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To think he should keep his mouth shut to spare my feelings?

(78 Posts)
Afterconkerseason Thu 07-Dec-17 14:20:14

I am 33 weeks pregnant and exhausted and grumpy, so fully prepared to be told IABU as I honestly don’t know at this point!

DH does not, and never has, got on with my SIL. She’s number 1 on his least favourite people list hmm I am close with my DB and get on fine with SIL, she’s very family oriented which I really appreciate as it means that I spend a lot of time with her and my DB and our DS’ are very close as well.

DHs family are not close, admittedly they live abroad, but they don’t speak regularly and family get togethers etc never happen. We’ve been together 8 years and I’ve never met anyone outside of his nuclear family.

So, it’s christmas. We have a number of Christmas type activities planned with DB, SIL and DN. As these get closer the frequency of whining from my DH has intensified. Whenever I try to discuss logistical arrangements for these events I am met with sarcasm and negativity. It’s really starting to get me down. He told me at lunch today he is ‘dreading’ these days out and wants to do things just me, him and DS spontaneously and is annoyed we have things booked in. We have had one family Christmas Day out and have a visit to Santa just the three of us planned. There are also a few days in the run up to Christmas Eve that are free just for us, I’ve told him he’s welcome to suggest/organise anything he likes for these times!

My AIBU is that I snapped today and asked him to do me a favour and keep his negativity to himself. I don’t expect him to have fun but I just can’t listen to anymore of it. I was so looking forward to a nice, happy Christmas before DC2 arrived and now this creeping sense of dread I’ve been ignoring has turned into me in turn just feeing like I don’t want to do any of it either because I’ll be dragging around a surly DH with a face like a smacked arse.

He says he has to be honest and I can’t ask him to keep his thoughts to himself, it’s unfair.

So AIBU and irrational pregnant woman? I am so angry right now I can’t tell sad

Sorry for the long post!

DeadGood Thu 07-Dec-17 14:27:08

I hear you OP, but it sounds like your DH just really doesn’t enjoy spending time with this person. How many events exactly? Three? There are only a few weeks til Xmas and anything more than about 1 sounds like a lot to me.
Men can often be less motivated to attend these sorts of family get-togethers, they don’t really see the longer-term benefits of having a strong family network around you, and the work you have to put in to maintain it.
Can he be excused from one of these days out?

PinkHeart5914 Thu 07-Dec-17 14:27:46

Well your dh and sil don’t get on so his hardly going to look forward to spending time in her company is he? Why should an adult have to suck in up and spend time with someone they don’t Like because a partner says so? If dh told me I was to go to a number of activities with someone I didn’t like I’d certainly be vocal about it

I can see why you want to spend time with your brother & niece but I think you are being a bit unreasonable to expect you dh to suck it up because it’s what you want to do knowing he doesn’t get on with sil

madcatwoman61 Thu 07-Dec-17 14:27:51

Just leave him at home

Afterconkerseason Thu 07-Dec-17 14:30:22

Yeah it’s two before Christmas and then we’ll be with them for Christmas Day too so I guess that is quite a lot blush

He really really doesn’t like spending time with her you’re right. I did say he didn’t have to come up any of them but understandably he wants to spend time with me and DS as well.

Ugh, families!

Afterconkerseason Thu 07-Dec-17 14:35:43

The understand what you’re saying PinkHeart and I he does usually skip every other thing we organise with them (and most of the things with my friends but I’m not bothered about that).

I just feel as an adult, at Christmas especially, yes you do have to suck it up because it’s about family and helping create bonds and support networks for your kids as well? We all have to spend time with people we don’t like sometimes for the greater good don’t we??

Anyway, I will tell him again he’s free to bow out I am clearly just in a foul mood today! I’m usually fairly easy going I promise!

DeadGood Thu 07-Dec-17 14:35:59

Ok, so 3. I think you need to compromise. Either cancel one, or let your DB know that your DH can’t make it. Talk to your husband and let him know that you’ve heard what he has to say, and tell him what you’ve done to rectify it. Hopefully then he will relax a bit about the other events.
And then move on to ideas for time you can spend together just the 3 of you - letting him know that these plans can include duvet days, movies on the sofa etc. It’s the end of the year and maybe he wants to relax a bit.

MostPeopleAreCunts Thu 07-Dec-17 14:38:38

Two dates between now and Christmas and spending Christmas day with them as well is way more than I'd want to spend with most people, frankly, let alone someone I actively dislike. I'm with your DH on this one, I'm afraid.

araiwa Thu 07-Dec-17 14:38:49

Who the fuck wants to spend xmas with people they dont like

Poor man

CotswoldStrife Thu 07-Dec-17 14:39:04

YABU

You actually say in your OP 'I don't expect him to have fun' - why would you put him in that position?! Is this a reverse?!

You know that he doesn't want to be booked up with events in the run-up to Christmas and especially not with a person he doesn't like. So you book him in regardless and wonder why he's not happy confused He says he'd like to be spontaneous but you expect him to let you know know what he wants to do on the (few, apparently) free days that you've left in the schedule.

DeadGood Thu 07-Dec-17 14:39:56

“I just feel as an adult, at Christmas especially, yes you do have to suck it up because it’s about family and helping create bonds and support networks for your kids as well? We all have to spend time with people we don’t like sometimes for the greater good don’t we??”

I have to say I agree - have you taken your lead from my comment above about family-support networks?

It can be tough to encourage men to get on board with this kind of thinking. I know this is a generalisation but I think it is true. It doesn’t seem to be “obvious” to men in the way it is to women - that you need to put in effort with family and friends. This is why widowers often end up so isolated.

Maybe they are content like that? Not sure what the solution is really, but do talk to him, really lay it out in the line, exactly what it is you are trying to do and why. Support is important. He does need to do his bit. Just maybe not all the time.

AJPTaylor Thu 07-Dec-17 14:42:44

Yanbu.
I have relatives of DH that are not my cup of tea. I see them maybe 4 times a year. I am sweetness and light during this time. My DH in turn puts up with my DM with good grace.

Branleuse Thu 07-Dec-17 14:43:25

why are you spending xmas day with people your dh doesnt like? Can you go to theirs on boxing day without him instead? Im sure your SIL isnt keen on spending xmas with him either. Sounds like you and your db might be running the show here

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Thu 07-Dec-17 14:43:43

3 is quite a lot. I think a bit of a compromise might help...

Offer to cancel one (so you do something with just him and DS), he doesn't have to attend the other one (but you get to spend time with DB and SIL), but you expect him there and sociable for Christmas Day?

CotswoldStrife Thu 07-Dec-17 14:44:56

Why have you said you'd spend Christmas Day with them?!

GreatDuckCookery Thu 07-Dec-17 14:46:14

Sorry OP but you’re wrong. It’s unfair to arrange 3 things when you know how much DH dislikes SIL, I mean that’s just really crazy.

You

araiwa Thu 07-Dec-17 14:46:42

At any stage did you consider his feelings about spending 3 days with someone he hates?

PinkHeart5914 Thu 07-Dec-17 14:46:59

So his got Christmas Day with someone he doesn’t like? Blimey his in for a great day isn’t he.

just feel as an adult, at Christmas especially, yes you do have to suck it up because it’s about family and helping create bonds and support networks for your kids as well? We all have to spend time with people we don’t like sometimes for the greater good don’t we?? for me personally Christmas is about spending time with ones you like and no I don’t spend time with people I don’t like “ for the greater good” fuck that bullshit

NCforthis12345 Thu 07-Dec-17 14:47:05

My DP is like this with certain family members and for good reason. So I just don't force him to come along. Both happy.

GreatDuckCookery Thu 07-Dec-17 14:47:38

Sorry pressed too soon.

You expect him to go ahead and just put up with it all so you can enjoy yourselves. I know you can’t see it but it comes across as really quite self centred.

Taylor22 Thu 07-Dec-17 14:49:18

He has a wife problem.

He's said he wants more time with his family but you expect him to put up and shit up?
Why did you bother marrying him?

You might as well have just jumped into a sisterwife role.

Stop putting them above your husband.
Once or twice fine. But all of that is just BS. And I'm speechless about Christmas Day.

Bluntness100 Thu 07-Dec-17 14:50:48

To be fair to your husband, if I couldn’t stand one of my in laws I’d expect my husband to have my back and have a mid ground position ready, right now You’ve more planned with them than you do him and are pissed off he won’t just go along with it quietly. I think everyone I know would be a bit ffs about it.

I mean xmas day is bad enough, to have to spend it with the in laws, never mind one you don’t like, never mind having two other events and your spouse telling you to shut the fuck up about it. You’ve put him in a really difficult position the least you can do is listen to him whinge.

Next year find a mid ground.

MrsTerryPratchett Thu 07-Dec-17 14:52:07

Whose fault is it they don't get on?

Yes, I know some people just don't. But for there to be this much animosity, I'm guessing one or both of them is being an arsehole. So who is it?

Afterconkerseason Thu 07-Dec-17 14:52:19

Right, clearly IABU by making him do this when he doesn’t want to! I will sit down with him tonight and make it clear he is free to decline all of the events he is uncomfortable with and I will not make him feel bad about it. After he’s a grown up and PPs are right, who wants to spend time with people they don’t like?

DeadGood yes I did take your lead, your family values sound similar to mine! As a grumpy teenager I was often expected to spend time with and be nice to relatives I didn’t like, out of respect and also to maintain relationships I would later come to appreciate (I do!)

Branleuse Lol at me and my DB running the show! The only person running the show is my SIL, it’s the main reason DH doesn’t like her. I’m sure she dislikes him too but she would never say so and she is far too savvy to be anything other than nice as pie to him, possibly because she can see the nicer she is the grumpier he gets!

Taylor22 Thu 07-Dec-17 14:53:44

And what happens if he wants to make plans with DS when it clashes with one of your many outings?

Why not make an effort to sit down and arrange nuclear family time?

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