Ungrateful BIL and Secret Santa

[Mymycherrypie]

I've picked my BILs new GF in the secret santa. It's his first serious gf. At first I was really pleased about this because she's really nice, we are very similar and share a particular fandom. So I thought, great, there are so many things I can get her!

I asked him about a couple of things - one was tickets to see a show about this fandom that I thought they'd both like as he's taking her to something else related and it's on a similar vein but has a different element. No apparently that's a shit idea, it's rubbish, who would want to go to that (his gf would but because I've suggested it, it's shit)

I suggested a few other things that she might like and everything has been no.

Fine. Try something else. The next was a commemorative silver piece that wasn't expensive but it was really really cool, and only available from one place so small but special to someone in to this particular thing. He didn't know what it was when I asked. I explained. He said no, that's also shit, she'd hate that, wtf use does that have, (it's a practical household item by the way) it's a waste, totally rubbish. I said it's a bit more personal than some generic shower gel set and it would only be part of the present and as she liked xxx thing it might be nice. More disdain from him and I was told that at least a shower gel set would get used (So naive, I never use mine, I donate them to charity) When I say these things were cheap, they'd be even less than 5% of our secret santa budget.

He's been so rude and ungrateful and unwilling to think outside the box and look at imaginative presents as a complement to a bigger more generic thing. At this point I'm just going to get her a shower gel set and when she looks disappointed, say oh - that's what BIL suggested as it's useful. AIBU

[Trailedanderror]

Why are you even discussing it with him?
It's a present from you to her. And it's a secret Santa.

[TheNewSchmoo]

Buy what you want and don't ask him.

[EndoplasmicReticulum]

Why are you asking him? Ignore him. Get her what you think she would like.

[Mymycherrypie]

Because she's very new to the family and I didn't want to embarrass her on Christmas Day with something she might completely hate. She's really shy. We do discuss with partners what each other would like, my DH has spoken to my other SIL about what I want.

[LemonRedwood]

No, YANBU. Get her one of your ideas and thank your lucky stars you didn't pick BIL in the secret santa.

[LouHotel]

Get the tickets to the show she likes.

[Bambamber]

Stop asking him. You obviously know the sorts of things she likes, So go ahead and get her something you know she would appreciate. Sod what he thinks

[elfycat]

BIL didn't get her as HIS Secret Santa, so he doesn't get to pick. Buy her what you want to, it sounds like you know better than he does (unless he's nicking your ideas for her).

Stop talking to him about it. If he whinges afterwards take him somewhere quiet and tell him to FO.

[OhNoOhNo]

Why are you punishing her for his arsiness?

Why would a thoughtful present embarrass her?

OP, you're overthinking this. Just be grateful you don't have to buy for BIL and get her the fandom tickets.

[Hmmalittlefishy]

Don't discuss it with him and buy what you think she will like.
It sounds nds like you have thought of some really nice and personal ideas for her rather the generic 'grab a cheap bath set' like my sil does
At least she will have one nice present to open on Christmas day. I dread to think what bil will get her

[BackforGood]

You've already said that you are similar and share a particular fandom not that I know what that means so just get her something you suspect she would like.
Sounds very odd to me, discussing a secret santa with the person's partner.

[DyslexicNotThick]

Well if you receive a shower gel set, you'll know who chose your name!

Buy her what you think she would like, it's lovely how you're accepting her into the family and actually thinking about what she may like, rather than automatically going for overpriced giftboxed boring unthoughtful stuff.

[IamPickleRick]

He sounds like he doesn't know her very well. Get her the nice things, shower gel is reserved for distant relatives you never see.

[Chrys2017]

Get the tickets!

[noenergy]

Who wants shower gel?
Get her something u think she will like.

Am I missing the point of it being a secret Santa, if everyone is discussing with partners then u all know who is buying who.

[TheSnowFairy]

I love nice shower gel!

But Op, your original ideas sound great. Don't ask him any more and get what you think she will like

[Glumglowworm]

Stop asking him

Any of the things you suggested would be a great gift, you’ve clearly put a lot of thought into it and if she’s as nice as she sounds, she’ll appreciate it.

[Mymycherrypie]

We always discuss - there are a lot of us so the drawing names is only to see who you will buy for, rather than it being a total secret.

I might go for both the shower gel and the other stuff that I know she will like. Yeah budget allows.

He's just been such a dick about me trying to be nice.

[MyKingdomForBrie]

Why don’t you get your DH to tell his brother to stop being a twat, it’ll be better coming from him. Then get your ideas for presents. It’s not her fault he’s a dick.

[NoSquirrels]

Buy what you think you'd appreciate, if you share the same passion. If BIL doesn't understand it, he won't ever get why it would be a good present so he's no use asking.

Even if she's really shy, she is presumably not socially inadequate, so there's no reason for her to be embarrassed unless your fandom is something sexual and you're suggesting tickets to Swingers UK to open round the dinner table, or a silver engraved vibrator
She will know how to gracefully receive a gift even if it's not to her taste.

[missiondecision]

It’s “secret” why the fuck are you telling him.

[Rooooooood]

If you get th shower gel get it from somewhere where she can return it and include the receipt.

[bunbunny]

Buy a ticket to the event for her to go with you?

But stuff from the fandom that you would like and afterwards ask if she likes it - if she doesn't have a spare Amazon £10 (or whatever the amount is!) gift card stashed and swap it quietly without bil being around. Guessing you will use an Amazon gift card for your own purchases over the next year so it won't go to waste if you don't give it to her and you will enjoy the fandom stuff if she doesn't want it.

[DontLetMeBeMisunderstood]

He's probably worried that you're going to get her a better present than he is, wouldn't be surprised if he's writing down all of your ideas to use for himself!

[Originalfoogirl]

Buy tickets of the fandom thing and drop a big hint that you love it too and are free that day...