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AIBU?

To not want DH's friend to stay with us throughout Christmas!

71 replies

TeeniefaeTroon · 07/12/2017 00:16

This is not a new problem, this will be the 5th Christmas we've had in this house. DH's friend (F 1) lives a 4 hour drive away, when we bought a bigger house 4 years ago we invited him for Christmas and it seems to have become a tradition.

He arrives in our village on the 22nd or 23rd of December but stays with other friend (F2) (who is single with a 2 bed flat). They are both invited here for Christmas Day, F2 goes home when the day is over but F1 stays over. He then doesn't leave until the 3rd or 4th of January!

Every year it does my head in! Why would he want to stay with a family when he can stay with a similar aged single man?

My DH isn't one for sitting on his arse all day, he doesn't get a lot of holidays a year so when he's off he does a lot of odd jobs around the house. Our house is a bit of a project so there's always something to do. His mate just sits around, rolling fags (a bug bear of mine as I've to hoover up the tobacco all the time!) and watching telly. He swears a lot and we have a 5 year old so I'm so conscious of it.

When I get up in the morning I feel I can't wear my pjs so have to have a shower and get dressed. My ensuite shower has been knackered for the last year so have been using the ensuite shower in the room F1 sleeps in, I can't do this when he's here. Thankfully my shower is now fixed but it's not a good shower so I don't normally use it.

I told DH 3 weeks ago that it wasn't happening this year and I was putting my foot down. He got grumpy with me and said he'd tell him not to come at all. Result! However, F1 has been messaging me to say he can't wait until Christmas so he's obviously not been told 😡

This year F2 is going to his family 2 hours away but hopefully F1 can still stay in his flat for the 3 days he's away or we'll have F1 there on Christmas morning too 😫

OP posts:

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pallisers · 07/12/2017 00:28

just tell him it doesn't suit you this year.

Message him back and say oh sorry, didn't dh tell you - we can't host this year.

or (and I'd do this because it is so close to xmas)

message him back and say "yes lovely to have you xmas day but we can't have you to stay for any bit of it this year. presume this will be fine.

Can't believe you've had 4 years of having a guest for over a week whom you don't want!

TeeniefaeTroon · 07/12/2017 00:36

I don't mind him coming, if he stayed over just Christmas night and January 1st but stayed with F2 the rest of the time I'd be delighted. Just not for the whole holidays. Not to drip feed but he has a major physical disability but after 4 Christmases my patience is wearing very thin.

OP posts:

Thermowoman · 07/12/2017 00:38

Just tell him! There is no way I'd have put up with this for so long.

LolaTheDarkdestroyer · 07/12/2017 00:41

What does the disability have to do with it?

pallisers · 07/12/2017 00:44

So tell him he is welcome to stay Dec 25 but not any longer. Then invite him again to stay on Jan 1.

Nothing will change unless you tell him what you want.

GreenTulips · 07/12/2017 00:44

Does he contribute in anyway at all?

Not that that really matters if you don't want him around

Message a straight text - hi it'd great to see you for Christmas Dinner at 2pm but we're not having overnight guests this year. Sorry thought DH had mentioned it to you? See you soon.

TeeniefaeTroon · 07/12/2017 00:45

His disability doesn't really have much to do with it, but I feel that people (from our village) would look down on me for not letting him stay as he's disabled. However just because he's disabled doesn't stop him being a pain in the arse.

OP posts:

TeeniefaeTroon · 07/12/2017 00:51

Re - does he contribute, yes he brings us all presents, he takes butchers meat up (however this is very cheap and inedible, I've had to throw so much out). I'm not a snob where meat is concerned as I'd prefer he went to Lidl or Asda, the things he brings up are really salty. He'll also go and buy a leg of lamb, give it to me and suggest we invite my parents and MIL round. The last thing I want to do after Christmas is cooking for another large group. Is heart is there but I just want to chill out, not entertain during the holidays. Except Christmas Day, New Year's Day etc

OP posts:

Sprinklestar · 07/12/2017 00:59

Well why doesn't he stay in the other friend's flat and just come to you on Xmas Day?

theftbyfinding · 07/12/2017 01:01

What is the actual problem?

theftbyfinding · 07/12/2017 01:03

Your dh has clearly not taken you seriously. Tell him you don't intend to have F1 or F2 (lost now) more than Christmas dinner. And stick to it.

TeeniefaeTroon · 07/12/2017 01:12

@Sprinklestar that is my ideal scenario, just to convince DH!

OP posts:

givemesteel · 07/12/2017 01:42

Unfortunately I think you'll have to do Dh's dirty work as he won't. Just text back say something vague like 'circumstances have changed' so you can't have anyone to stay over Christmas but he's welcome to come for Christmas day itself.

If I got a message like that I'd assume someone was ill but didn't want to divulge details or that maybe you were having relationship problems. Who cares so long as you break the tradition. Think you'll have to stick with it though as otherwise it will slip back again.

bunbunny · 07/12/2017 01:53

I'd tweak Palliser's messages to drop dh in it - so lovely to see you on Christmas Day, as you know we are not having any overnight guests this year but dh said you were fine with that, hope you're excited about your plans for Xmas week as we are - can't believe we have so much planned!

LoneParenting101 · 07/12/2017 02:09

Does this guy not have his own family to go to??

TeeniefaeTroon · 07/12/2017 08:14

He fell out with his family a few years ago so, rather than having him on his own, we invited him to Christmas dinner. He stayed in the village then though, when he first moved away he would stay with F2 when he came up. It's just when we got the bigger house that he started staying with us.

OP posts:

TeeniefaeTroon · 07/12/2017 08:15

He is back speaking to his family now but still comes to us.

OP posts:

CocaColaTruck · 07/12/2017 08:20

Grasp the nettle, OP, tell him today if your DH won't.

WitchesHatRim · 07/12/2017 08:22

Well why doesn't he stay in the other friend's flat and just come to you on Xmas Day?

Maybe the friend doesn't want to!

user1493413286 · 07/12/2017 08:30

I have a mental time limit on having people to stay/staying at peoples houses and that’s just family so I’d find it hard going having someone stay too long particularly at a time of year when you might want to do other things or just chill out with your children and DH.
Think you might have to say something though.

PippaSqueaks · 07/12/2017 08:30

I think you must be some sort saint to have done it for so long. Having someone stay over for around 10 days must be tortuously hard work.

Especially hard at Christmas when most people want to spend at least some of that time vegging in front of the telly in their pyjamas, not having to make themselves and the house constantly presentable.

It's your home and it's your Christmas. I think as long as your say it nicely, I think you should be able to ask that he only comes Christmas day and new year.

YANBU at all.

Penfold007 · 07/12/2017 08:31

I wonder if F2 is going away this Christmas to get away from F1? Just send him a message making it clear that he can't stay.

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GlitteryFluff · 07/12/2017 08:32

I thought that penfold.

deepestdarkestperu · 07/12/2017 08:37

Why on earth have you tolerated it this long? I would have put my foot down around December 27th of year one!

cheesydoesit · 07/12/2017 08:38

Bloody hell, YANBU. This would drive me mad.

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