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I have to throw my son out

(198 Posts)

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GuiltyandHeartbrokenmum Sat 09-Dec-17 23:12:59

My son is 22 and is on the Autistic spectrum (Aspergers).

He has become unbearable during the last six months. The things he has done to me and my house are too many to mention. The police have been involved on some occasions.

I've been trying to get him help but he refuses to engage with anyone and now that includes me.

His room is literally now a landfill site and he refuses to clean it up either by himself or with help from me.

I have given him a written list of the conditions he has to abide by in order to remain in the house, but he ignores them.

I can't take it anymore and have told him he needs to leave. My sister will let him stay on her sofa or he can take a train to his dad. He's on the council housing list with priority status so if I throw him out he'll be put up in a night hostel. However, he's fixated on finding private accommodation which he won't be able to afford or maintain.

I am at the end of my tether with him and now I've just walked past his bedroom and there are now small flies coming from his room which I think are fruit flies breeding in the spilt and trodden in food and drink. And to think that I spent good money decorating and carpeting his room just a few months ago when he was at his dad's.

I love my son, and want to help him but I can't help someone who won't accept help. I have contacted Adult Social Care, his doctor, Mental Heath Services, carers services and many, many other organisations over the months. But if he refuses to engage with them what can I do?

I think now that he has to leave for the sake off my sanity and health as well as his. I'm hoping that if he is thrown out that it will be a wake up call to him that he has to accept help, if not from me then from others. He won't go willingly so I will have to lock him out. I don't want to have to call the police to remove him.

I've been told that I would be doing the right thing for him and me, but the guilt is so huge. Please tell me you agree with them.

SadTrombone Sat 09-Dec-17 23:15:11

Didnt want to read and run. You've obviously got his best interests at heart and have tried everything you can. It's not like you're leaving him with nowhere else to go.
In my (not expert by a long stretch!) opinion you're doing the right thing.

Battleax Sat 09-Dec-17 23:16:58

He must have cooperated to some extent to be on the housing list. What's got worse since then? Does he have a social worker assigned?

flowers It sounds so difficult. You must be beyond stressed.

theworldgonemad Sat 09-Dec-17 23:17:03

Didn't want to read and run, what a difficult situation. It's not something I've got experience in, but I would take the advice of the adult social services and the doctor. If they say it would be better for him to move out and gain that independence / however hard it may be - then go with it.

It must be so hard for you, you have my sympathies, it sounds like you are doing everything you can and that you do have his best interests at heart.

Katinkka Sat 09-Dec-17 23:18:42

I get it. I have 2with Aspergers too and it’s so hard. I’ve phoned social services in tears many times and they do fuck all. Same with drs. What is there to do? I get 3 hours respite a week. Big whoop.

just5morepeas Sat 09-Dec-17 23:19:35

You're doing the right thing imo.

If he leaves it will hopefully force him into getting help. Is his dad as proactive in helping him/trying to get him help as you are? It might do them both good to spend some time together.

I'd go ahead with your plan, making it clear you're still always available to help him access the help he needs.

Awwlookatmybabyspider Sat 09-Dec-17 23:20:50

(((((((((()))))))). I'm with Trombone. However am not or do not profess to be an expert. One thing I do know though. You're a mum you're not a miracle worker.
You can only ever do your best. Which it seems you have been doing. No one ever expects more than than that.

Julie8008 Sat 09-Dec-17 23:21:34

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

elephantoverthehill Sat 09-Dec-17 23:22:03

flowers Op. It is very difficult but you are coming to the realisation that your DS living at home is not working for you or for him. I think you are doing the right thingish and I think your relationship will strengthen if there is more distance between you both. You sound as if there are plans in place.

Weedsnseeds1 Sat 09-Dec-17 23:22:53

I think you are right. He has his mental health problems, but he's refusing to address them
There's only so much you can do with no cooperation or input from him.
It's an awful situation, but where are you going to be in 5 or 10 years if you don't take a stand?

Awwlookatmybabyspider Sat 09-Dec-17 23:23:32

Not helpful Julie. I think by her username op feels guilty enough. There's only so much any human being can take.

ghostyslovesheets Sat 09-Dec-17 23:25:58

Julie your post is unhelpful and unkind

OP have you got adult social care involved - maybe a better option would be supported living for him?

elephantoverthehill Sat 09-Dec-17 23:25:59

Sorry Julie I don't understand why the Op made this choice 22 years ago

StealthPolarBear Sat 09-Dec-17 23:28:47

Yes what did she choose?

wanderlust99 Sat 09-Dec-17 23:30:25

So difficult OP, I really sympathize, but as a parent with a child with ASD (high functioning) I could not do this. My DC could not get a train alone though so perhaps is further along the spectrum than your ds.
Could you send him to your sister's for the day and gut his room? If there are fruit flies in there for health/safety something needs to be done ASAP.

Battleax Sat 09-Dec-17 23:31:20

Message deleted by MNHQ because it repeats a deleted post.

expatinscotland Sat 09-Dec-17 23:32:13

Gosh, I don't know anyone who signed up for that, Julie. You're doing the right thing, OP.

himynameiss Sat 09-Dec-17 23:32:33

@Julie8008
That is completely uncalled for.

DivisionBelle Sat 09-Dec-17 23:34:02

You and he should be getting a lot more help, OP. sad angry

You can't do more than you can do.

So hard. I send my sympathy.

expatinscotland Sat 09-Dec-17 23:35:08

You can't live like this and shouldn't have to. My son is the same but young right now.

DivisionBelle Sat 09-Dec-17 23:35:59

Wanderlust: this hasn't arisen because of the fruit flies. The situation sounds quite extreme:

"The police have been involved on some occasions."

expatinscotland Sat 09-Dec-17 23:37:19

"The police have been involved on some occasions."

I can totally see that. DS can become very violent sometimes. And he's already promising to be very tall and big.

Battleax Sat 09-Dec-17 23:37:56

Won't any of the services step in and try to engage him directly if they know that he's at immediate risk f homelessness? They must appreciate that forcing you into this position where you have to do something sudden and traumatic is not ideal (understatement) for an aspie?

GlitterGlassEye Sat 09-Dec-17 23:38:32

Julie what choice would that be then?hmm

Awwlookatmybabyspider Sat 09-Dec-17 23:38:50

No one signs up to have a child with autism Julie. When You get pregnant you automatically assume yet at the same pray that everything will be okay. However when it's not you do the best you know how.

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