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DP still seeing his old MIL

(59 Posts)
BubbaFishy Tue 05-Dec-17 09:48:54

Sorry - bit of a long one to get as much info in as poss.

I've been with my current DP for 6 months now. Get on great, but had our first big falling out on the weekend.

Basically he split up with previous GF about a year and a half ago but has stayed in contact with her mum, meeting up, going for dinner once/twice a month.

Initially I found it a bit odd but he's a sweet guy. Alarm bells started when he said she had text him one evening to say she was in bed and cold and needed someone to warm her up......

I expressed my unhappiness but I'm not the type to tell someone they should stop seeing someone. He needs to make that decision himself. It was left that I didn't want to hear about her.

Just before we met he had a seizure. Then a couple of months later he had another one. One weekend he went a bit cold and said he wanted a weekend to himself which is fair but was a bit sudden.

I confess the following weekend I checked his phone to see if there was more to it. Turns out the ex MIL had been over to cut his hair (not that particular weekend) but he'd told me he had gone to the local barbers. Lie number 1

It's been eating away at me a bit, but I didn't want to bring it up then. Friday night he went to bed early and left his phone in the lounge so I confess I read it again.

A few weekends ago he had told me he was going for leaving drinks for a colleague on the Friday and could I go over Saturday. Turns out he had actually made plans with her. He was then ill so bailed on both of us the whole weekend.

Then he saw her two Fridays on the trot when I was already busy. The first I was oblivious too, but the second one he had used the work colleagues excuse again, at which point I even asked if he was lying as he never socialises with colleagues normally.

We then bumped into her while we were out on Saturday. Fortuitous timing?
He didn't introduce us so I was stood awkwardly smiling at her. I got a cob on at this point. We then kept bumping into them through the day. We were in quite a big city!
A bit later on I said I wasn't stupid and was under no illusion they had been out to which he said he hadn't seen her since August time. So lied to my face about it.

A few hours later we had a calm discussion about it and I owned up to reading his phone so told him I knew he had been lying.

He said he only did it as I said I didn't want to hear about it. He wasn't mad about me reading his phone. He said we should be able to pick up each others without panicking about what we're going to find, and there really was nothing else worth noting when I looked.

AIBU to be annoyed that they are staying in touch or are my own insecurities making it seem a much bigger thing than it really is? My track record of lying men isn't great but I try so hard not to tar everyone with the same brush

Sorry for the massively long post

BubbaFishy Tue 05-Dec-17 09:53:14

Sorry, should add, he and the ex were together for four years and he helped ex MIL massively by being guarantor at one point on her mortgage which he assures me is no longer the case.

ijustwannadance Tue 05-Dec-17 09:53:19

Just leave him. It's honestly not worth the head space.

I also find it a bit eewwww that his ex MIL is texting him that she needs someone to warm her up in bed.

WhatCanIDoNowPlease Tue 05-Dec-17 09:53:42

Well he's a liar and apart from that it all seems a bit... inappropriate ...with his ex's mother.

toooldforthisshirt37 Tue 05-Dec-17 09:57:11

I would find this very odd. Any other woman sending my man a text saying she needed "someone" to warm her bed would wind me up. To then find he had been seeing her and lying about it would be a massive red flag.

He only had to say he was meeting her, you not wanting to hear about her doesn't mean he lies when he is seeing her.

His behaviour is bizarre and I wonder if that is why his last relationship finished? Who woudl want a partner to be that close to their mum?

MyBrilliantDisguise Tue 05-Dec-17 10:01:07

Both he and his MIL sound as though they have a serious problem with boundaries. I wonder whether his ex knows her mum is texting that sort of thing to her ex SIL?

I would imagine he is still a guarantor. That's the point of being a guarantor, isn't it? You don't do it for five minutes; it's there in case you don't meet your financial commitments.

Basically he's a liar without boundaries - completely unattractive.

GreatDuckCookery Tue 05-Dec-17 10:04:52

She needed someone to warm her up?? shock how old is she? That’s a very odd comment to make. Does she fancy him?

Starlighter Tue 05-Dec-17 10:07:35

Well he’s meeting up with another woman behind your back and has lied about it. It’s quite odd (and suspicious) that he didn’t introduce you and it’s all just a bit weird and icky, isn’t it.

Unless he’s the love of your life and an amazing catch in all other ways, I think I’d bail on this relationship. You’re only 6 months in, this is supposed to be the honeymoon period!! What’s he doing cancelling on his girlfriend to meet up with his ex mil?! Bizarre.

TrinitySquirrel Tue 05-Dec-17 10:09:51

Ltb. hmm

What a bloody weirdo.

midnightmisssuki Tue 05-Dec-17 10:11:47

she needs someone to 'warm her bed up'? shock

Why did they break up? (your partner and his ex) was it because she found out that he fancied her mother??

Leave him OP - he has serious boundary issues.

FuzzyCustard Tue 05-Dec-17 10:13:52

I'd have no issues at all with someone seeing their ex MIL- if it was a normal Mil relationship. This doesn't sound like that.

Nikephorus Tue 05-Dec-17 10:20:51

I'd have no issues at all with someone seeing their ex MIL- if it was a normal Mil relationship. This doesn't sound like that.
This ^^ I was going to say that seeing his old MIL was lovely, and I can see why he might lie if he thought you were going to have an issue all the time, but the being cold in bed comment is just odd.

JaneEyre70 Tue 05-Dec-17 10:21:38

I wouldn't have any issue with him seeing her still if there was a genuine affection between them, but that warming her up in bed message goes way beyond any acceptable boundaries! I still see my former BIL regularly as my sister and I are NC, and he's maintained a lovely relationship with my DDs as he's been in their lives since the day they were born. But I'd be very concerned OP that he feels the need to lie about it........ I think you need to evaluate how much this relationship means to you, because any lies would be a deal breaker for me.

HopingForSomeSnow Tue 05-Dec-17 10:22:24

He's lying to you - so time to dump and move on.

inlectorecumbit Tue 05-Dec-17 10:23:49

It's the lying that would be the deal breaker for me.

Branleuse Tue 05-Dec-17 10:24:37

id put a bet on this being part of the reason he split with his ex.

run away!

Hoppinggreen Tue 05-Dec-17 10:24:46

Who she is is irrelevant
They are being inappropriate and he is lying about it. Dump him

VeganIan Tue 05-Dec-17 10:24:47

Why did they break up? (your partner and his ex) was it because she found out that he fancied her mother?? <<< this hmm

whiskyowl Tue 05-Dec-17 10:25:03

I was coming onto this thread to say that when relationships break down, sometimes other relationships around them stay friendly. But this is quite strange - the subterfuge, the lies, the flirtatious text in particular all have my spidey senses jangling. It really doesn't sound right

Silverthorn Tue 05-Dec-17 10:26:22

Well you did ask him not to tell you anything about her. But, the trust has gone and it's only been 6months. Bin him and move on. Maybe work on your self esteem a bit before embarking on a new relationship.

Fluffycloudland77 Tue 05-Dec-17 10:26:41

He's shagging her.

tellitlikeitispls Tue 05-Dec-17 10:29:15

What fluffy said

Italiangreyhound Tue 05-Dec-17 10:29:37

He's lying to you, he's got some kind of a relationship going with his ex mother in law.

Do you want to stay with him? If so, stay. If not, move on.

I don't think there is a lot of point talking to him about all this but if you want to, go ahead.

If you are asking if this is weird, yes, I think it is. I don't think it is acceptable and I would say if you have only been together 6 months and have no kids then better to move on, I am not sure you will change him.

Italiangreyhound Tue 05-Dec-17 10:31:32

Sorry, of course you have no kids together if you have only been together six months!

Do you want kids? Do you imagine a problem having kids with him? If the answer to these two questions is yes, then move on, for your own sake.

BubbaFishy Tue 05-Dec-17 10:33:17

Thanks all. That's the comment that really got me and he said he was sure she didn't mean anything by it. It was a message that had been sent before he even met me and in the messages I saw, there was nothing inappropriate about them.

She does know all about me and she knew exactly who I was when we bumped into them on Saturday. She's doing OLD herself, but I think there's a bit of desperation there.

He is quite naive - only had 2 girlfriends, and he's 29! He is naturally very quiet and withdrawn. This hasn't changed in 6 months.

We get on really well, and we have done so much in the past 6 months, more than I've done with anyone else.

Sorry - sounds like I'm making excuses. He still lied. I said he should have just said he was seeing a friend. I can read between the lines.

We have a bloody trip booked over NYE which is all prepaid, non-refundable. Such a PITA

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