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To be annoyed that they don’t understand...

(64 Posts)
Pinklady1982 Wed 06-Dec-17 18:39:38

My mum and her husband are arranging a special holiday, and are inviting their children (grown ups) and grandchildren (aged between 2-8). My little family consists of my fiancé, my dd and my step son (aged 17). They are inviting everyone apart from my step son, as they say he will be old enough to fend for himself for the week, and he isn’t a part of their family as such. I find this very hurtful and so does my fiancé (his father). They don’t understand why I expected him to be automatically invited, and I don’t understand why they wouldn’t realise he is my family, and I love him to bits. They actually seemed annoyed at me for questioning this. He is a good kid, and has been through a lot, but both him and his dad haven’t always got along with my Mum and stepdad, but I don’t understand how they can think it’s ok to just leave out one member of the, am I the one being unreasonable to expect him to be invited??

PolentaDream Wed 06-Dec-17 18:41:31

YANBU. That's pretty shitty. Can you explain to them that your little family is a package deal?

nancy75 Wed 06-Dec-17 18:41:39

It’s a bit strange that your stepdad sees you as his family but not your stepson - you would have thought they would understand because of that

gamerchick Wed 06-Dec-17 18:42:07

Perfect time to make a stand. Tell them you won't be going and you hope they have a good time. Then don't get into any drama.

pastabakewithcheese Wed 06-Dec-17 18:43:24

Is your mum paying for the holiday or just inviting people and they'll pay for themselves?

Pinklady1982 Wed 06-Dec-17 18:43:26

I do feel like saying that it’s all of us or nothing, but then I would feel guilty as they have been very good to us all, and I don’t want to let them down.

I know Nancy, if another step parent can’t understsnd that, there seems to be no hope!

gamerchick Wed 06-Dec-17 18:43:36

Good comeback that. Your stepdad isn't technically your family either so you're sure they'll understand your point of view.

Or you can wuss out with the old 'no way am I leaving a 17 yr old in charge of the house'

Pinklady1982 Wed 06-Dec-17 18:44:28

My step dad is paying for everyone

Fekko Wed 06-Dec-17 18:45:45

No - all or no one. It doesn't matter if they have been 'good' to you. They need to understand that he is family. Poor kid!

nancy75 Wed 06-Dec-17 18:46:50

Do they dislike your stepson & this is their excuse?

SparklyMagpie Wed 06-Dec-17 18:48:45

Sorry but I wouldn't be going. Your step dad should understand this!

I would rather not go and let my stepson know he's as much a part of my little family

Pinklady1982 Wed 06-Dec-17 18:49:10

I know, I really feel for him as he will be so upset. He has had a pretty shitty childhood, and the fact that his father has full PR for him speaks for itself. I don’t understand the change in attitude towards him, and they always used to treat him really well, and got grandson cards for him, now everything has changed and it’s really hurtful.

CotswoldStrife Wed 06-Dec-17 18:49:11

but both him and his dad haven’t always got along with my Mum and stepdad

This may well have something to do with it. How long have you been with your fiance/stepson? What do they fall out over?

HirplesWithHaggis Wed 06-Dec-17 18:49:12

Otoh, if I were a 17yo, would I prefer to go on a (step) family holiday with my parents and considerably younger cousins, or have a week with an empty? grin

Cloudsarebright Wed 06-Dec-17 18:50:42

Wow that’s awful, your poor stepson

Julie8008 Wed 06-Dec-17 18:53:44

Cant you offer to pay for him to join the holiday?

Pinklady1982 Wed 06-Dec-17 18:54:34

We have all been living together for 6, nearly 7 years. He hasn’t done any my thing awful, just been a typical teenager at time. I thought they had more of a problem with my fiancé rather than my stepson, and feel if they can invite him, then they should invite both. To be honest, he probably wouldn’t even want to go, but it’s the principal of it that I feel he should be given the option. I don’t want to seem ungrateful or anything, it just breaks my heart that they can make the effort to get in with my fiancé, but not him.

Crumbs1 Wed 06-Dec-17 18:54:54

That’s very generous of your stepfather. However it’s also incredibly ungenerous at the same time. A family is a family and your stepson should be included as part of your family (unless he only stays with you one night every few weeks). I think you need a conversation with your mother and stepfather to explain you can only go if it’s the whole family. Could you offer to pay for your stepson.

Appuskidu Wed 06-Dec-17 18:58:50

but both him and his dad haven’t always got along with my Mum and stepdad

Is there a backstory there-that was what leapt out at me.

Pinklady1982 Wed 06-Dec-17 19:01:58

I could offer to pay, but after talking to my fiancé he is saying he will not be going even if they changed their minds now, so no point talking to them any more about it. He is very stubborn, and will not change his mind either! I just need to decide whether I will go for the sake of keeping the peace, or not go at all out of principal. I’m not the best at speaking out about how I feel, especially with my mum, and I really don’t want to fall out with anyone, but I feel really torn right now!

Iwanttobe8stoneagain Wed 06-Dec-17 19:02:10

I could kind of understood it if you had been together for say a year but your dss has been part of the family for 7 years. Are any other adult children going? Maybe in their minds 16 is cut off

elisaveta Wed 06-Dec-17 19:02:56

No. That's not OK at all, especially if your stepson lives with you. He's part of your family and it's all or none. Your stepson may need to see you make a stand on this, or else he'll be really hurt.

Handsfull13 Wed 06-Dec-17 19:04:23

I have this on and off with my parents over my step son. They love him and treat him well but forget he is my family and can't understand why I factor his feeling into everything I do.
I think you just need to be honest and tell them he is your family so he should be included. Even mentioning he might not want to come but you want to give him the choice and if it really comes to it offer to pay his part.

Allthetuppences Wed 06-Dec-17 19:05:30

Lay it on thick to your stepdad. With him as such a previously good role model as a step parent you're surprised, didappointed and reflecting on tbings. Then take a bit of distance. I wouldn't go though. How mean of them.

Worldsworstcook Wed 06-Dec-17 19:06:15

What kind of message would you be sending dss if he was not included.

Your mum should know better even if your stepdad doesn't

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