Don't know how to word this wedding news

[Adnerb95]

DS is marrying a foreign national (let's say, "Brazilian" as I don't want this to be outing)in February in her home country, having done the "legal bit" - I.e. Registry office - here in U.K. a week or so ago.

The original plan was for them to have the Registry office marriage here first ( it helps with speeding up the married visa and therefore the ability to work). Then the wedding proper in her home country, as none of her family and friends would have been able to come to UK - they don't even have passports!

Although we did in fact initially message family and friends in the U.K. Indicating that there would be a big party here immediately following DS and DIL's return to the UK to live. We planned a video of selected highlights from Brazil and all the usual reception stuff - a meal, drink, music, dancing and even a best man's speech.

This meant that we ended up with 3 "weddings" but couldn't find any way round this, without either Uk contingent or Brazilian contingent being left out. We asked a lot of friends and family to Brazil, but understandably only a handful could make it for a variety of reasons.

We kept the registry office bit v low-key as it was all organised a bit last minute. This is mainly due to visa complications and requirements.

Now, we have been hit with quite a few extra expenses - weddings in Brazil considerably more expensive than anticipated, especially as we and DS are covering ALL the expense. Also, the married visa is costing more than originally costed as the Home office apparently inundated at the moment and therefore we have to pay for fast track service.

As a result - and we are all really disappointed about this - we simply cannot afford to do anything here in the U.K. The question is what do we do about a present list - we obviously do not expect those making the trip to Brazil to give anything at all, as they already have paid out a lot to attend. But family and friends in the U.K. have had an invite, but are now not able to be part of an actual event but several have asked about a list!

This is really awkward ...

Also, DS and new DIL have been through a really rough few years, have virtually none of the "first home" stuff, have v little cash, so could really benefit from any gifts.

We really don't want to be grabby, but really not sure how to approach this. Any creative ideas welcome!!

[Wolfiefan]

So you're not inviting any of them to any kind of celebration or party yet you expect them to send gifts. Wow.
Troll or CF?

[AnathemaPulsifer]

You message everyone to say you're not going ahead with an actual celebration in the UK due to these additional expenses, and you're sorry to let them all down. You absolutely do not offer even the slightest hint that gifts should still be forthcoming, even though you may desperately and completely secretly hope.

[AnathemaPulsifer]

And I pray for your sake that by 'creative ideas' you don't mean some form of grabby poem or wording.

[MotherCupboard]

You tell them the event they've been invited to is cancelled so don't worry about a gift. Why do you even need to ask?

[Mxyzptlk]

Anathema is right.
If I received that notification, I'd still give a gift. I'd feel a lot less like giving one, if I was asked for it.

[condepetie]

Russia?

Should have done the party after the UK registry office wedding. Stop acting like you were forced to have 3 weddings. Also it's your son and his wife's wedding, not yours. No one should give presents in this situation.

[MyKingdomForBrie]

Jesus.. you’re NBU to cancel the party but you strongly repudiate any suggestion of gifts! If people want to send your DS and DDIL anything they will likely send a cheque, but please god don’t have a wedding list for a wedding you didn’t hold..

[Adnerb95]

It's not right to say no invite has been issued as they were all invited to Brazil, but you may all be right. We just have to let them know it's not happening and leave it with them ... I'm reluctant to do any more than this - hence my post on here, to get soundings - but as in my OP, we have been asked by the few who already know that the UK bit is not happening, if we are still doing a list.

Definitely no cringey poems here!!

[Dontknowwherethelineis]

Mcyzptlk is right. Dh and I got married with four guests and it didn't occur to either of us for a second that our non-invited friends would give us presents. To our astonishment pretty much everyone did and it was both hugely moving and embarrassing as we felt like cf even accepting the gifts. That you want to ask for presents from non-wedding-attendees is astounding and would make me not want to gift, even if I would otherwise have.

[Adnerb95]

As for "stop pretending you were forced to have 3 weddings" until you know someone who has gone through the whole process of marrying a foreign national, you have no clue how problematic and difficult it is.

They need to be legally married in U.K. But no family or friends could be there from Brazil. She is already leaving her country of birth to be with DS - I think she deserves a wedding, not just a registry office ceremony in a foreign country.

[Adnerb95]

Don't know - I don't want to ask for presents - that's my dilemma. I've been asked for a list!

[HeddaGarbled]

You let people know that the third event won't be going ahead (with profuse apologies and some sort of explanation). If anyone then replies and says that they would still like to buy the couple a gift (and I bet a few do, because some people are just very generous), then it would be acceptable to send them a gift list, but absolutely only to people who ask.

[Mumof56]

Sorry folks there is no bash,
Just go ahead and send the cash,
We've had 2 parties,
but not for you,
Send on the cash, for our wedding do.

send cash

[Viviennemary]

Just say that there won't be a party now as you won't be able to afford one. Some people will still want to give presents. And if they ask what the couple want then they can make suggestions. What you can't do is send out a note saying well there's no party but donate here or give a list.

[Dontknowwherethelineis]

Cross-post with your latest update. In response to the queries I would tell them firmly the couple absolutely do not expect presents and leave it at that. Those who were asking out of sense of duty will leave it there and those who really want to offer something will probably write a cheque or send champagne - that's what happened with us.
I can sort of understand that you want to direct any potential presents that will be gifted anyway in the direction of something they would really like, but it's just bad form isn't it? !

[Viviennemary]

@ Mumof56

[tiptopteepe]

let them clearly know that there is going to be no UK event for them to attend and as such you do not expect any gifts but I think that it would be okay to say that they could send a token if they wanted to because they were close family or something? Also is it some of the people who travelled to Brazil who are asking for a gift list? If so id just give them one but make it clear you very much wont be offended if they do not give a gift because you understand how much it would have cost to get to Brazil. I think best to just keep it informal and honest.
When I got married several people who did not attend sent gifts. I think if you are close family then you may want to send a gift when someone has just been married regardless of whether you actually attended the ceremony. I dont think gifts are like a payment for your attending a wedding... I think for some people they are actually expressions of good wishes towards a newly married couple. Not everyone is mercenary and some people esp close family might just want to give a nice gift. I know i would in this circumstance.

[StarWarsFanatic]

I would wait and hold a big party when you can afford it, not necessarily a posh do but a nice buffet type thing in a local church hall, scouts hut or something. Definitely wouldn't ask for gifts though. Just explain that you were disappointed at not being able to host a wedding party in the UK due to unforeseen circumstances but in x months you will be holding a party to celebrate the union so that all of their UK friends may be involved. You can do a really nice day on a budget if you give yourself time and are prepared to do everything yourselves. We were given gifts at my sister's wedding the year after ours from people who hadn't been able to attend our wedding (very last minute) that we didn't expect. Provided the bride and groom are agreeable of course.

[PomBearWithAnOFRS]

"Dear XXX,
DS and Wife were married in Brazil with her family around them, following their civil ceremony here in England.
Due to various unexpected circumstances they will not be able to host a celebration here as planned, but hope to do so in the future."
Then just leave it at that but if the recipient sent a card or anything add "thank you so much for your good wishes, they were much appreciated".

[Unemfuckingployable]

Couldn’t you have some sort of celebration here, say in a pub function room where people buy their own drinks? You can make it clear that in the circumstances you’re not expecting gifts but it at least enables friends and family to be part of the happy occasion.

[tiptopteepe]

Maybe send the close family members and friends an email that outlines what has happened and say that you dont expects gifts from anyone in these circumstances however if anyone is particularly set on giving a gift anyway then you have attached a list. Keep the list reasonably priced.
I think then you let people off the hook who were just asking out of obligation but you also provide something for people who do actually really want to send a gift to help the couple. Im sure some of your sons friends and some close family might want to.

[pangolina]

Notify them of the cancellation, apologise, and if asked about gifts, say there is no list as there is no uk celebration. If anyone wants to send something they will.

[Voice0fReason]

I don't think this is even your issue to worry about.
If they want a wedding with a party and guests and presents, that's up to them to sort out.
If people don't get an invite then there are no presents.

[StarWarsFanatic]

Sorry x post with last update. If you are asked for a list make specific suggestions (based on the B&G's wishes) to anyone who asks. Ask them to give you a list of what they need and you can suggest a different item to different people e.g. toaster, microwave, etc. I wouldn't bother "registering" but maybe say they have red dishes or a stainless steel kettle.