Should I end this friendship or AIBU?(43 Posts)
I have a friend who I met years ago when life events sort of brought us together. She’s funny and kind at times. There is a lot I like about her.
She is very overweight which has affected her ability to have children. She has been on many diets and has tried and failed. She resigned herself to never having kids and has recently split from a very long term relationship.
DH & I started a family a number of years ago and have two DC. When DC1 was about 18 months, my friend came to stay with me while DH was away. I put DC to bed but we had ordered a takeaway and I stupidly forgot to ask them not to ring the doorbell. They rang the bell and DD woke up and started crying. She was notorious at that age for not going back to sleep if I went in to comfort her. Instead I chose to leave her to settle herself. She cried for 5 minutes and then nodded off again. Fast forward a few months and we were at a gathering with my friend & her parter and another couple who we are all friends with. I left the room and when I went to walk back in, I heard my friend telling them about how I had just left my daughter to cry it out and basically slaying me behind my back. Our mutual friends had newborn twins at the time so had no idea themselves about the toddler stage. Anyway, I put it down to my friend not having children and not understanding and I just got over it.
Anyway. Same friend was visiting this weekend. To cut a long story short, DD2 had missed her morning nap so was a little grumpy. We went into a café and I put DD2 in a high chair. She started to cry, so I lifted her out and popped peppa pig on my phone to distract her. DD2 doesn’t even watch tv as she’s not interested but I was desperate for her to settle down as I’m now always worried about my friend judging me. Anyway, she settled down very quickly but my friend suggested we should just go home and that way I could put her down for her nap. I was very grateful for her being so understanding. Then when we left, she said to me, “look, when you’re baby is crying and everyone’s staring at you, that’s when it’s time to leave”. I don’t know if I’m BU but I just felt very offended by this. She cried for about a minute and then I settled her. She makes me feel as though my kids are an inconvenience to her, if that makes sense, and like she’s constantly judging every decision I make. I just can’t relax around her at all. Should I keep making the effort or should I distance myself? Please help.
I can really see why this would upset you. It is awful to hear someone talking about you behind your back like that.
I think perhaps you are in an awkward situation as she may find it hard to relate to you now that you have children and she doesn't. Perhaps she is jealous and struggling to swallow her feelings and always thinking what she might do and this is causing her to be a bit snide. Or she is just is not very nice??!! She cant really understand what it is like to have kids and this will mean she might misjudge things and or begrudge your experiences - good or bad.
Maybe in a few years time it will sort itself out, but for now I would keep some distance. It is sad, but sometimes friendships fail if they cannot evolve No point spending time with someone who makes you feel tense and judged.
Thank you kinkajoukid. Another thing that has really been irritating me is, she keeps commenting on my weight. I’m 8 stone 12, 5 foot 4.5. Bar gaining weight when pregnant and losing weight after, I have consistently been this weight for 5 years, yet every time she sees me, she’ll say things like “god you’re disappearing” etc. It just doesn’t make me feel great about myself and I feel as though she should understand that it’s not nice to comment on others weight like that. I feel sad because we’ve been friends for years but I’m just totally losing interest in the friendship now, if that makes sense.
Id distance myself personally.
Shes giving you advice on children and making judgy comments when she has no idea of being a parent. Of course you can't say to her as you'd be the insensitive bitchy one whos rubbing her nose in it.
I would definitely distance myself or give her a strong put down such as my kids my decision
No point spending time with someone who makes you feel tense and judged
This says it all perfectly. Why would you.
I would pull back abit from here if she's making you uncomfortable with her comments, life is too short to waste on people who put you down. I would also say something if she comments on your parenting like that again
Step back, I would not want to be under scrutiny and judgement everytime I am with her, if its not that, it may be another thing. Distance yourself.
Kids make a lot of noise to non parents. I remember going out with a group of women and their kids to a local retaurant, it's got a courtyard and the kids were going crazy running around and yelling and climbing on stuff. Their mums were happy the kids were distracted so they could have half hours chat. But I felt amazed they could be ao unaware of the MASSIVE ruckus the kids were making, distracting everyone! When you have kids their noose becomes commonplace. When you don't they are uber noisy.
You're friend is either dealing with some heavy internal stuff or a bit of a bitch, or both. Up to you if you want to invest the time to find out more and salve the friendship.
YANBU. If you decide to give it one more try make sure you tell her every time she says/does something judgy. I would be tempted to tell her and not speak to her again but you may not be up for a fight.
I don't think this is a situation that can be resolved by you making more effort. She is actively judging your parenting from a position of no experience. She is judging your body probably as a deflection of her own issues.
Both of these indicate she has low respect for you as a person. She is assuming that you are making bad and wrong decisions and then feels justified to comment to you and others. Total lack of empathy.
Normal friends would see you seeming to fuck up in their opinion, have an internal judgy moment then remember that you are a general good egg and have a chat to you about what's going on. They won't preach at you.
So on that basis I'd say she's not a friend any more. She looks down on you.
I have a friend like this. They are exhausting, they don't change, and they do a lot of damage. Walk if you can.
1. It is time to leave when your children are crying (but properly crying not grumpy for a minute and then calm down). She clearly knows the rule but through inexperience doesn't really understand how to apply it.
2. You don't like her behaviour regarding commenting your parenting so you either need to end the friendship or stand up for yourself and just say something along the lines of "it's very rude to comment on other people's parenting especially when you know nothing about parenting." It's cold but it is just as bad of talking about how you just leave your children to cry behind your back.
To be honest a kid being left to cry themselves back to sleep is hard for a lot of people to comprehend, parents or not. It doesn’t give her the right to bitch about you but I can see why she could have been discomfited by it, especially as a non parent.
I’d also say a lot of people are also uncomfortable with babies crying in restaurants or cafes, and yes usually taking rhe kid outside to avoid disrupting others is usually the way to go, you don’t say how long or how loud your childs crying was, but it can make many people uncomfortable. If I felt it had went on a bit too long, if also consider telling you to just take the kid outside for awhile or to go home.
The weight issues are simply envy. I honestly think the relationship has ran it’s course and you both need to distance yourselves from one another,
Next time you meet up say. Hey you're getting awfully large . I'm guessing she'd be offended. Bloody cheek. You have little family now and your friendship seemed to be right prior to this. Sometimes people are only our friends for a short time in our lives. Time to move on. Enjoy your little ones and meet some new wonderful people
I don't think you need to announce the end of it in big lights, just put some distance there.
She sounds like she is jealous of you op. Is it worth explaining how you feel or would she take it badly? In any case she has no right to judge you. Especially if she doesn't have kids yet as she has no idea. The things I said before I had my son I cringe about now.
She is being a bitch.Talking about you behind your back is really mean.I had 1 as well that i had to let cry to sleep.Nothing would soothe him.
Babies and kids do be grumpy,theres really nothing can be done there.
And the weight thing,shes projecting .Next time she says it,I know im so lucky smile.
But otherwise just put some distance in.You dont need to explain yourself to people.
Can't you just be honest and say how those things are making you feel? If she's a good friend it's worth trying to salvage the friendship and to me it just sounds like insecurity/jealousy on her part. It's very difficult to accept you can't have children, particularly as she will probably blame herself if it's because of her inability to lose weight. If she takes offence the worst that can happen is you'll no longer have the friendship which is what you're contemplating anyway.
I think that I would have pulled back after the first incident.
If she was worried about your daughter she could have said something to you, not just bitch to others months later.
Second incident, seemed as if she had "got it", but then ruined it.
Obviously more concerned about what others were thinking than your daoghter.
My dd used to be like this as an older baby/toddler. Go and see her and comfort her, she’d be wide awake for hours in the middle of the night. It was so difficult to let her cry for a long time and eventually go to sleep. And it was a lot longer than 5mins! Dd always cried momentarily to go to sleep. It was part of her routine even when she slept in our room at a few months old. She only didn’t do it on the boob.
As bluntness says, it is hard to understand this as a non parent or a parent, whose children just drift off.
Your friend sounds jealous and insecure. Friendships change when we have children. It’s life changing. A bit of distance for a while would be a good idea. What she’s saying is about her, not you.
I think this is upsetting, but I'm not sure it's worth ending a friendship over. It sounds like she's ignorant of children, rather than being actively nasty. Maybe gently educate her the next time it happens? You don't have to be confrontational - but you can still set her straight about crying and the various techniques for dealing with it.
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