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To say something to stop her ruining other people's lives?

(189 Posts)
CoveGirl Thu 07-Dec-17 16:27:05

I live in a close knit fishing village with my husband in the south west and have done for many years.

A while ago I discovered my DH was having an affair with a local woman who I regularly socialised with (she had 2 children at the time and was married). I was understandably devastated, but worked through things with DH and tried to move beyond it - remains bloody difficult seeing OW regularly and trying to be civil.

Fast forward and she has split with her former DH, remarried & had another LO. Her former DH has been painted as the person at fault, and laments that perhaps he didn't give her enough time as he worked away (he knows nothing of her indiscretions to my knowledge).

To all intents and purposes she and her new husband are the picture of happiness.

I recently discovered she's had multiple affairs (at least 4) - all with the husbands of local women, many of whom are supposedly her friends and some of whom are facing their own struggles.

Here is my dilemma - do I say anything and out her for the person she really is? I hate seeing these women humiliated like I was and being the last to know they are being betrayed. BUT I also need to question my motives - I confess it pains me to see her happy when she caused me so much pain and I don't want to be the cause of needless suffering. AIBU in telling these women what this woman is doing?

Carley27 Thu 07-Dec-17 16:31:03

How do you know she has had multiple affairs?

Sammymommy Thu 07-Dec-17 16:33:07

Does she drug the poor husbands she has sex with or do they have a bit of reaponsability too?

CoveGirl Thu 07-Dec-17 16:35:42

I have worked with one of the men she was involved with who confided in me he had been seeing her and felt awful (he is single, but she is married) - he stopped seeing her when he found messages from the other men.

I haven't mentioned to him or anyone that she had an affair with my DH, I just said he should think long and hard before betraying her DH like this.

The more I think about it, the more I doubt I'll say anything.

PinkHeart5914 Thu 07-Dec-17 16:36:24

Why say anything? She like the men she shags clearly have no morals you saying anything won’t change that.

I doubt she ever thinks about you or even cares that she played a part in the hurt you feel, so why give her the head space? Who cares what she does or doesn’t do

FizzyGreenWater Thu 07-Dec-17 16:36:39

Well it's not just her fault BUT I can't think why you'd keep any of her dirty secrets for her either. If you're speaking to these women then I can't think why you wouldn't be saying 'same thing happened to me'.

OR there's always the option of flyposting the entire village with posters of the Duracell Bunny with her face photoshopped on.

IHaveBrilloHair Thu 07-Dec-17 16:37:48

So the local husbands are doing exactly what your husband did and you think it's all the woman's fault, and must warn them about her?
What would you have done if you'd been warned, how would you have stopped your husband from cheating?

JonSnowsWife Thu 07-Dec-17 16:37:53

So it was all her fault then? Your poor DH. Happens so often that these women make married men accidentally on purpose fall on top of them hmm

HildaZelda Thu 07-Dec-17 16:38:21

Chances are everyone knows exactly what she's like already. I grew up in a small village. EVERYBODY know EVERYBODY else's business. I would imagine it's probably the same where you leave.

curryforbreakfast Thu 07-Dec-17 16:38:23

I'd tell her exhusband. Not fair that he thinks its his fault.

CoveGirl Thu 07-Dec-17 16:38:33

Of course they have responsibility. The reason I'm questioning whether I say anything is because my motives are probably due to my own hurt & humiliation, and so I shouldn't say anything. Whilst I'd hate for anyone else to feel the way I did, I think I should leave it.

RestingGrinchFace Thu 07-Dec-17 16:38:53

I don't see anything wrong with telling everyone if your pride can take it. It's the truth afterall.

WhoWants2Know Thu 07-Dec-17 16:39:22

Well... I don’t know if I would tell everybody unless there was substantial proof. But if her ex husband is wandering around thinking it was his fault, I’d be inclined to tell him.

Also, I don’t think I’d be able to hide the fact that she had an affair with your husband by being polite in public. Fuck that. I’d probably be very matter of fact and greet her with “morning, adulterer.”

JonSnowsWife Thu 07-Dec-17 16:39:41

(he is single, *but she is married*) -

So was your DH. Didn't stop him clearly.

JonSnowsWife Thu 07-Dec-17 16:41:26

Your only motivation for telling others is to run things for her, obviously and understandably in an act of revenge, that doesn't make it right though.

You clearly haven't worked through what your DH did or you wouldn't appear 'out to get her'.

Carley27 Thu 07-Dec-17 16:43:06

I personally wouldn't get involved, more hassle than it's worth. You would also have to drop your friend in it, I can't imagine they would just take your word for it without you explaining how you know.

JonSnowsWife Thu 07-Dec-17 16:43:10

Fuck that. I’d probably be very matter of fact and greet her with “morning, adulterer.”

It takes two to have an affair, is she to greet her husband with the same comment in the morning or is such comments just reserved for the other woman? confused

Strawberrybubblebath Thu 07-Dec-17 16:44:20

It maybe that she isn't actually happy at all.

I am sorry you have had/are having such a horrible time OP. I hope you are ok.

CoveGirl Thu 07-Dec-17 16:44:38

I don't suggest I would warn the husbands - but their wives. I don't suggest they are blameless either. I don't have any sympathy for my DH - I was able to tell him exactly what I thought at the time, he moved out, his life was suitably destroyed (by his own actions) and he paid a heavy price. Yes, it galls me that her life carried on without a blip - whilst mine was ruined for a time, I'm only human.

I wish someone had told me what was going on, but I can't assume other people would feel that way and I won't say anything.

FlowerPot1234 Thu 07-Dec-17 16:46:23

* IHaveBrilloHair* and JonSnowsWife - both of you have said to the OP "so you think it's all her fault"?

Eh? confused Where did the OP say she believes the affairs are all the woman's fault?

JonSnowsWife Thu 07-Dec-17 16:47:18

She like the men she shags clearly have no morals you saying anything won’t change that.

PinkHeart and what morals do the DHs have when getting into bed with her?

PinkHeart5914 Thu 07-Dec-17 16:49:34

Thing is you stuck with the man that married you, promised to be faithful then dropped his pants for another woman so if you can do that surely you can stop giving her the head space.

Fuck that. I’d probably be very matter of fact and greet her with “morning, adulterer only if op greets her dh like that every morning too, I mean I bet he was happy enough to get his cock out for her I doubt she held a gun to his head

I think the real issue here is op is not ok in her realtionship and clearly a lot more work needs to be done to work through this

JonSnowsWife Thu 07-Dec-17 16:50:08

AIBU in telling these women what this woman is doing?

Flowerpot here ^^.

No focus on the poor husbands were just as culpable, just the woman.

ReanimatedSGB Thu 07-Dec-17 16:50:12

I think your assessment of your own motives is about right - you want revenge. Stay well out of it and go on with your own life. The best revenge is always being happy rather than trying to hurt other people in the name of 'justice'.

PinkHeart5914 Thu 07-Dec-17 16:51:45

Well Jonsnow If you actually read my earlier post you will see I said “she like the MEN she shags clearly have no morals” therefore meaning her and these are as bad as each fucking other

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