To feel so angry and confused(110 Posts)
Bear with me please, I'm probably about to write a long post.
I met DH when I was a single mum with one DS. The step parent situation has always been hard, it's never easy for anyone in that situation trying to work out boundaries and establishing relationships etc.
At the beginning it was particularly difficult and DH would get very angry. I tried to kick him out on two separate occasions but he refused to go and persuaded me we could sort it out.
Fast forward a few years and we are married, own a house and have DC2 on the way. The arguments are less often but his anger is still an issue for me. To give an example, tonight has been typical in how an argument between us goes:
I'm putting DS to bed.
DH - what's taking so long, it's late (imagine angry voice)
Me - we are just saying good night, do you want to cuddle DS?
DH cuddles DS but then starts trying to persuade him to keep the cat on his bed (DS does not want the cat on his bed at night and sleeps with his door shut anyway)
DS, reacting to the anger in his voice looks worried and starts saying he doesn't want him there and he wants his door shut. He stammers and stumbles over his words because he's getting nervous.
DH gets angrier and angrier demanding a proper reason, having a go at him for not speaking properly, being confrontational with DS and accuses him of not trusting us. Basically starts a massive fucking deal over nothing.
I'm biting my tongue not wanting to argue infront of DS but trying to work out how to stop this escalation.
DH turns to me and asks for me to confirm that we never forget anything for DS. I snap because it's simply not true.
I say we forget stuff quite a lot actually, forget when we've offered him a drink or that we've said we will do something etc. I tell DH that he's already pointed out it's late, we don't need this discussion now and tell him I want to finish putting DS to bed.
DH storms off huffing about me not supporting him.
I put DS to bed and shut the door behind me dreading what's coming next. DH accosts me outside the door and huffs and puffs when I ask to talk downstairs away from DS.
Get downstairs and he starts going on about DS not trusting us and that he was 'trying to instil some trust'.
I tell him that I don't think that was the issue at all, I'm making a lot of effort to be clear and calm. Try to explain and he cuts me off. I ask to finish and he says 'No, because you spoke when I wasn't finished'.
I told him I wasn't willing to continue and left the room. He follows to say some snipey things at me and I refuse to acknowledge him because I know from past experience how fast it will escalate and he was really making me angry as well as him being angry himself.
Thank you if you've read to here. I've cut it all down quite a lot to try and avoid being really boring but basically he sounds angry way too much. DS is sometimes afraid of telling him things because of how he will react, I can no longer finish/resolve an argument with him because of how fast it escalates and he ends up just saying stuff that's hurtful and doesn't even make sense.
He tries to blame me, says he only reacts the way he does because of how I make him feel. Tells me I've made the argument bad by walking away or some other reason like telling me he's only angry because I've not told him sooner or something. Tonight he angrily said to me 'why can't we have an argument without you always blowing up?!'.
I don't know if I've really got this across right. I don't know what to do any more. I can't face him tonight, I've gone to bed. I've sent him a message saying how upset I am and told him I don't want to talk to him tonight. I'm already hormonal and fragile today and he knows that.
He is low level angry every day and I feel takes it out on DS. When I step in we have a massive row, I address everything with him and he promises he's taken on board what I've said.
He isn't taking it on board though is he? He refuses couple counselling..
Can I fix this? Please tell me i can fix it
I dont think you can tbh.
He sounds awful.
I dont think his behaviour is your fault or your responsibility.
Your poor son.
You can by leaving and giving your poor son the opportunity to live in a calm household without a fuckwit in it.
Read your post back. This is awful.
Your son is scared of him. He takes his anger out on him. He blames you. He snipes and goads you. He persuaded you to ignore his anger and just marry him.
Why would you stay?
He stammers and stumbles over his words because he is getting nervous.
Get the fuck out of that relationship before your ds is suffering even more.
And I speak as a dm who's ds is still having therapy ten years after leaving exh. He toke as a bully and a control freak. I stayed far far too long not having the mh to leave sooner. Leave while you are still strong op.
You do know this will get worse when DC2 comes along? Your poor DS will feel more isolated and unloved and second to the new baby? He does not love your son by the sounds of things.
Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.
Can I fix this? Please tell me i can fix it
No. You need to do what you should have done long ago, get your son out of this toxic environment before he is affected any more than he already is.
that poor child. How many years has he had to live like the already?
Omg, your poor child. Are you seriously going to stay and put your son through this? He's abusing him.
@belleoftheball8 please don't be nasty to me. I've tried to explain my best here but anyone who lives a real life knows nothing is black and white. He is wonderful in many ways and does lots of lovely things for DS. When he is like this it's been almost entirely away from DS, apart from this thing tonight.
The thing is, he genuinely has no idea that he's coming across so angry. He just doesn't understand. When I explain to him he is baffled and can't understand why I'm reacting so badly to what is funnily enough his good intentions, executed in a terrible way
What a horrible man. He’s making your son anxious.
Feel a bit sick reading this
No. YOu can't fix this. Sadly, you married him, so it will feel harder to leave, but you have to get your child(ren) out of there and away from that abusive, angry asshole
Oh god your poor child. How can you let him bully ds like that?
Your partner is a bully. Please take your son out of this situation.
He is wonderful ???? He is an aggressive bully who causes your son distress and to stammer don’t dress it up as something else. I have ds from previous relationship. I met dh and he has never been abusive towards ds and if he had he would have long been gone. It wouldn’t have gotten to the stage of marriage and another on the way. Your poor son!
You married him knowing he had a problem with anger? All you can do now is pick up the pieces and find a way for your DC to grow up in peace. This will probably involve parting company.
He won't change I can promise you that. Your children have to come first.
If he was like this all the time you would never have married him so I understand he has good bits but they're not enough.
My ex’s step father was excately the same way as your partner he has a very low point of view of his mother for it allowing him to be treated second best.
When he is like this it's been almost entirely away from DS, apart from this thing tonight
Then why do you say ^ DS is sometimes afraid of telling him things because of how he will react^ and so on?
He sounds very manipulative and he is trying to blame you for his failings. Sadly there are no easy answers in a situation like this but you might benefit from counselling - a neutral person to help you figure out whether you want to try and make the best of things or whether you (and your children) are better off leaving.
FFS he sounds vile. Your poor child having to put up with living like this because of your 'need' to be in a relationship no matter how shitty. Your partner is emotionally abusing your child and you are colluding with him. What on earth would possess you to have a child with this man. By all means make shitty choices for yourself but don't inflict them on your children.
I would not tolerate - not even for a minute - any man who makes my DS stammer with anxiety. Never mind what 'redeeming qualities' he may possess. He'd be out on his ear. End of.
Your DS is frightened of his stepdad, in his own bedroom, where he should feel safe and secure. You owe it to your child to remove him from that situation.
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