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To think you should either accept the shit in the relationship or LTB, not try to change them?

(17 Posts)
Fintons Tue 05-Dec-17 13:07:01

I've been on a couple of relationship threads recently (I'm sure a lot of you are aware of some of them) where the poster is complaining about shitty behaviour from their OH (and everyone agrees it is shitty behaviour, although I'm NOT discussing abusive relationships but also not referring to the odd petty squabble over making a cup of tea, I'm talking about substantial relationship issues).

It seems like there are an awful lot of people staying with an OH who they're fundamentally unsuited to or who behaves appallingly in the hope that they can make them change which just seems utterly fruitless and not really right to me.

Obviously they're completely reasonable in not wanting the OH to behave that way, but AIBU to think that if you don't LTB then you're signing up to accept that shitty behaviour? Surely YWBU to expect a person to in essence change their personality to suit you, even if they are an arse? Surely when you are in a relationship it should be on a take it or leave it basis?

ThisLittleKitty Tue 05-Dec-17 13:13:39

Yanbu but I find people tend to stay for the kids as they don't want to be a single mum.

lanbro Tue 05-Dec-17 13:18:33

It's not as easy as that though, is it?

I've recently left my husband, and in hindsight it should have happened a long ago. I wasn't ready though, I felt like I would have been a failure, and it's not usually all bad.

Now, I feel empowered, I feel 100% sure of my decision and I am happy all the time. I'm lucky that I have a lot of family support, many people don't. I'm lucky that I'm financially stable, many people could not support themselves.

If people want to rant to strangers about their relationship they absolutely can. Hopefully some of the responses will resonate with them and help them on their way...

LeCroissant Tue 05-Dec-17 13:27:22

Unless you're planning on using some complicated behaviour modification methods, it's not possible to change someone else anyway. They have to change themselves. So anyone who expects to change someone else is wasting their time.

It is possible to talk to someone and give them the impetus to change but only if that person is fundamentally kind and what they're doing is genuinely because they don't know any better. It requires real listening and a desire to change. Rare, IME.

haarlandgoddard Tue 05-Dec-17 13:38:43

I don’t think the majority of people actually kid themselves that they can change someone.

They just don’t want to be alone.

I suppose sometimes you might think well what are you posting for then but sometimes people just want a bit of advice and sympathy through shitty times even if nothing can be done about it.

Fintons Tue 05-Dec-17 13:46:22

I agree it's not easy to leave.

fastfrank Tue 05-Dec-17 13:49:29

A family member of mine is in a long term relationship with an utter bell end who was a bell end when they got together and she continues to act surprised when he behaves like a bell end. I don't get it at all. None of his behaviour has changed at all in their entire relationship so I don't understand how she can complain.

DesignedForLife Tue 05-Dec-17 13:55:03

Dunno, I think couples should work together to find a compromise in such situations. Of course there's a problem if one doesn't want to work at things.

swingofthings Tue 05-Dec-17 14:00:34

Couples go through difficult times. When they do, each point to the other's faults and believe that they are the reasons for the problems. Thankfully, many just have good old moans, whether to friends, family or here, and then agree to discuss things and realise that it's not as bad as felt at the time, whilst working on some things. It's not about changing, it's about evolving.

I'm far from perfect, nor is my OH. We are unlikely to change radically, I moan about him, and so does he (if he doesn't, he thinks it!), but all in all, we love each other and want to be together forever. Some times are hard, some times are fantastic, but I do know for a fact that I'm in it for the long haul, as per our vows, the better and the worse.

DayKay Tue 05-Dec-17 14:02:22

My dh changed and one of friend’s dh’s changed too.
At the heart of it, They were both a bit selfish and prioritised their own lives and work above everything else.
When it came to the crunch, my dh realised that he loved me and the kids and wanted us all to be happy.
My friends dh actually moved out and then realised that wasn’t a life he wanted.
In both situations, they wanted to change and were able to. I don’t think anyone can change someone else though.

BertieBotts Tue 05-Dec-17 14:05:28

You will not usually change someone, but I don't think it's foolish to talk to somebody about what's bothering you and see if they are willing to change bits of it or if there's a middle ground or something.

But I agree if you have to keep saying the same things then a person isn't going to change. And it's definitely take or leave - never ever marry or have a(nother) DC with someone in the hope that they'll "grow up" or anything like that.

DJBaggySmalls Tue 05-Dec-17 14:05:53

Yanbu, I dont think other people are projects for me to work on.

I've found out things about a partner that meant they lied to me from the start, and I ended it straight away. Better a single parent than a victim IMO.

Firesuit Tue 05-Dec-17 14:11:43

Yes, just leave. Get divorced.

So what if you will have to work ten extra years to repurchase half of a house you already paid for all by yourself.

So what if it means you will be able to live with your children for the majority of their childhood.

Firesuit Tue 05-Dec-17 14:12:19

not be able to live.

peachgreen Tue 05-Dec-17 14:19:12

YANBU, but I do think it's hard to see that when you're in the situation. I stayed with someone for a decade thinking he would change. He never did. But it was hard to leave because he wasn't ALL bad and I was scared of being alone.

Am so glad I did though - I love DH just as he is and wouldn't change a thing.

Fintons Tue 05-Dec-17 14:28:18

Yes, totally Peach. I've done it too and it was impossible to see at the time.

Fire, I'm not saying it's easy or trivial or inconsequential to leave.

Fintons Tue 05-Dec-17 14:30:51

Of course it's different if someone raises an issue and the OH responds by realising they're at fault and changing.

I'm really thinking of the scenarios that involve an ongoing grievance where the OH can't or won't change.

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