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To be furious with Mil

(16 Posts)
Sillysausage123 Mon 04-Dec-17 22:31:59

I've been divorced from husband for 5 years and over the first few years he constantly pissed our 5 year old son about with contact and no shows etc until he decided he couldn't be bothered to see his son.
My son has additional needs and needed counselling at school due to the inconsistency and eventually him disappearing. School actually wrote a letter to ex stating how bad my son was with him waiting for his dad to show and had to be taken out of lessons

Anyway fast forward 3 years and no contact whatsoever with his dad but my son sees mil once a month

I had gone to my sons great gran on my husbands side to pick up my sons birthday present and a huge canvas had been given to the great gran by my mil for her birthday.
On it was her kids and their kids next to them etc only it had a picture of my mil then a picture of her son( my ex) and then a picture of my son next to him as if it was a picture of them next to each other as if he was involved in his sons life as it looked like they were together the way the pictures were but my ex hasn't seen his son in years and it was a recent picture of my son.

This really pissed me off as ex doesn't pay or have no involvement in his sons life which has caused a lot of arguments with me and his mother in the past as she refused to give me his address for CSA so I'm annoyed it looks like a family generational photo as if he was a dad to his son.
Not to mention if my son sees it he will get upset as my mil had to remove pics of her son when my son was going through being messed about so to do a big blow up canvas at somewhere my son goes occasionally and to have a picture as if her son is involved has really pissed me off

AIBU? I know it's her son but it's the way it's been done as a family canvas is what really annoys me.
Mil almost pretends her son is involved as she doesn't want to admit to extended family the way he treated her grandson.

I'm trying to see her side and that I am probably unreasonable as it's her son and grandson but would it piss you off in the circumstances?

Pandoraphile Mon 04-Dec-17 22:34:22

Yep. It would, that's really taking the piss. I'd be furious. Why should he be portrayed as a loving father??

Stormwhale Mon 04-Dec-17 22:36:23

Could you try to see it from the great grans side instead? I know my nan would love a canvas like that, and to be honest tends to live in lala land about the state of the family. I can see my nan being comforted and pleased by a canvas like that, whether it portrays the true situation or not. In my case it is because my uncle (her son) was estranged, but she would like to believe we are all a close happy family.

I think I would try and let it go, because the other option is upsetting an elderly lady.

AnneLovesGilbert Mon 04-Dec-17 22:38:57

YANBU at all. Weird thing to do. If she wants a relationship with you and your son the least she can do is let you chase him for the bare minimum payment the government says he owes you.

She’s in denial. She should be fucking ashamed of her son. But rewriting history, especially in a way that could do upset and confuse your son is appalling.

It’s a picture in her house so it’s her decision and there’s nothing you can do about it but it’s totally understandle to be very hurt.

Sillysausage123 Mon 04-Dec-17 22:41:02

The canvas is in great grans house not mil and although we don't go once a month we do go occasionally.
I won't say anything as it was for her mother a present of all her kids and grandkids etc but it's the way it's been done.

LouHotel Mon 04-Dec-17 22:44:14

Why are you allowing contact to a women actively obstructing you from CSA which would be for the benefit of her grandchild?

Sillysausage123 Mon 04-Dec-17 22:46:40

Mil refused to give sons new address when he buggered off and said any correspondence from Csa to use her address and she would pass it on to him as she didn't want to pick sides

Sillysausage123 Mon 04-Dec-17 22:49:01

Sorry posted too soon. Yes I know I had many a argument about her not giving the address but I was trying to do right by my son as he did see her a lot when we lived nearer and is close to her

RandomUsernameHere Mon 04-Dec-17 22:51:26

Was going to say exactly the same as Lou

Bigthoughtswoman Mon 04-Dec-17 22:54:35

I would never see / speak to/ visit/ or even ever acknowledge again, the MIL who won’t allow you any type of financial support from her son.
She is depriving your child, what a shocking excuse for a woman she is, you have my absolute sympathy.
And I’d be really annoyed about the picture too. Perhaps the grandmother can give you a hint of where your errant ex husband lives?
If he works, surely the CSA can just take his wages via his national insurance number ??

Sillysausage123 Mon 04-Dec-17 22:57:38

He is using the self employed loophole. I know his address now not that it matters

LouHotel Mon 04-Dec-17 23:04:16

Im sorry OP thats tough. Here's hoping they figure out the self employed shirkers one day by looking at lifestyle.

I would be absolutely mortified of my son if he behaved that way.

mumof2sarah Mon 04-Dec-17 23:07:20

Hi OP firstly sorry for the fact your son has been so messed about by his "dad", it sounds like such a heart breaking situation for the poor little guy.

I think that perhaps the hurt and anger your feeling is clouding your feelings a bit (which it's bound to do and you're very much entitled to be feeling about it - no judgement of you at all ❤️)

I think the fact your MIL withheld the address from You for CSA but then offered to have the post sent to her house for her to pass means she is ashamed of how her son has been BUT still wants to kind of protect him (like nearly every mother would want to do) shows she's not taking sides and is quite a diplomatic thing to do tbh.

Am I right in thinking she still sees your son? I'd look at a the picture as a loving gift for her darling mother rather that a picture of disgust kind of thing. I'm sure when she's organised it it for on the canvas it was more of a sectioning each "family group" together, rather than trying to make it look like they're a happy family. She may be very embarrassed by her dickhead of a sons behaviour and be struggling with that.

I don't think any of you are in the wrong on any of your parts but maybe you both need to consider each other's feelings and thoughts in the future. Be greatful for the fact that even though her son has been a knob head, there are still members of that family that show you're son obviously so much love by buying him gifts, seeing him and having his picture on their wall.

Got to say well done to yourself for actively visiting and speaking to "dads" side of the family and encouraging a relationship with your son and them, ALOT of SMs wouldn't bother doing that (I'm sure most of their reasons for that are valid though) your son will definately appreciate that in the future.

. I hope you and your son have a wonderful Christmas OP and that you both enjoy it together as the little family you have created ❤️

DivisionBelle Tue 05-Dec-17 00:30:31

Infuriating, and I can see why you would be upset and cross.

But in the end , from MILand her Mum’s pov it is a pic of the people she loves: her Dd, her Dgs, her Dggs. I think all it shows is that MIL and her Mum v much see your DS as part of their family.

Your MIL is in a difficult position wrt her feckless son.

Angrybird345 Tue 05-Dec-17 06:33:03

I’m afraid I would not facilitate my son seeing my mother-in-law in these conditions. I would not be paying a penny to facilitate this.

Florabella Tue 05-Dec-17 06:45:49

I can understand that this makes you angry, but what was the alternative? If she had made a canvas did the great gran of all her family and not included your son in it then surely that would have been worse. It's not your MIL trying to pretend he is a good Dad, it's her trying to do something thoughtful for her Mum.

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