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torn between DP and DS, WWYD

(134 Posts)
Goodfood1 Thu 07-Dec-17 10:03:04

My DS who's 25 sent me a message last night saying he wants to split with his GF & can he stay at ours a few nights. We have a spare room. my DP (Not DS's father) went on a massive rant about how my DS is an adult and should act like one not run to Mum.

I know my DP doesn't feel comfortable with others in the house and in particular my DS. Now I didn't ask if he could come and stay I just told my DP about the message, I then was unable to hardly say a word and when i managed to he wasn't listening and jumped in straight away.

In the end I was really upset, he stayed downstairs till late and I went to bed.

My DS won't stay longer than a few days as GF is leaving next week for xmas and he is going away soon too, but I do understand where my DP is coming from, he even struggled with his own sister staying with before we even lived together.

my family comes from an everyone is welcome background, he hardly ever had people at his home.

I have 2 issues here,
1) balancing the welcome or not of my DS to my home.
2) DP who when he's on a rant listens to no-one which leaves me angry and frustrated.

sorry if its long.

Stitchsmum Thu 07-Dec-17 10:04:46

He’s your son, why shouldn’t he run to his mum?
I hope my children still come to me when they need it, regardless of their age.

Ilovetolurk Thu 07-Dec-17 10:06:14

Your DP is being a knob

RestingGrinchFace Thu 07-Dec-17 10:06:24

Leave you partner obviously. He sounds like a right bastard.

LouHotel Thu 07-Dec-17 10:07:29

If its definitely just a week then i cant understand your DP over the top reaction.

If your son is then likely to sofa surf at your for 6 months i could understand it

Peachyking000 Thu 07-Dec-17 10:07:44

Your DP is being a berk. I’d struggle to be with someone who wouldn’t want my DS to feel welcome, no matter what age they were

Finola1step Thu 07-Dec-17 10:08:02

Your ds is in the middle of a relationship breakdown. Of course he wants to go back to his mum for a bit.

No man woukd make me feel uncomfortable about supporting my dc.

NameChange30 Thu 07-Dec-17 10:08:33

Why are you even asking the question?
Surely your children always come first?
My son will always be welcome in my home and if I was living with a partner who objected to that I would tell him to fuck off.
Your partner sounds unpleasant.

RacingRaccoons Thu 07-Dec-17 10:08:36

Your DS needs his mum obviously. As a P.O. said, I hope my DS will always come to me for support and help.

Your ‘D’P doesn’t sound like a nice person...

RacingRaccoons Thu 07-Dec-17 10:08:53


Flywheel Thu 07-Dec-17 10:10:11

You need to support your ds. It's the right thing to do. I would tell your partner that a request from a young adult, going through a difficult time, to stay a few days at his mums house is not even slightly untrasonable. Support your son.

FizzyGreenWater Thu 07-Dec-17 10:10:17

You even have to ask?

IF your DP was a lovely, reasonable generous person who was raising his eyebrows at this because your DS is well known for his cheeky freeloading, THEN maybe he'd have a point.

But he's a 'ranting' aggressive person who doesn't listen to you and doesn't 'feel comfortable' with other people in his home, which translates as 'it's MY home - only MY feelings matter'.

Your son should come first, and your son should definitely come first over a person like this. Because it's also about YOU coming first and your DP being a loving partner who pitches in to help YOU when you have an issue to solve.

And in particular your DS - to be honest, that would seal the deal for me and make myself ask why I was prepared to be with someone jealous and unwelcoming towards my own child.

He's not on your team, so don't pick his team this time.

It's your house too, tell him to go visiting friends for a few days if he doesn't want to see your son. Oh hang on, I'm guessing he might not have that many friends...?

SilverySurfer Thu 07-Dec-17 10:10:40

Children are for life, dickhead DPs are not.

MyBrilliantDisguise Thu 07-Dec-17 10:10:50

This is really awful. Your poor son - he can't have felt welcome by this man. I would always be on the side of my child in this sort of situation. Always. That would mean either leaving the partner (frankly his attitude really stinks) or telling him to suck it up.

user1494409994 Thu 07-Dec-17 10:11:05

My son and daughter will always take priority regardless of their age. They are mine to look after and help. Anyone who struggles with that, can do one.

Excited101 Thu 07-Dec-17 10:11:09

Unless there's a big backstory with your DS taking advantage and being a twat then your DP is being massively unreasonable. Is he lovely in every other way OP?

Birdsgottafly Thu 07-Dec-17 10:12:13

"I know my DP doesn't feel comfortable with others in the house and in particular my DS"

That would have been a deal breaker for me, tbh.

I've got boomerang Adult children and most of my peers have had to help their children out, by them coming back home.

You shouldn't be living with anyone who rants at you without listening.

Put your foot down, or out the door.

pilates Thu 07-Dec-17 10:12:59

Quite natural for a child (whatever the age) to go to his parents in an hour of need. It’s only for a couple of days. Your DP sounds like an arse.

mustbemad17 Thu 07-Dec-17 10:13:22

I'm nearly 30. The first person I wanted when my relationship went tits up was my mum. I hope that my DD feels she can do the same when she grows up!

Your DP is being a wanker. Being an adult doesn't mean you stop needing support!!

Peanutbuttercheese Thu 07-Dec-17 10:15:01

Your partner sounds like a massive arsehole.

Has he ever said why he doesn't like visitors and what's his other behaviour like? Is he a huge control freak?

Council Thu 07-Dec-17 10:15:25

Unless there's more to it (like they're constantly splitting and getting back together, or he has responsibilities for children he'll be running away from, or he has form for staying much longer than he says and is a complete slob) of course he should be able to spend a few days at his Mum's

Bumbumtaloo Thu 07-Dec-17 10:18:07

Sorry OP, I’m another who things your partner is being unreasonable.

At 22 I split with my ex and as we worked together I lost my home and job too. I went home to my mum, no questions asked. I did stay longer than I intended and moved out when I was pregnant with dd1. I know that I can go ‘home’ if I ever need to, again no question asked. I intend to be the same with my daughters.

RainbowPastel Thu 07-Dec-17 10:20:46

What a selfish pig. My children will ALWAYS be welcome in my home whatever their age.

Oliversmumsarmy Thu 07-Dec-17 10:21:03

I am guessing your dp doesn't have children because that would mean sharing his home with someone else.

This is perfectly natural and how families should work if your dp can't see that he really needs to get to the bottom of why he has such strong views on the matter.

MrsXx4 Thu 07-Dec-17 10:22:01

Your DP is being a total twat!

When my relationship broke down with my ex and I wanted to come home for a bit my mum and step-dad welcomed me with open arms. My parents were the first and only people I wanted when I felt that torn and that lost!

If I ever have children they will always come first no matter how old they get.

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