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To have finally said something

(102 Posts)
Zoozee Mon 11-Dec-17 11:57:12

Hi there. I realise this isn't anything major in the grand scheme of things but I'm fed up and need a rant. I have two dd's age 15 and 11 with my Dh and putting it mildly I'm sick to death with my Sil's continuous comments about my youngest dd not being girly.

Basically, my dd is a beautiful young lady, lovely hair, fairly slim and very athletic. She isn't a girly girl at this point and in my opinion this is absolutely fine she is who she is. She is very particular about her clothes and despite the fact she looks great dressed up she is more comfortable wearing leggings over sized sweatshirts, joggers, sports tops etc and I don't see a problem with this. She is always clean her clothes are in good condition and are mostly brands that "fit in" with other kids these days.

What I'm fuming about is my Sil constantly making comments. She's said many times in front of my dd that she's a tom boy and should be playing with boys and that she should start wearing dresses and skirts. That in itself annoyed me but then she went on and on how my nieces (she has 3 dd's) are all wearing stuff from grown up shops and that they wouldn't be seen out wearing leggings and joggers.

Now what she lets her dd's wear is her decision. I personally feel the clothes are really inappropriate for their age ie really really short skirts, boob tunbe style tops, short dresses etc but that's just my opinion and would never dream of saying that to my Sil or my nieces.

Well last night my dd was talking to her cousin online and my neice asked my dd what she'd be wearing over xmas and I think my dd just said oh the usual and that she'd been shopping last week with me and her auntie (my sister). My neice then turned round and said oh so you're just going to turn up at my house in your scruffs like you always do and that she should be wearing something girly and make up. This really upset my dd and she came down all worked up asking what is wrong with what she wears. Well
I'd had enough. I decided to phone my Sil and have a word to ask her to tell me neice to not speak to my dd like that as she's really upset her. My Sil then said well I don't think she's in the wrong she was only speaking the truth. I lost it and said that my dd is 11 not 18 and if she wants to still be a child and not walk around in clothes that show off her backside and chest then that's up to her. Sil has then shouted at me telling me I'm being over sensitive and that she always wants her dd's to look pretty and obviously I don't care what my dd looks like. At that point I slammed the phone down as I really was about to say something I'd regret. I've never even so much as had a crossed word with my Sil before but she imo is completely out of order and my nice horrid. My neice is always having digs at my dd and it's not fair. They're now not speaking to me but my Dh agrees they are out of order. It's the last thing I need a fall out before Christmas but I couldn't sit back any longer and have my dd be the subject of ridicule. Aibu?

Tinselistacky Mon 11-Dec-17 11:59:40

Good for you!! Many many more should speak out to relatives criticising our dc!! Your dd is entitled to be herself without comment!!

Sanshin Mon 11-Dec-17 12:00:12

They are out of order and you were right to tell them so! If it helps, if I ever had a daughter I would hope she'd be like your DD and not your niece. Can't be doing with princesses.

Honeybooboo123 Mon 11-Dec-17 12:00:36

god no, I think you were very restrained.

Your DD is happy, comfortable and spending her time probably thinking about far more important things that what she is wearing. You should like you are raising a great DD.

SIL... well, I don't want to say what I think of her from the impression you are giving, but girls that age need not to feel pressure to worry about their looks.

WorraLiberty Mon 11-Dec-17 12:02:14

I'm pretty sure you know you're not BU.

However, I do think you need to practice your sighing and eye rolling more.

CaoNiMa Mon 11-Dec-17 12:02:27

SIL needs to pipe the F down basically.

Well done for sticking up for DD.

Zoozee Mon 11-Dec-17 12:02:44

For what it's worth my eldest dd is very girly and loves her bling and sparkle but by choice she doesn't go out with her backside and boobs on show like a lot of her friends do. I'm not being precious or over bearing about my dd wanting her to stay a little girl or anything like that. I've took her shopping for more girly things in the past but she isn't really interested and I'm not going to force her to wear something she isn't comfortable in.

Zoozee Mon 11-Dec-17 12:04:09

Yeah but I over think things and thought all morning was I bit over the top. But then this wasn't just a one off and she's always making comments. It was a long time coming I think.

ineedwine99 Mon 11-Dec-17 12:04:58

Well done for standing up to her! I dressed like that until i was about 16. no one ever said anything.

Zoozee Mon 11-Dec-17 12:05:44

I think my dd is doubting herself now which worries me because like you said she's still young and shouldn't be feeling the pressure to look like everyone else. My neice is always posing on snap chat with the duck lips tons of make up and stupid over done eye brows which doesn't help how my dd feels about how she should look.

Dustysparrow Mon 11-Dec-17 12:05:52

Good for you for sticking up for your daughter. I think her dress sense sounds great personally and your SIL is barking to have such an issue with it, let alone to instill that into her daughters as well. She must have a lot of time on her hands if she has nothing else to worry about. Seriously though, I don't blame you for being so angry; the way they have been having digs at your child - who is still so young - actually smacks of bullying. Comments like that to a child who is at such a sensitive age can be really damaging to their confidence. Your SIL needs to wind her neck in massively, it's not her business AT ALL what your daughter chooses to wear.

Tbh I would avoid them following this. They sound horrible, and obviously are making your DD doubt herself and feel like like there is something wrong with the way she looks, when there isn't! Limit contact.

RoseWhiteTips Mon 11-Dec-17 12:05:59

Your daughter’s style sounds perfectly normal to me. Lots of kids choose that look!

I would be more concerned if she was wearing the sort of ‘boob tube and pink glitter’ her cousins wear. Most normal people would consider that sort of clothing at best inappropriate and at worst a bit trashy.

Cantuccit Mon 11-Dec-17 12:06:40

Wow, clearly your SIL feels threatened by your DD being comfortable in her own skin.

I would avoid these people and if they approach you or DH, you/he need to be clear that they need to apologise for that they said and agree to not comment on DD's appearance negatively ever again.

DerelictWreck Mon 11-Dec-17 12:07:02

Thank god there parents like you in the world! You SiL is an arse and your DD with thank you i the future for letting her be a person, not a body.

Dustysparrow Mon 11-Dec-17 12:08:26

Also - I think it's great that your DD knows you've got her back. This will mean a lot to her (I didn't feel like that about my parents growing up so I know how important it is).

Zoozee Mon 11-Dec-17 12:08:47

Yeah what she lets them wear is at best inappropriate. I wouldn't usually comment but after all what my dd has had to put up with I had to say something.

Clandestino Mon 11-Dec-17 12:09:23

Well done for sticking up for your DD.
Your SIL is a bitch and she obviously did her best to transfer that bitchiness onto her own daughter.

Zoozee Mon 11-Dec-17 12:10:48

Well I'm definitely not apologising to her for what I said. I know that is childish but I haven't specifically target my nieces like she did my dd so she can apologise. We are all together over Christmas and I don't want an awkward atmosphere but she needs to realise how out order she has been.

Zoozee Mon 11-Dec-17 12:12:50

Out of the three girls my youngest Dn is nightmare. She speaks to my Sil and her husband like crap, is cheeky when she comes to visit and is the most ungrateful child. Don't get me wrong I do love her, she's family, but she is a righ madam. My Sil can't see it though and lets her get away with murder.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Mon 11-Dec-17 12:14:52

Cantuccit's comment about your daughter being comfortable in her own skin has really resonated with me - and probably with your SIL too but in a negative way.

Some women cannot stand to see other women who are confident and comfortable with themselves. Said women are not happy unless they can pick apart what other women look like - and you only have to look at certain threads here to see that. Said women are pitiable and sad creatures.

Well done for standing up for your daughter. Don't apologise or be ashamed of what you said to your SIL. It was a long time coming and you may even need to say it again in which case, go harder and shut her down about your daughters' appearances once and for all.

To your daughter... "You Go, Girl!" grin

AsMenDclaredWomenTheirInferior Mon 11-Dec-17 12:15:27

They want your daughter to comply to being a sexy little thing, but not to make your daughter feel better but themselves and if you are not with them on it, you are automatically seen as against them.
They are brainwashed and want to know why you and your daughter aren't?

CorbynsBumFlannel Mon 11-Dec-17 12:15:50

I would have let my dd deal with it tbh. She wears similar stuff to your dd and if relatives were being rude to her about it she’d tell them straight.

BackBoiler Mon 11-Dec-17 12:17:07

Who wears boob tubes these days? Its too cold for it anyway.

Nothing wrong with leggings and a comfy sweater!

Fanciedachange17 Mon 11-Dec-17 12:18:31

Well done you. Lovely for your DD to know her Mum will stand up to bullies for her and also that individuality is a great thing. Plenty of time for the ugly duck pouts and slug eyebrows if she wants to go down that experimental route later on but hopefully with a Mum like you she will always feel able to be comfortable with herself and not following the baa-ing sheep.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff Mon 11-Dec-17 12:20:28

You are absolutely NOT BU. Well done for sticking up for your lovely DD Not of SIL's business or her DD's business how they dress. and as for accusing you of not caring she can get stuffed. Your DD does not need that kind of patronizing put down and blather at a sensitive age. Actually none of this is even about dressing, its about personal criticism and not behaving nicely to a younger member of the family. Stick to your guns.

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