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To ask my husband to have time off with to look after me

(47 Posts)
Bex2110 Wed 06-Dec-17 22:55:00

I’ve been having seizures for around a month now (under investigation and waiting for test results) but this week they have become more severe and I’ve been told by gp that I am not allowed to be alone. I’m currently off work on maternity leave looking after our baby.

My husband is aware of what’s going on but he refuses to ask for time off work to watch after me and instead expects me to rely on neighbours and friends who all have their own lives to lead. It’s probably worth saying that he doesn’t have any leave left for this year so if he did take time off he’d either have to bring forward some of next year’s annual leave or take the time off unpaid.

So who is BU here, me for asking him to take time off or him for refusing to take tome off?

BarbarianMum Wed 06-Dec-17 22:58:46

Can you afford for him to take unpaid leave? If you can YANBU unless he's in the sort of job where time off before Christmas is a massive no-no (and even then I'd probably try and arrange a day or two).

CheapSausagesAndSpam Wed 06-Dec-17 23:02:07

How difficult....is it possible he's worried about jepordizing his job though OP?

Somerville Wed 06-Dec-17 23:02:09

Neither of you are being unreasonable; it's really tough when one's spouse/co-parent is unwell to the point of needing to be looked after, just as it's tough to be so unwell. The dilemma is that the healthy one of the couple needs to carry on earning and not risk losing their job. But they also need to look after their spouse. It's very hard - I've been there.
Ultimately, any day that there is not a friend of neighbour who can stay with you, your husband will have to take off work, since there is no other option. But people won't mind you asking, and hopefully will stay with you lots - and when you're well again you can both repay favours.
Try to accept help from all quarters - you need as wide a circle of support as possible right now.

Hope your medical team get to the bottom of the seizures really soon. flowers

Bex2110 Wed 06-Dec-17 23:04:37

I think we could afford for him to take a couple of days unpaid, but yes, ultimately he’s worried about jeopardising his job. I go completely understand this but I can’t help the situation I’m in. It’s really difficult.

Lindy2 Wed 06-Dec-17 23:07:27

It would be very difficult for my husband to take time off to look after me but it wouldn't mean he didn't care. Your husband may well feel under financial pressure to ensure he keeps earning especially as you are on maternity leave.
Do you have family that can help at all? Is there anyone you can stay with for a while who can keep an eye on you?

Sprinklestar Wed 06-Dec-17 23:09:50

My worry here is who is looking after the baby?

Bex2110 Wed 06-Dec-17 23:10:18

We live three hours away from both mine and his parents so there is no family around to help out. It seems like an impossible situation at the moment and I feel so guilty about it sad

cestlavielife Wed 06-Dec-17 23:10:28

Apply for PIP and employ someone?

Bex2110 Wed 06-Dec-17 23:12:07

Sprinklestar, I’m looking after the baby. The baby is okay.

WarningSign Wed 06-Dec-17 23:12:29

Is there any way your husband can work from home?

GlitterNails Wed 06-Dec-17 23:13:33

PIP is extremely difficult to get and the OP would need to have had her condition for three months and be expecting it to last nine more months (which is probably difficult to say at this point.)

minipie Wed 06-Dec-17 23:15:22

Can parents or in laws come and stay? Or could you and baby stay at theirs (obv you would need to be accompanied on the journey). I know they are 3 hours away but seems like this justifies the journey.

Be3Al2Si6O18 Wed 06-Dec-17 23:16:00

Maybe he should talk to his employer?

Maybe they would say "Look after your family, because at the end of the day its only a job here. Let's work something out".

Bex2110 Wed 06-Dec-17 23:17:15

Thank you everyone for your advice. I appreciate it x

WarningSign Wed 06-Dec-17 23:17:32

As someone with a husband who epilepsy, I would also be concerned about who was looking after the baby. If the seizures are coming on unexpectedly/without warning, then holding or bathing the baby or co-sleeping with baby are dangerous. Also, if there is a refractory period after the seizure (when you think you're ok but are actually drowsy or foggy) then it isn't safe to be in sole charge of an infant.

RunningOutOfCharge Wed 06-Dec-17 23:18:04

The priority is the baby .... can your DH drop baby at daycare/childminder/nursery if you can get a place?

Codlet Wed 06-Dec-17 23:18:44

Have you considered paying someone to be with you rather than asking him to take time off? Maybe a teenager home from university or something (some unis break up next week). Presumably you could pay them less than your DH earns, so it would be more cost effective than him taking unpaid leave, and he wouldn’t be jeopardising his job either.

Wellfuckmeinbothears Wed 06-Dec-17 23:19:02

I was diagnosed with epilepsy after random seizures when I was 26. They’re really frightening. Do you have any warning signs one is coming? I wasn’t with my DP when I was diagnosed but now that I am he wouldn’t leave me if I’d had one within the last 24 hours. I don’t know what your seizures are like but mine are incredibly violent and I often bite/choke on my tongue and I often have 3 or 4 within 12 hours then none for a month. Mine are controlled with medication but are still very violent. We don’t have children but if in you’re in sole charge of your baby you really need someone to be around. What if you have a fit whilst holding them?

I really hope you get answers soon, it’s a very scary time flowers

shakeyourcaboose Wed 06-Dec-17 23:19:25

Sorry but i can see where sprinklestar is coming from, if you are needing monitored and you need looking after, is the baby ok? Could your husband not seek special leave for child aspect?

BackforGood Wed 06-Dec-17 23:19:26

Are none of your parents able to come and stay for 5 days or a week ?

I wouldn't say either of you are being unreasonable, however, I am inclined to agree with your dh, that, if you can manage with support from family and friends, then that is the better route to go down. You don't want him jeapardising his job, nor really breaking into next year's AL allowance if it is avoidable.

TooManyPaws Wed 06-Dec-17 23:21:26

Is there no Special Leave or Compassionate Leave that he can take, or do some work at home? It would be worth him speaking to his manager or HR about it as many organisations will have arrangements for family emergencies. Could he not be considered to be looking after the child technically due to your illness and be given Parental Leave?

Crumbs1 Wed 06-Dec-17 23:22:18

Could one of your parents come and stay for a while?

expatinscotland Wed 06-Dec-17 23:22:54

Can you stay at either one of your family's homes for a while?

'Apply for PIP and employ someone?'

Do you realise how hard it is to get PIP? And LOL at its being enough to employ 'someone'. hmm

Lindy2 Wed 06-Dec-17 23:27:43

I think you need to ask your family to come and stay for a while or go and stay there, until you know a bit more about what is causing your health issues.

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