!!

catwoozle Tue 12-Dec-17 15:54:03

I think from the snippet you posted, OP, it's a lack of confidence in his abilities and self-esteem issue for your DS. If he engages and tries hard then he is worried that he might still be no good and fail. If he doesn't try and fails, then he can kid himself that it was down to not trying and he could have been good if he wanted to.

BougieQueen Tue 12-Dec-17 15:54:20

If your DS fails his exams and can't get a well paying job or struggle to get into college will your DH also blame the company for not giving his son a job? Does your DH intend that you both bankroll your DS forever? Education is definitely also a parental responsibility...I personally couldn't abide by that. .Get your DS to take responsibility for his own sake!

GeorgeTheHamster Tue 12-Dec-17 15:57:26

Ha ha ha.
Your husband'a a fool.

eggofmantumbi Tue 12-Dec-17 15:59:35

Your husband is the worst kind of parent!

Your support will be invaluable to teachers and could really make a difference. If teachers agree to also communicate the positives to you that really helps too

RestingGrinchFace Tue 12-Dec-17 16:00:40

Well I would expect, in an ideal world, that the school would do it-most if the time ifs child isn't engaging it's because the teacher is rubbish but if you are using state schools you can't really expect the school to do it-they don't have the resources. If your DH wants to completely outsource your son's education then he should pay for it (tutoring or whatever).

youarenotkiddingme Tue 12-Dec-17 16:05:09

Your husband is wrong to not want to work with the school.

But I don’t think you’re 100% correct in thinking it’s all DS fault without attempting to discuss the issues with him and get to the bottom of it.

My ds was exceeding expectations in one subject. He started new teacher this year and hated subject and disengaged more and more. If I’d have taken her word for everything without talking to ds and piled the pressure on him I’d have never got to the bottom of the actual problem.
Ds has now moved up a group - is back with teacher from last year - enjoying and engaging again.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar Tue 12-Dec-17 16:05:55

Your DH sounds like a halfwit. God love you.

Lovemusic33 Tue 12-Dec-17 16:07:10

My dd is in year 9, she was classed as G&T at the end of primary, scored high in her SATs. She’s finding year 9 hard, struggling to keep up with homework, has become very forgetful and struggling to reach the grades in some subjects. She had a maths test today and said it was so hard, she couldn’t remember doing half the stuff that was in the test. Her school report wasn’t as good but we are yet to have parents evening. I keep telling her she needs to put more effort in but her attitude has changed and she’s just concentrating on a couple subjects that she likes (English and ICT) and seems to giving up on everything else.

Blackteadrinker77 Tue 12-Dec-17 16:07:48

Why does it have to be a blame game?

DS is under achieving and the school are trying to you help you move his learning forward.

ApproachingATunnel Tue 12-Dec-17 16:10:35

Your DH is wrong. There is not enough time to attend to every single pupil’s needs at school. Lessons boring and not engaging- my arse. Such attitude from your dh just excuses and facilitates DS’s refusal to engage.
I’d be asking dh to stay completely out of it if he doesn’t want to get involved (as he doesnt by the look of it).

Julie8008 Tue 12-Dec-17 16:11:28

In a few years time DS will leave school and the teachers wont see or care about what happens to the rest of his life. For the next 70 years he will have to face the consequences of his lack of knowledge/education. If you DH is happy for your son to have a miserable life in a minimum wage job or a life on benefits then he has a point.

Otherwise you DH is an arse and he needs a wake up call so you can both sort your DS out and shove a rocket up his ass.

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