To not buy my sister a Christmas present?

[Sanshin]

She's 23 and I'm 13 years older than her. She's treated like a small child by my mum and her father (not my dad) and has basically been spoilt rotten since the day she was born. She moved out of their place last year into a small flat but doesn't work. She's been trying to find work for a whole year but has walked out of one job, been finished by another job (for crying constantly) and been "let go" by 2 other jobs. She will not listen to advice and my mum is OBSESSED with her to the point that she is all she talks about.

Up until recently I have bought her presents for birthdays and Christmas but have never even received a card off her - my mum still adds her name to the bottom of her cards 🤔

Anyway I mentioned after last Christmas that I am no longer buying for adults. My mum agreed but evidently didn't realise that this also meant my sister. So when it came to her birthday I sent a card (as we do for DHs sister). Next minute my mum is fuming with me for not buying her a present or giving her any money!! It was my birthday the week before and I didn't even get a card off her!!! Another family member pointed this out to my mum who said "but she's her sister!!!". Family member said "yes but it works both ways! Sanshin is HER sister!" And my mum just wasn't having any of it. She didn't approach me directly but slagged me off to anyone that would listen at the time.

So for Christmas, I'm sending a card and no more. This will go down like a lead balloon and will probably cause a row but AIBU??? I've already said I'm not buying for adults now (other than parents) and sister IS an adult, whether my mum can grasp that fact or not surely?

[Trb17]

YANBU at all. I’d do exactly same and if a row erupts then it’s other people’s warped issues, not yours.

[RavingRoo]

Are you 100 per cent positive that it’s not your sister who picks out your kids’ presents, or the stuff your mum gives to you? My sister had a similar tiff about my brother and didn’t realise that he actually did the running around for her and her kids presents, and just gave my parents credit for it. If you are positive she doesn’t do this then fair enough.

[MumW]

Sounds perfectly reasonable to me.

[jay55]

Yanbu but it will cause a row and your mum will gossip about you again. If you’re okay with that then it’s fine.

[IAmALionTamer]

YANBU.At all.
I know that you don’t give to receive but the lack of a card from her to you is just rude and frankly I don’t buy presents for rude people.
Did she acknowledge your birthday in anyway? Text or something?

[M00nUnit]

YANBU. She's a 23 year old woman not a little kid and if she's never bought you a present why on earth should you buy her one. I think not giving Christmas presents to adults is quite sensible really. Otherwise people can end up with far too much stuff they don't want/need. It's such a waste. The adults in my family just do secret Santa at Christmas now as all the gift-giving to everyone was getting way too much.

[Sanshin]

It certainly isn't her that picks out presents or does any running around. She doesn't leave her flat unless my mum and her husband are picking her up and ferrying her somewhere. She does NOTHING for nobody. And no she doesn't acknowledge my birthday at all, no text or anything.

[ButchyRestingFace]

So for Christmas, I'm sending a card and no more. This will go down like a lead balloon and will probably cause a row but AIBU???

It can only cause a row if you pick up the phone.

Does your sister have MH issues? I ask because

been finished by another job (for crying constantly)

doesn't sound like normal behaviour by anyone's reckoning.

[RoseWhiteTips]

YANBU

[LineysRunner]

She sounds like she's got massive issues and problems tbh.

Do you ever talk to her 1 to 1? She needs help.

The presents are a red herring here. (Though YANBU.)

How do you know such much about her life going tits up - from your mum? The same mum who's responsible for enabling it all? What's her stake in this, frankly, dysfunctional game? What your mum's husband's role?

[SingingSeuss]

YANBU but you need to have this conversation directly with her, not via your mum. That in itself is treating her like a child. Just call her up and say, let's agree to not get each other presents from now on. That way it's an agreement between the two of you and nothing to do with your mum.

[pandarific]

NOPE, you ANBU.

Not your sister's fault she's been ruined by your mum and stepdad to the point of learned helplessness/incompetence. BUT, also not your responsibility to engage with the unhealthy dynamic.

Be prepared for your mum to go batshit at you about it though. She won't like DSIS's issues being pointed out, either directly or indirectly. Disengage and is my advice.

[Sanshin]

No mental health problems, she's just been ridiculously babied all her life. My mum was still helping her get dressed at 16 years old. She's a loner, never had a boyfriend, doesn't have any friends, never goes out, never socialises unless it's with my mum. I feel sorry for her to an extent but she's not a nice person in all honesty, she's horrible to my grandma, will literally sit in the car outside her house while my mum goes in to visit as she can't be arse'd to go in. She's constantly slagging people off, constantly bitter about other people's achievements, never happy for anyone else and won't put herself out for anyone. Recently my mum was without a washing machine so my sister apparently "kindly let her use hers" - what my mum failed to mention was that she had to pay her £10 a time to use it AND had to wash my sisters clothes for her at the same time. So obviously my sympathy only stretches so far. She cries constantly because she's used to being treated like a baby and when that doesn't happen in the work place she can't handle it.

[LineysRunner]

But how do you know all this?

[Sanshin]

Half of it from my mum, half of it from other family members. I barely speak to my sister as she doesn't answer her phone, won't give me her mobile number and instead insists that I email her if I need to contact her. Batshit crazy, the lot of em.

[Passthecake30]

I'd just get a box of choc/small smellies set to keep the peace.

[LemonysSnicket]

OP with everything you’ve said about her, even keeping in mind the babying, she sounds like she has MH problems ( even if you say she doesn’t).
Having no friends, crying, never socialising, being nasty, being resentful - sounds depressed to me or minimum like your mums done a number on her and she is incapable of adult life.

But I wouldn’t buy her a gift, you said no adults.

[LineysRunner]

They are, OP, they are. Massive sympathies from a fellow Addams Family member

I ended up refusing to discuss other family members with family members. That was ... interesting. Lots of stampy feet.

But adults get to make choices.

[GreenTulips]

Just send the card - then explain again to your mum that she's an adult and you aren't niiimg gifts for adults - you do not need to excuse or justify your actions

I'm not buying for adults - repeat

[Groovee]

I would stand your ground!

[Sanshin]

She's been like this since she was a toddler. Suspected aspergers but never diagnosed despite me pushing for it. My mum and stepdad have just continued to enable her behaviour throughout her life and now that's she having to mix with normal people she's finding she can't function. But aspergers or not, she should realise that people won't continue to buy her presents if she can't even be arsed to send them a card! My stepson has mid functioning autism and he knows it's a two way street. He bought me a lovely candle and socks last year. She got me sweet FA.

[pandarific]

sounds depressed to me or minimum like your mums done a number on her and she is incapable of adult life

Agreed - but unfortunately unless op's sister is self-aware enough to realise a) it's her with the problems, not the rest of the world and b) chooses to seek or at least be open to receiving professional help, it will not change. It's sad, my sis is exactly the same - best thing you can do is draw your boundaries (like the gift) and stick to them. No pandering.

op, it's shit.

[Roussette]

She never even sends a birthday text to you? Sod that for a game of soldiers, stand firm and don't buy her a present!

Does your DM not realise what a disservice she is doing her by babying her like this?

What she doesn't realise is... she has a valuable source of knowledge, friendship and help i.e. YOU. If she can't be arsed to even try, nor should you

[Roussette]

When I say 'she' in the last sentence, I mean your DSis.

[hevonbu]

She obviously has some problems of her own to struggle with. In any case it's not a competition between you two (or shouldn't be). Your family has pampered her to an extent so she hasn't been able to grow up. She seems more like twelve than twenty-thee. Not buying anything seems a bit demonstrative, so why not buy a symbolic gift, like a paper back book or something for the kitchen.