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...To be upset at best friend's behaviour after guessing I'm pregnant?

(85 Posts)
AbigailLovesCheese Sun 10-Dec-17 21:57:22

Hello,

I've lurked on many a thread over the past week since finding out I'm expecting my first child - at just six weeks gone it's both thrilling and terrifying, and I also feel quite vulnerable - but the events of Saturday have prompted me to ask MN ladies their advice.

As mentioned i'm 6 weeks PG. Both DH and I are thrilled but man alive it's happened A LOT quicker than we anticipated (we got married 5 weeks ago...ahem) and with it being such early days (I see the doctor this week) we've only told a select couple of friends. We're waiting to see immediate family at Christmas to tell them.

It was one of my best friend's birthdays on Saturday. We were each others' bridesmaids this year, I've known her for 20 years - she's as close to a sister as I have. And, as siblings do, she's upset and angered me.

I chose not to tell said friend because:

a) I wanted to tell her face-to-face

but b) not on her birthday (her birthdays are sacred. When I couldn't go to her 30th she didn't speak to me for a month) - esp with others I don't know that well there

and c) she has recently been very upset by the news she will have to wait 6 months after coming back from honeymoon to try to conceive as she is going to a country affected by Zika. She was angry with the doctor when they told her, and I felt giving her some time to make her peace with this might be the best course of action rather than springing this on her.

For her birthday we went to a v fancy restaurant. As sad as it sounds, the biggest struggle for me is the not-drinking being a giveaway (I've never been one to say no to a drink).

However, other people were driving to this lunch, one girl was feeling poorly, it's December and some people are already partied-out - I felt confident I'd be able to hide it. I ordered a glass of champagne as a foil, and took about 3 sips. No one seemed to notice or care.

Then the cheese came. I asked the waitress as quietly as I could while everyone was talking if the cheese was pasteurised.

My friend heard.

She exclaimed my name and just stared at me. I just chose my cheese and carried on with the conversation. She then went really, really quiet. She would not look at me when I spoke - even when directly to her - but when I wasn't speaking she would stare at me.

I felt very uncomfortable, very conspicuous and very foolish.

No one else seemed to have clocked.

Then after lunch we moved into the bar area for coffee/tea. As we were walking through, she said in earshot of 2 others in an accusatory tone, "Are you pregnant?" I sort of laughed it off and walked off (I don't want to lie, but nor do I want to be pressured into telling someone - esp if they're acting like I've done something wrong, which is genuinely the impression I got.

She was off with me for the rest of the afternoon.

AIBU for a) being angry that she would ask me in front of people I'm not close to?
for b) being annoyed at her for making me worry that I've somehow upset her?
for c) being angry that she didn't just take me aside to ask nicely if she really really wanted to know?
for d) being angry that she made it feel really negative awkward?

This is my first pregnancy and it's such early days. Perhaps I am being overly sensitive but her behaviour has genuinely taken the sheen off this pregnancy.

I wonder if anyone's been in a similar position and has any advice?

Do I call/email her and tell her? Do I wait for her to get in touch? Do I carry on as normal?

MyfatheristheKing Sun 10-Dec-17 22:01:40

She doesn’t sound like much of a friend

NoelNiki Sun 10-Dec-17 22:02:16

I dont understand why you're friends with her at all.

She sounds like a self absorbed spoilt brat.

No I wouldn't contact her at all.

She is rude and upsets you and you are pondering placating her? What on earth for.

talulahbelle Sun 10-Dec-17 22:04:03

Carry on as normal. I’d have lied and told her I was TTC, and following all the pregnancy guidelines just in case. It can’t be that much of a surprise to her if you are though.

Metronidazole is the AB you can’t drink on too, if you need an excuse. Often used for dental issues.

Good luck with your pregnancy.

Dinosauratemydaffodils Sun 10-Dec-17 22:06:56

Have to agree with everyone else, she doesn't sound very nice.

The fact that she picked a country with zika to go on her honeymoon is not your fault...

Sunnysidegold Sun 10-Dec-17 22:13:57

I had a similar thing happen to me but I was ready for It! I replied with something along the lines of, if I was pregnant and in a position where I was ready to tell people I would be telling her as soon as. It was a bit cryptic but it shut one friend up. One other wouldn't give up and kept buying me drinks and glad me to drink them.we are no longer friends (not just because of that though).

toriatoriatoria Sun 10-Dec-17 22:16:02

She sounds rather self centred, I wouldn't go chasing after her.

santasbeardlookslikeicecream Sun 10-Dec-17 22:22:00

Bloody hell, she sounds like a right piece of work. As soon as you said that her birthdays were sacred and she gave you the silent treatment for a whole month, I though wow, she sounds like a complete twat.

She is clearly one of these types who is so pumped up by her own self importance and is totally self absorbed.

Not the kind of person I would chose to be friends with, but hey, each to their own.....

BougieQueen Sun 10-Dec-17 22:23:15

She sounds like hard work! I wouldn't tell about my preganancy until at least 12 weeks gone in case of miscarrage risk.

I was 5 weeks preganant just after wedding too but miscarried so I'm glad I didn't tell my best friend only hubby knew.

TheQueenOfWands Sun 10-Dec-17 22:24:43

She's not your friend.

Friends don't ghost each other for a month.

Butterymuffin Sun 10-Dec-17 22:27:59

This tells you what you need to know about your friend:

she is going to a country affected by Zika. She was angry with the doctor when they told her

Angry with the doctor, who is blameless. She gets angry with anyone who does things that don't fit with her personal preferences. Very self centred. I would leave her to her childish sulking. You, like the doctor, have done nothing wrong.

HermionesRightHook Sun 10-Dec-17 22:28:30

It is beyond rude to put someone in a position where they have to reveal a pregnancy and they don't want to. It's just appalling behaviour - anything could be going on with the person, and if they wanted you to know they'd tell you. As in fact you were intending to, as soon as you wanted her to know!

So the only person who's been wronged in this situation is you: so you can do as you like it about it. You're not being unreasonable at all - I would be quietly fuming with her for as long as you need to be, and carry on as you were intending to and tell her properly on your timetable.

And if you wanted to pull away completely after this really self-centred behaviour, I wouldn't blame you. You tried to behave in a way so as to spare her feelings and she wouldn't let you, this is on her.

Agerbilatemycardigan Sun 10-Dec-17 22:29:10

She sounds like a narcissistic nightmare.

Twoo Sun 10-Dec-17 22:29:29

Congratulations! Give her the big heave hoe and concentrate on your happy circumstances. Share your news only when it suits you too.

Aeroflotgirl Sun 10-Dec-17 22:30:40

She does not sound like a very nice.

isadorable Sun 10-Dec-17 22:30:59

Congratulations on your pregnancy. Don't let her take the shine off it. She sounds like hard work. I'd leave her to it.

KERALA1 Sun 10-Dec-17 22:31:44

She sounds monstrous. Find a better friend.

Join nct and meet some new people maybe?

MarmiteandToast Sun 10-Dec-17 22:32:18

Congratulations!

Sorry this has happened OP, PPs are right, she really doesn't sound like much of a friend and extremely self centred

If she wants she can get her DH tested for Zika privately btw. We did, but it was our choice to go on hols where we did and certainly not doctor's fault, or your's!

You'll need supportive people around you during pregnancy so sorry to hear this happened - but congrats again!

Heregoeseverything Sun 10-Dec-17 22:33:02

YANBU.

Slightly different situation, but when I was only 5 weeks (and telling nobody), my friend's boyfriend asked me straight out in a room full of people whether I was pregnant, and kept at it all night, "You're pregnant! I know you are!"

It's such a dickish thing to do. People keep quiet about pregnancies at the start for good reason. I frequently suspect that friends are pregnant because of eg not drinking but I would never jump on them like this. You don't owe her the information and nor have you done anything wrong.

AbsentmindedWoman Sun 10-Dec-17 22:35:09

She sounds like a nightmare. Where is the friendship? No wonder you feel vulnerable, if you're around people like her.

She's angry at you for being pregnant and angry at the doctor for advising her about zika hmm she is hard work, OP.

user1471439727 Sun 10-Dec-17 22:35:57

I truly can't abide people like that. She has a lot of growing up to do before she becomes pregnant herself.

Sandsnake Sun 10-Dec-17 22:36:53

Congratulations on the pregnancy!

Much like everyone else has said - she doesn't sound particularly nice and the way she treated you was very unfair. When you have your baby you might find your tolerance for bad / childish behaviour in others decreases and the friendship may therefore come to a natural end.

Iloveacurry Sun 10-Dec-17 22:39:07

Firstly congratulations!

Secondly she sounds very self centred. Does she expect all her friends not to get pregnant because she can’t for 6 months?!

If I was you I’d just leave it, let her sulk. She can contact you.

vwlphb Sun 10-Dec-17 22:39:16

The good news is that once the baby is here, you'll no longer have the time, energy or inclination to indulge this narcissistic cry-baby, so this is the last time you'll have to deal with her drama.

Your friendship will probably either implode when she gets the pip about no longer being the centre of everyone's universe and flounces melodramatically, or you'll just stop bothering to stay in touch with each other cause it feels like way too much hard work on both sides.

However, you'll be surprised and delighted by the new friendships you'll develop with other mums instead; people who will actually understand how you're feeling without having to be told, will chip in when the chips are down, and who won't need their egos stroked constantly.

Grammarist Sun 10-Dec-17 22:39:54

Firstly - many, many congratulations!!!

Secondly - I'm speaking from huge experience here. She sounds like s massively self-centred bitch and I'd be keeping my distance.

I had a 'friend' like that. She was horrendous when I was pregnant and made it all about her.

Steer clear and thoroughly enjoy your pregnancy and baby xxxxx

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