I could use some perspective on a tricky family situation. Who is BU: me, my dad, or my sister?
My sister is 35. She has a career, but is single and has no real friends. I suspect she has a touch of Aspergers, and anxiety: she has always struggled with relationships and can be quite moody. I love her, but she is very intense and can be exhausting to be around for long periods of time. I have always felt somewhat responsible for her because even though she struggles with friendships, etc., she is lonely.
She was always close to our dad growing up. But when our mum died 10 years ago and Dad began dating soon after, my sister was unable to deal with losing Mum and the advent of Dad's new girlfriend. Then she found out that Dad had cheated on Mum during their marriage (!). My sister was so upset. She distanced herself from our Dad, who honestly didn't make any attempt to reach out to her. But again, my sister is very intense, and she took Mum's death hard. I think my Dad was unable to cope with the double trauma of losing Mum suddenly AND with sister's extreme emotions, so he was not in any kind of shape to support her (he needed support himself). In any case, Dad remarried VERY quickly, and my sister has not spoken to him since then (ten years!).
My sister is struggling now. I think she is also depressed. I think I am the only person with whom she is close/can talk, and she is still so upset about losing her relationship with our Dad. Dad for his part has said that if sister cannot accept his wife, she is not welcome in his home. The thing is, he talks about her now as if he has forgotten how fragile she is, as if he wants to assure himself she is NOT all alone by herself (which she is), or that I am NOT the one who is supporting her. He really seems angry and disgusted with her when her name comes up in conversation. It is hard to believe they used to be so close.
I am of two minds here. On the one hand, I was surprised at how cleanly Dad seemed to disconnect from my sister. But my sister has told me she hates herself for being unable to see Dad/our childhood home with "a woman who is only there because Mum is dead." I understand that. But I want my Dad to be happy, and he would be living all alone if he had not remarried, so I'm not sure if my sister is thinking about what she really wants here.
And I'm a bit annoyed that Dad's new wife seems to be resentful of my sister. When I meet Dad and his wife for dinner, she has said things to me like, "Should I be worried about the Olivia situation?" ("Olivia" is my sister). It was clear she was asking if she should be worried that my sister would somehow affect her own relationship with my dad, which bothers me a lot. I feel that my Dad would be happier if his wife encouraged him to try to communicate with my sister and mend fences, and develop a relationship between Dad's wife and sister. I do think Dad's wife has picked up on Dad's sadness about losing sister, and the fact that Dad and sister used to be close, and she feels threatened by my sister.
But it is almost Christmas, and it is hard to be bouncing between my sister and my Dad. I would love to have everyone over together for Christmas, but I will have to choose between my Dad and my sister because neither will show if the other is there.
My sister has told me she hates herself for not being able to "turn her feelings off" and not be angry with Dad. But she calls me crying almost every night. I don't know how to advise her or what to do. I don't want her to be alone on Christmas, which she will be if I spend the holiday with my Dad and his wife (and I resent my sister a bit for making me feel disloyal for spending time with Dad).
Sigh. This is a tangle.
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AIBU?
Who is BU?
17 replies
Amelia85 · 07/12/2017 16:57
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