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To think this isn't my fault? She should have told me

(43 Posts)
CactusJelly00 Tue 05-Dec-17 18:38:25

My sister, who has had alcohol problems and is a current shopping addict (but often lies, minimises etc) is unsurprisingly having difficulties.
She will borrow £10 off another family member, then be drinking or wearing a brand new jacket the next day, or going somewhere to eat... she will order takeaways on a Sunday, post it on social media then by Wednesday will be begging for money around friends and family because she doesn't have enough food. Or going to my mums house and raiding the freezer for food for her ds.
She has a young son so few will refuse.

She asked me for money a few days ago. I asked what for she said it was for food. I asked her to write me a list and then used my uk card (I'm overseas) to do a tesco order. I got everything on the list, plus perhaps foolishly some treats for her and her ds, some snacks etc and a magazine and some bath bombs for her. I also added on lots of dried foods I know they will eat as they keep for ages.
The total for this shop was over £200.
It arrived and she initially said thank you seemed grateful and I was happy to have helped. However tonight she's woken me up (its night time here) texting me a massive rant about how inconsiderate I am. I was pretty shocked and asked her wtf she was on about.
Turns out she has a pet - I wasn't aware of this, she didn't have one when I left the uk (not that long ago, less than 1yr) no one has mentioned it. She didn't ask for pet food or anything pet orientated and I didn't think to ask really!

Aibu to think she's being an ungrateful twat and she should put pet food on the list if she wanted it? I'm feeling a bit sad as I was trying to do something nice for her to ease the pressure in the run up to Christmas (as well as of course the favour she'd asked me for)

Macaroni46 Tue 05-Dec-17 18:41:15

Ofcourse she's BU. How ungrateful of her. You were being kind and helpful. She gave you a list which you followed plus extras.
I would distance myself from her. She's using you

Cupoteap Tue 05-Dec-17 18:41:53

You have done something nice, unfortunately it could be she is drunk

Chrys2017 Tue 05-Dec-17 18:43:06

Well clearly if you didn't know she has a pet and she didn't put pet food on her shopping list you WNBU not to buy her pet food...
Don't expect an alcoholic with other addiction problems to behave rationally.
That was a very nice thing you did.

Shen0102 Tue 05-Dec-17 18:43:06

She's being ungrateful, does she realise you could have said 'No' to her ?

AnnetteCurtains Tue 05-Dec-17 18:43:47

That's really hurtful of her . I suspect whatever you do will be wrong though

Glumglowworm Tue 05-Dec-17 18:44:07

Fucking hell what a dick! Your sister I mean not you!

You did a very kind thing, and got it thrown back in your face for something that was not your fault. From the sound of it, you’d have bought her pet stuff if she’d put it on the list or even if you were just aware it existed.

I wouldn’t be rushing to lend her any more money or do her any more favours

StefMay Tue 05-Dec-17 18:45:35

YANBU. She shouldn't get a pet if she can't afford to care after and feed it.
Definitely do not give cash - you have done best thing by sending food.
Just make sure she doesn't get the receipt to do any exchanges.. ...

CactusJelly00 Tue 05-Dec-17 18:45:39

No one ever really says no to her tbh.
I have done in the past which is why this is the first time she's asked me in... I'm not even sure how long tbh. 9-10 months at least. And it's also why I wasn't happy to just send cash. But I don't think I'll do it again for her if she's going to treat me like this. I don't know what she expects me to do, or why if it was so important pet food didn't make it onto the list, nor was it brought up when the shopping first arrived.

Creatureofthenight Tue 05-Dec-17 18:45:50

You're right, she's an ungrateful twat. I expect she doesn't remember that she never told you about the pet.

CactusJelly00 Tue 05-Dec-17 18:46:10

It was an online order as I'm overseas. As far as I'm aware any refunds would come to my card anyway?

Sn0tnose Tue 05-Dec-17 18:47:07

You did a lovely, thoughtful thing.

I may be being particularly suspicious but my first thought was that she's trying to manipulate you into feeling so guilty that Fido is going to go hungry that you'll just transfer money to her so she can spend it on alcohol.

toriatoriatoria Tue 05-Dec-17 18:47:30

That's so ungrateful. I wouldn't send her cash. It's a tricky one but I wouldn't be rushing to help her out again in the future.

ijustwannadance Tue 05-Dec-17 18:48:14

Is she doing it because she thought you'd then transfer her some cash?

Don't buy her anything else.

Allthebestnamesareused Tue 05-Dec-17 18:50:17

Text her back and say Sorry how unreasonable of me to spend £200 on shopping for you. I'll not do it again!

KarmaStar Tue 05-Dec-17 19:01:48

You're clearly a lovely sister and did a really generous and sensible thing(to buy food rather than send cash😊).
Sounds like she was drunk when she went off on her rant having been faced with the responsibility of feeding her dog and couldn't handle it so off loaded onto you.
I would be wary about helping again but that's so easy to say when it's not my sister......I really feel for you because if your family set up a safety network of care and financial support because of her DS,is she ever going to accept she needs to sober up,grow up and look after him herself?
The situation is absolutely not your fault.
If the child and or dog is are being neglected then ,in my opinion,this should be reported so that the correct procedures can be put in place.

QueenAravisOfArchenland Tue 05-Dec-17 19:06:52

Call me cynical, but until you see date-stamped photos of your sister AND this pet and/or actually meet it, I wouldn't necessarily believe in its existence, because if it existed, wouldn't she have brought it up when she first received the shop?

I think she's trying to wangle some cash out of you directly by getting you to sympathise with this mythical "pet" since her DS is already provided for and it's obvs not worth doing another shop just for a pet.

Addicts lie.

YouCantArgueWithStupid Tue 05-Dec-17 19:15:57

I doubt she's got a pet and she's hoping you'll zap her £20 or whatever for pet food

timeisnotaline Tue 05-Dec-17 19:18:19

Message back 'I can't believe you have a pet and you FORGOT ABOUT IT when you wrote the list for me! Please tell me you still remember you have a child?!'

Footle Tue 05-Dec-17 19:24:15

But you have saved her so much money on food for herself and her son. She can now go shopping and treat the llama/parrot/sea lion with her very own money.

kaytee87 Tue 05-Dec-17 19:25:11

Wow she's an arsehole. Op you did a lovely thing thanks

Namechangetempissue Tue 05-Dec-17 19:26:22

I would ignore her and never ever lend her a penny again -cash or shopping. Ungrateful cow.

StefMay Tue 05-Dec-17 19:27:14

She can take the food back to a supermarket and ask for an exchange.... for booze... sorry flowers

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Tue 05-Dec-17 19:29:44

Massively ungrateful twat!

You asked her for a list. She sent you a list. You bought everything on the list plus more.

And yet you are supposed to buy pet food for a pet you didn't know she had?

You and your family need to stop enabling her. Cut her off. Look after her DS but she can go to fuck. I know you are overseas but do your parents live near her?

DeadGood Tue 05-Dec-17 19:30:59

“Message back 'I can't believe you have a pet and you FORGOT ABOUT IT when you wrote the list for me! Please tell me you still remember you have a child?!'”

Agree with this.

OP please don’t even think about apologising. What is she actually asking for right now - is she just sounding off about you leaving pet food off, or is she actually asking for money to cover it?

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