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Can't take anymore

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icanttakeit Wed 06-Dec-17 05:03:58

I can't believe I'm writing this, but I have to get it out and can't talk to anyone irl.
I've also nc, as I know I will regret it later.

Last night me and my husband had another blazing row. I'm convinced he's on heavy drugs and now on a downer. I went to bed at 10.30 and from then until now he's been sat on the bed telling me how he's leaving, I've fucked the kids life up, I'm pathetic just like my mother etc. And in the process woken up the baby 8 times.

Bit of back story as to how I ended up here. I can't believe I'm going to say this, I've never told anyone, tried to tell OH when we first met but he wasn't bothered. He said something along the lines of that's my past and I should deal with it. Anyway, I was abused from the age of 8 up until I was 13/14.
I spent everyday terrified, and to take control back I thought I was only good for one thing (I'm sure you get the picture). I met now husband when I was 15 and because I was so desperate to escape that situation, I married him at 17, I should have seen the warning signs from the beginning, but in my rush to escape my past I over looked that.

The last 12 years have been hell on earth, I've been beaten by oh, emotionally abused to the point I've questioned my own sanity.
Honestly, it's only my 3 dc that keep me going.
Im a Sahm, have no money, no car( he's written off the one I bought with my only savings) and now I feel like I well and truly have fucked up my kids life and I will have to explain to them why daddy has gone. Because I can't keep my mouth shut.

Not really a aibu but I had to let it all out.

icanttakeit Wed 06-Dec-17 05:07:38

I've had to come lay on the sofa, I'm just drained from hearing his voice. Every so often he keeps coming down the stairs to mutter something else under his breath.

BulletFox Wed 06-Dec-17 05:11:02

Oh gosh, you need to get out.

Can he hear you if you phoned someone right now? Have you got a nice hot drink?

Sorry you're going through this flowers

BulletFox Wed 06-Dec-17 05:14:51

I'd log it with the police, that sounds horrid.

I've been through an abusive relationship and know how much it creeps up on you over time and tires you out, but you need to take steps to get out and be healthy and happy

Cantchooseaname Wed 06-Dec-17 05:15:09

I know it’s dark, you are exhausted, and it feels like everything is broken, but you sound strong, like a survivor. This is not what you want for your kids. Your husband sounds awful. You and your kids will be better off without him and his drugs.
Do you have any rl support? Maybe gp is place to start. This is a start, a start of a life where you are important, as a strong woman.

icanttakeit Wed 06-Dec-17 05:17:27

Yes he probably could. Our bedroom is directly above the living room and he'd be able to hear if I go into the kitchen.
My parents hate him, and I don't want to involve them any more. They've seen too much already and aren't in the best of health.
I don't want this life any more. I don't want my children to be affected though.
I'm dreading taking the older dc to school in a few hours because I know once I'm back the shit is really going to hit the fan.
I've not slept and I've not eaten anything since Monday night. I'm tired mentally and physically.

BulletFox Wed 06-Dec-17 05:19:43

Can you have a snack & drink right now then try to rest? You'll need your energy back to deal with it smile

What sort of drugs is he on?

icanttakeit Wed 06-Dec-17 05:22:20

If I leave he will do everything in his power to make me even more miserable. I had a court order against him in 2013, I was granted one within 24 hours, but was too scared to go to court and follow through with anything else because he started coming to my parents house and just causing havoc in their garden, on the street.

He would turn up outside school and sit there, but would always disappear before the police turned up. He had someone follow me for 7 hours. In the end it was just easier to move back in with him.

Would the police do anything, he's not touched me, the words are hurting a lot more than anything physical could.

icanttakeit Wed 06-Dec-17 05:24:29

I feel sick, I have a lump in my throat, my mouth is dry. My chest feels heavy. It's so much effort just to breathe. I don't know how I'm writing this because my body is just numb.

I'm terrified of what's going to happen in a few hours. He may well leave but that won't be the end of it. He's coming now. I can hear him

Cantchooseaname Wed 06-Dec-17 05:29:13

Hold it together. Cute of tea.
Take the kids to school. Go in with them. There will be someone there who will help. Show them this, be honest.
I have worked on school for a long time. We would want to help- you and the kids. Stay safe, get out. The police will help.

BulletFox Wed 06-Dec-17 05:30:15

Yes the police would do something.

Please try to get a snack if you can, you need fuel

icanttakeit Wed 06-Dec-17 05:34:13

I don't want to be out of the house for too long, dd sleeps until 9.30 most mornings, I'm anxious to leave her.
He's threatened me before saying he will take the kids when I least expect it.

I can't see any way out. I'm at the bottom of this pit, and it's only bearable because of my dc. Even though he tells me when they are old enough they will see me for what I am and leave me to rot.
What did I do to deserve this, I remember being so happy until the age of 8.
Everything is just getting worse, especially now that I'm learning to stand up for myself. I can't help but defend myself, my parents etc when he's saying so many nasty hurtful things.

icanttakeit Wed 06-Dec-17 05:35:15

He's on cocaine and smokes weed multiple times a day. I can smell it off him but when I confront him he says I'm paranoid and imagining things.

Timetogetup0630 Wed 06-Dec-17 05:36:27

Sad for you OP.
You need a lot of support.
And you need to get out of the relationship before it does any more damage to you and the kids. You will all be better for it.
Sounds as though your children are quite little. How old are they.
Thinking about you.

bastardkitty Wed 06-Dec-17 05:36:54

Poor you. What a horrendous way to live. Don't come back from the school run. Don't walk back into that. Talk to the police and your local domestic violence service. It sounds like you need a refuge if you can get in. Take back your life. Too much of it has already been taken from you x

BulletFox Wed 06-Dec-17 05:37:54

Can you just get a nice drink, sneak out of the house and phone Samaritans 116123?

I'd phone you myself other than that I'm staying with an utterly bonkers relative who has already punched me in the face this week and might wake up and start shrieking grin

So yes, random muttering does feel threatening and horrible

Timetogetup0630 Wed 06-Dec-17 05:38:27

Call Womens Aid as soon as you get the chance.
Start to work on your exit plan.

Cantchooseaname Wed 06-Dec-17 05:38:48

Ask you dd to get up and go with you on school run- find an excuse that you need help.
There is help out there, take the first step to get it.

2sCompany Wed 06-Dec-17 05:40:01

Does he work? Can you wait for him to go out in the morning and get yourself out? Get the kids to school, act like everything is normal, wait for him to leave then gather your important documents, overnight bags for yourself and the children, head straight to your nearest women's aid.

I don't know where you are in the world but I am happy to help in any way I can, having gotten out of an abusive relationship myself. Please do pm me if you need to.

Mummyoflittledragon Wed 06-Dec-17 05:40:31

I agree with Cantchoose. Take all your children into school and get help from the staff there. Put some food, money and an extra water bottle in your dcs school bag. Ask them to call the police. Do not go home to get a beating. Can you pack this up now while he’s not with you? Please be strong and stay safe. flowers

icanttakeit Wed 06-Dec-17 05:41:02

He'd find me. His sister went to a refuge and he managed to track her down, talked her into coming back home.

My poor dc are 7, 5(next week) and the youngest is 8 months. I've apparently ruined middle dc birthday and Xmas because they will be without their dad.

Fuck!! I want to sleep and when I wake up to be living a different life

Timetogetup0630 Wed 06-Dec-17 05:42:34

...and no, you haven't fucked up your kids lives. Don't blame yourself for anything. You have had a very tough time, but I bet you are doing a great job as a Mum despite that. It sounds as if you really love your children.
How old are your kids ?

Mummyoflittledragon Wed 06-Dec-17 05:42:38

No you haven’t ruined anyone’s birthday or christmas. You’ve saved it.

Timetogetup0630 Wed 06-Dec-17 05:44:37

Cross post.
Your children are quite little.
No, you haven't ruined their lives. Ignore all that, it's part of the emotional abuse.

icanttakeit Wed 06-Dec-17 05:45:20

He works nights, it was his night off yesterday and that's when it's always happens. He's taken the house keys up to bed with him, I'm surprised he's not taken my phone.

SS have been involved before, when I went to court. He tells me if they are involved again they will take my kids, he will say everything he can against me to them.
I'm smart I KNOW this isn't true. But what if it is? He's messed with my head so much I can't think straight.

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