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Unhappy AIBU

(37 Posts)
IEA Tue 05-Dec-17 21:58:14

Bit of an awkward one.
I’m 34, been with my husband for nearly 14 years, married for nearly 5. We have 3 children, 11, 7 & 2. He’s a good husband, provides for us all, is a great dad. He’s my best friend & I do love him.....but that’s about it. To put it bluntly, we’ve had sex once in the last YEAR! I’m so desperately unsatified with our sexlife. When we do have sex, I’m lucky if it lasts 10 minutes. I’m increasingly having thoughts about other men, 1 in particular, mainly for meaningless sex, nothing more.
I really don’t know what to do. I’ve tried talking to him but obviously it’s awkward.
I feel stuck. I don’t work, his choice, will go back to work when our youngest starts school. Definitely no plans to have anymore kids. House in his his name, cars in his name, I literally have nothing. I can’t leave & wouldn’t want to do that to my children.
I’m so unhappy I don’t know what to do.
I’m not saying that sex is the be-all-&-end-all but I feel I’m living a miserable existence where my life is so incredibly boring & lacks any kind of passion & that’s not right for s person my age. It’s been like this for a long time. The only times we’ve had sex on a regular basis was when we were trying for our last to children (1st was unplanned). Our sexlife has never been that great. I’ve tried spicing it up but he just doesn’t seem bothered.
I’m miserable.
What do I do?

PotteringAlong Tue 05-Dec-17 22:04:33

Talk to him?

IEA Tue 05-Dec-17 22:06:02

Done that, does nothing

LittleLights Tue 05-Dec-17 22:08:03

What are his reasons for lack of sex?

RandomMess Tue 05-Dec-17 22:09:33

Financially you have protection as you married.

I would tell him that things really are that bad from your point of view that you are considering divorce. Give him the opportunity to decide if he wants to work it out or not.

AnyFucker Tue 05-Dec-17 22:10:09

You are married

All the assets are joint

Just sayin'

IEA Tue 05-Dec-17 22:10:30

He doesn’t really seem to have any?! I just don’t think he’s that bothered about it. I am though

kaytee87 Tue 05-Dec-17 22:14:20

@AnyFucker that might not be strictly true depending when things were bought etc.

Op I'd sit down and tell him you feel financially vulnerable and that you don't think it's fair that everything is in his name while he wants you to stay off work. Get title deeds changed over etc.

Have a separate conversation about sex. What have you said to him so far about your sex life?

Iloveanimals Tue 05-Dec-17 22:15:41

I'm sorry. Have you talked to him and said that you are not happy and is he willing to seek help? If he's not that is not your fault. On the other hand he has rights too and he doesn't have to have sex if he doesn't want to. Unfortunately it is a make or break situation. It either gets fixed, I.e he gets help. Or it doesn't and you part.

AnyFucker Tue 05-Dec-17 22:17:39

Yes Kaytee. It's more ythan than likely op would be awarded more than 50% in a divorce as she is main carer for the dc. At least until they are of age.

IEA Tue 05-Dec-17 22:24:45

I’ve just said that I don’t find our sexlife satisfying & that we don’t have sex often enough. Makes it awkward though coz then I feel like I’ve put pressure on the situation & sex is a bit of a “chore” after that.

kaytee87 Tue 05-Dec-17 22:25:33

Possibly but I do know someone who got very little as her husband bought his house before they married. Op should get some legal advice if she does plan to leave. Hopefully it won't come to that for her.

LittleLights Tue 05-Dec-17 22:26:47

Could you just "jump on him" and take it from there?

Would he push you away or use excuses to avoid having sex?

kaytee87 Tue 05-Dec-17 22:26:52

What has he said to that? Does he have any outside pressures at all? He may just have no sex drive and he might be happy like that but he needs to be honest with you.

LittleLights Tue 05-Dec-17 22:27:28

Pressed post too soon

Is he depressed?

Any trouble "rising to the occasion?"

kaytee87 Tue 05-Dec-17 22:29:21

I wouldn't suggest jumping on someone who doesn't want to have sex. I'd be pretty upset if my dh did that to me. There's gentler ways of initiating sex, I'm assuming op is doing that and he's turning her down.

CheeriosEverywhere Tue 05-Dec-17 22:30:55

Is he gay?

Iloveanimals Tue 05-Dec-17 22:31:39

Jumping on someone is rather rude isn't it?? And I doubt you'd be giving that advice to a man with his wife? Just saying. Men have rights too ya know. ;)

FlouncyDoves Tue 05-Dec-17 22:31:44

Have an affair?

IEA Tue 05-Dec-17 22:32:09

He’s not really said very much as it’s an embarrassing conversation to have. He kind of acknowledges that it’s an issue but then nothing changes. I’ve tried the whole jumping on him thing & he just thinks I’m being weird or just ignores me, rolls over & pretends to be asleep

Quartz2208 Tue 05-Dec-17 22:33:20

They have been together for 14 years with an 11 year old I would be surprised if all assets are joint

IEA Tue 05-Dec-17 22:33:32

I don’t think he’s gay! I’d be VERY surprised

IEA Tue 05-Dec-17 22:35:23

Doesn’t seem to be any problems rising to the occasion when it does happen, it’s all over pretty quickly after that though

cathyclown Tue 05-Dec-17 22:36:10

Depression, prescribed drugs for other issues that have that side effect?

CheeriosEverywhere Tue 05-Dec-17 22:36:18

Is he affectionate outside of sex? Hand holding, hugs, kisses etc? Does he say he loves you? Was your sex life ever good?

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