To not want MIL to stay over(245 Posts)
It’s another MIL and Christmas thread so I apologise. I want to say I generally get on well with MIL, we aren’t extremely close but I do enjoy spending time with her. However she can be very overbearing and likes to tell me how to raise my children. She also has a petty rivalry with my DM over the children and it isn’t all one sided as DM does participate in it too.
I’m having DM and her partner as well as DB and his partner over for Christmas. They will stay chrismtas eve and go home Boxing Day. It has been planned since last year as we stayed with PIL last year. MIL has recently been told this by DH and she’s flipped off. She said that she had wanted to come down to ours this year with FIL as we have just moved into our house and wants to spend the first Christmas there with us. DH told her that there was no way for her to come down as we have barely enough room for my family to stay anyway. He’s also said that we can spend Christmas with her next year. All was fine until she called him last night to ask if it would be ok for her to come down this weekend and stay until the 23rd then go home to be with FIL and SILs family. She expects DH to pick her up and drive 2 hours to do so. This will mean her being there for a week and we will have no time just as our family until after Christmas. She will also be there for two school days and I already know that she will be really overbearing. DH hasn’t agreed but hasn’t said no so I don’t know how to get around it.
DH is making me feel a bit bad for saying no but having my family over but I don’t think I’m being unreasonable just need outside perspective and advice on how to get around it.
If DH is going to do all the driving and all the entertaining (ie not fuck off to work and leave you with her overbearing all over you) then YABU.
If he is proposing that he fucks off to work and leaves you with her YANBU.
You're having your family over. It's his house too. If he's willing to do all the driving yabu.
Yanbu. Having someone to stay for a week before Christmas when you will also be really busy at Christmas time is too much! Why does she have to stay so long, can't it just be a night?
What will she do when you’re out at work?
No, you say no.
It was her turn last year and it's your family's turn this year.
You are really busy before Christmas and have no time to host.
You would much rather she come after Christmas when there will be time to enjoy one another's company and do some nice things with the kids.
Offer a long weekend before they go back to school and suggest panto, Christmas skating, something like that.
You must nip this - it was all fine last year when it was her turn and your family accepted that, now it's the other way around she's kicking off and buzzing round you inviting herself? Say a firm 'no' to that or she will do it every time it's not her turn.
Agree that it's his home too and she is his family so if he is prepared to host then yabu to stop her coming.
That said, a week is a long time, can't she just come for a few days.
You don’t have time to host anyone the week before Christmas...sorry!
And I would be really firm with your DH.
Totally out of order to guilt you. Make it damn clear that you expect MIL to be told no by HIM. The situation currently is a fair one - MIL's trying to make it so that it's not. Tell him - why do you want to facilitate your mother becoming known as the sulky tantrummy pushy one?
How about telling her "Sorry, not possible" but offering her a weekend (or whever's convenient) in Jan instead?
I’d say no, that’s too last minute and the week before Christmas is busy.
The only circumstances I’d agree to that are if DH took both school days off work and took her out for the day.
I’m on mat leave so will spend the day with 3dc and her whilst OH is at work. He’s willing to drive her to ours. We have some days planned with the kids before chrismtas too and I know she won’t enjoy it and will spend the day complaining. She doesn’t enjoy much stuff aimed for kids so I know she will prefer to go to Christmas markets which the kids will find boring. I understand it’s his house but he doesn’t necessarily want her to come over he just feels bad as it’s her mum. My family never came over last year although we stayed with MIL so I don’t understand why she gets special treatment. She won’t stay for any less days as she wants more time with the kids.
Wait a minute - she wants to come and stay for the whole week before Christmas as part of some oneupmanship contest with your own Mum even though it is your parents' "turn" this time - then she is kindly leaving you a few hours to prepare Christmas, wash the bedding ,cook and clean for your family Christmas? This sounds like madness
Tell your DH if he wants to do this he needs to
- book a week's leave to entertain her
- plan the menus
- do the shopping
- wash the bedding
as you will be doing all the pre-Christmas prep that had been agreed to and you don't need any extra work
if he pulls his weight then just sit back and ignore it - but make clear to him that he is doing the heavy lifting on this.
can you not deploy MIL's interference against her and get her to do a load of chores with the kids so you can sod off and do some shopping/get hair and nails done? eg picking up from school, taking somewhere nice etc etc. Get her to put her money where her mouth is and put some effort in with them!
you have them to yourself most of the rest of the year - let her manage them for a few days.
She just wants to get one over on your mother by being the first "Christmas" visitor I think.
I'd maybe compromise and suggest she comes for two nights and no more. But she leaves earlier than 23rd. Maybe the weekend before Xmas? Or New Years?
I really would be firm that there is no way you want anyone around up to the 23rd when you will be getting ready for Xmas and hosting your family.
We’ve had her over when Ds1 was just born and asked her to take dd to nursery whilst we sorted everything out and she threw a huge fit as she was the guest.
I might call her later and suggest coming over around new year.
She sounds a delight. Your DH takes the week off to entertain her or its not happening.
A week is also barmy.
Just compromise and say she can come for a few days but nothing more as you've too much on before Christmas. You'll have to get the beds ready and all that.
It doesn't matter if she doesn't want to stay for less time as she wants more time with the children, you're busy so it's a couple of days or nothing.
What MsHomeSlice said.
If DH isn't going to be around to help while you have (presumably) at least one infant with one or more school age children to entertain, plus the last minute prep for Christmas (which you are already hosting) then the least he can do is not invite anyone else. Especially one who will not muck in and will moan if you do anything other than what they want to do.
We have some days planned with the kids before chrismtas too and I know she won’t enjoy it and will spend the day complaining. She doesn’t enjoy much stuff aimed for kids so I know she will prefer to go to Christmas markets which the kids will find boring. I understand it’s his house but he doesn’t necessarily want her to come over he just feels bad as it’s her mum. My family never came over last year although we stayed with MIL so I don’t understand why she gets special treatment. She won’t stay for any less days as she wants more time with the kids.
You really need to tell him that he is actually taking far better care of his mum if he heads her off with this instead of indulging her. Because what she seems well on the way to doing is alienating you and also, soon, her grandchildren.
They've got things planned. How is it good for them to look forward to X, then get told actually plans are changing, Granny is coming so we'll be doing this exciting xmas market trip instead? Groan. Does Granny HAVE to come? etc. You too. You have the usual pre-Christmas frenzy and you want to get some nice time with your children. And then His Bloody Mother turns up...
Not even he wants her there.
She will sense it, you know. She'll know she's not really welcome. However - if your DH had the sense and the balls to say no, and then take the trouble to arrange something that plays to her strengths and doesn't allow her to land like a bomb when least wanted, it's likely he'd be able to smooth the path so his mother was thought of more warmly, in the longer term. But that would take effort and the guts to say 'Actually, not now - but we'll do this instead.'
Tell him that. And tell him the only way this plan is a yes is if he takes time off work, as nobody else wants her there and you are not prioritising taking her shopping over things the children already have planned.
Tell your dh to grow a pair and tell his Mum ‘No’. She isn’t doing this because she desperately wants to see your dc, it’s because she has spat the dummy that your dm is seeing them for Christmas. FFS.
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