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To worry...

(7 Posts)
BlueWhales Wed 06-Dec-17 21:12:26

About not loving my adopted son the same as my biological son...?

We have one child and I cant physically have anymore myself but we both always wanted 2 kids so we are adopting and have just started the process, very early days.

I'm really concerned about bonding with our new child though and worried that we will always feel more love for our biological son over our adopted son.

Anyone with experience who can reassure me would be fantastic.

lonelymelissa Wed 06-Dec-17 22:01:00

As the mother of four adopted children s (some from birth, others toddlers), foster children of differing ages and now a grandmother, I think you will find you have no need to worry. In fact many adoptive parents I know have actually found that their problem was often in favouring the adopted child over the biological one.

Incidentally I found the same with grandchildren. You think you cannot possibly love anyone more than your children, then your grandchildren come along and your heart expands three fold.

The fact you are thinking this now is understandable and natural. But when it actually happens your worries will disappear and you will simply have children - with the words adopted and biological never in your vocabulary again. Good luck.

BlueWhales Wed 06-Dec-17 22:24:39

Thank-you lonelymelissa - your post is very reassuring. 😊

GingerbreadMa Wed 06-Dec-17 22:26:24

All 2nd time mums think this even if biological. I felt this way right through my second pregnancy. It normal x

MrsBonato Wed 06-Dec-17 22:32:23

Lonelymelissa is right. I have an adopted sibling, they are definitely favoured, but not in a way that pushes the rest of us out. Proud of my dp for doing it too We see it that they had a tough time, didn't ask to be in this position and deserve all the love possible. Other than here for this purpose we rarely think of them as adopted and I wouldn't like to think of life without that sibling.

As a side note I cannot have more children of my own, if I had more money I would adopt as it's been great for us growing up.

ThisLittleKitty Wed 06-Dec-17 22:37:51

I didn't feel this way with any of my pregnancies (worried that I wouldn't love them the same) but speaking to friends it's a very common feeling and alot of them said they felt they wouldn't so it's something a lot of parents worry about not just adoptive parents. Try not to worry.

lonelymelissa Wed 06-Dec-17 23:50:56

OP, I also wanted to add I remember long ago feeling as you did. I was waiting to meet three of my children for the first time. Terrified as the social worker's car pulled into our drive. We nervously opened the door, saw them, and fell totally in love with them before they had crossed over the threshold. Our baby daughter the same.

And all these decades later if it's not too silly a thing to say, we (now adult children and ourselves) sometimes forget we are not genetically connected. And we then think "oh yes" and have a laugh about it.

Also, as an only child, who has no living parents either, the gift of a sibling is the best possible thing you can do for your son. I know others will disagree, I understand that. But in my experience despite having a wonderful childhood and wonderful relationships with both parents, it is so very lonely as an adult, and so very stressful being the only one when your parents are elderly and pass away (and a lot of work with the formalities).

I wish you well.

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