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AIBU not to give my husband another chance?

(73 Posts)
LillyPillly Wed 06-Dec-17 13:19:14

My husband and I separated 2 weeks ago. It was my decision, but based on his dreadful behaviour. Not an ideal situation as I am currently 5 months pregnant and we have 3 young children 5,4 and 2.

Ever since I found out I was pregnant and our youngest was diagnosed with autism (on the same day)my husband started becoming distant and was spending as much time away from home as possible. Whenever he was home he was horrible. Snapping at me and the kids and not lifting a finger to help even though our 2 youngest are autistic and I am pregnant.

He bought a sports car ($105,000) even though we were supposed to be saving money for an extension and I asked him not to. He lost weight. I thought it was a midlife crisis or an affair. After 5 months of him being a total ass I told him I had had enough and wanted to separate. He breaks down and tells me he has a drug addiction and thats why he is acting this way etc. It explains everything, but it also doesn't excuse his behaviour.

We have been together for 11 years and he has always been very controlling, very selfish. In the past has been physically abusive, but now is more verbally abusive (calls me a bitch if he thinks I'm being mean etc), very emotionally abusive (now that we have split up I am the world to him and no-one will ever love me like he does, I am being selfish not to put the kids first and give him another chance, he will kill himself if we don't get back together etc). He got me fired from a previous job for being so possessive he would turn up at the office and yell at the admin staff asking where I was. He used to tell me he didn't like me wearing certain thing, certain perfumes, too much makeup etc.

To his credit, he has gotten better, but 3 kids in and he has never done a night feed, never changed a nappy and basically never been a father to his children. He earns a really high salary and thinks that is enough.

He has now said that if I don't want to get back with him he will move to the other side of the country, this means he will basically never see our kids. I am more than happy with never seeing him again, but I feel sad for the boys.

Anyway, sorry for the rant. I am basically asking if I am being unreasonable not to give him another chance. He keeps saying that even if I don't love him, we can still be together for the kids. But honestly, I am so happy being by myself since he moved out. I don't know if that is selfish of me, but I can't imagine having to deal with his crap ever again.

If you managed to get this far then please let me know if IABU. Thank you!!

hiyasminitsme Wed 06-Dec-17 13:21:08

he will move to the other side of the country, this means he will basically never see our kids

result
for all of you
sounds like they'll grow up much better balanced without him in their life

good luck with everything flowers

AlpacaLypse Wed 06-Dec-17 13:23:30

Read your own OP back. Would you advise any one of the rest of us to take him back? Thought not! Stay strong, you and your boys are far better off away from him.

TheWhyteRoseShallRiseAgain Wed 06-Dec-17 13:24:03

Agree with * hiya*

Wolfiefan Wed 06-Dec-17 13:24:33

I don't think it's selfish. Remember your children will grow up seeing your relationships as the norm. Would you want them to end up with a partner like this?
He sounds horrid. I'm so sorry.

ElBandito Wed 06-Dec-17 13:25:04

I wouldn't give him another chance. Do you really believe he will move away?

VivienneWestwoodsKnickers Wed 06-Dec-17 13:25:06

Let him move. Not that he will. He's just trying to control you again.

Stand firm.

LillyPillly Wed 06-Dec-17 13:26:38

Thank you all. His dad is currently telling him to leave me and the kids and start a new life, saying I am a liar and a bitch and how on earth could i ever want to leave his wonderful son. I do not want my sons to enter that cycle. I will stay strong.

Bluntness100 Wed 06-Dec-17 13:27:34

Agree. Total result. Wave him off. Try not to smile too much.

LillyPillly Wed 06-Dec-17 13:27:44

He has family on the other side of the country, he says he is only in this city for me (I have family here). It is very possible that he would leave. I can't imagine ever wanting to leave my children, but I guess that's his choice.

teaortequila23 Wed 06-Dec-17 13:29:38

I wouldn’t take him back.
Sounds like your going to need help have you got family nearby?

Furgggggg12 Wed 06-Dec-17 13:30:04

I got threatened with the same, and when I Eventually found the guts to get rid of him he left.

We are so much better off without him in our lives, in all ways.

LillyPillly Wed 06-Dec-17 13:32:35

tea Yes, I have my mum close by and also some amazing friends who have been helping with school drop offs and pickups etc

furg So glad to hear that you are happily separated, it gives me hope!

randomuntrainedcuntowner Wed 06-Dec-17 13:32:35

Good riddance. If he doesn't see his boys that's his choice. The fact you are so much happier since you separated speaks volumes.

ineedwine99 Wed 06-Dec-17 13:34:27

I would also say good result, he's not a dad, he's a waste of space and as sad as it is it sounds like you children will be better off away from him, they have all they need in you.
All the best OP

specialsubject Wed 06-Dec-17 13:34:39

11 years? Jeez.

Dump.

LillyPillly Wed 06-Dec-17 13:36:46

I spent all of my 20's with him sigh I'm now 31. Hopefully I didn't waste the best years of my life and they are yet to come, with my beautiful kids and without my ass of an ex smile

Trinity66 Wed 06-Dec-17 13:37:36

the fact that he's been physically abusive towards you should be enough of a reason on its own, nevermind alongside that extensive list. Best of luck to yourself and your kids

specialsubject Wed 06-Dec-17 13:42:03

Stick around and you only waste more time. BTW these sound like the worst years, it will get better.

FizzyGreenWater Wed 06-Dec-17 13:42:33

Get yourself to a lawyer, get as much as possible and let the scumbag go.

Your children will only benefit from the distance by the sound of it, sadly.

CheapSausagesAndSpam Wed 06-Dec-17 13:43:31

You're young and sound strong as anyone I've ever met OP...mentally. You sound like you know exactly where your going and down his warped path isn't it!

Bugger him....and his nasty behaviour. You and your children deserve WAY more than this shite.

Mummyoflittledragon Wed 06-Dec-17 13:43:37

I take it you live in the AUS/US or some other massive country as you’re quoting in dollars. That’s even better. Farther away the better.

PricillaQueenOfTheDesert Wed 06-Dec-17 13:44:44

Something I’ve found out in the course of my life is that giving people who have hurt me a second chance has always led to them hurting me again. All a second chance does is give them a second chance to prove to me that I was right to get rid of them after the first time.

Luckily for me my husband is aware of my No second chances rule. But obviously it’s up to you, you have a young family. At 31 the best years of your life are still ahead of you.

TalkinBoutWhat Wed 06-Dec-17 13:46:26

Don't you DARE give him another chance!!!

You deserve better than that waste of space. A good riddance to him AND his family. Your DCs will be much better off without his venom in their ears.

Starlight2345 Wed 06-Dec-17 13:47:03

I agree with all pp comments however I also want to add..His aim to get you back is a threat..Not I am going to turn my life around sort myself out...IT is for me a further example of his abuse.

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