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AIBU?

To not ask for child support?

21 replies

DonnyAndVladSittingInATree · 04/12/2017 22:29

Been separated from DC dad for 7ish years. Over that time he has found various reasons to reduce and/or not pay child support. Reasons he felt happy enough to tell me to my face include, he bought a new car, he bought an engagement ring and he bought a house. Obviously the poor pet had to fund all these things before feeding his children. It got to the point a few years ago where I had had enough and contacted CSA. They made a calculation and he paid it the first month. Then he kept “forgetting” and I would have to text to ask where it was. Ever since it has been late and it has never been the full amount. It’s short by £8 a month. I figure he must need it so I let it go . He has chosen not to bother with our DC anymore. They haven’t seen him in 6 months and last month he became a father again. This month I’ve had no child support. (Nice, that’s it’s in the mouth of Christmas too) My first instinct was to go to CMS and ask for a collection service (which will cost me to use) but now I’m thinking I’ll just do without. I work, I can tighten the purse strings and we’ll manage. If he wants to opt out of every aspect of parenting then fine. That’s on his conscience.

OP posts:

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BarbarianMum · 04/12/2017 22:33

Fuck that, use the collection service and make the bastard pay. If you don't want the money, stick it in a savings account and give it to the kids when they come of age. Don't letthe little weasel duck his financial obligations - it's not as though its a realistic contribution anyway.

Bambamber · 04/12/2017 22:35

Totally agree with pp

QuiteLikely5 · 04/12/2017 22:37

Make him pay through cms. It’ll be a nice little Xmas surprise for him

DonnyAndVladSittingInATree · 04/12/2017 22:40

I know you’re all right. I just hate that he’ll love that I had to ask for it. Again. I swear he gets a kick out of it.

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Bambamber · 04/12/2017 22:41

He's probably hoping you'll get sick of asking so he doesn't have to cough up

MrsPicklesonSmythe · 04/12/2017 22:42

Nope. It's not your money. He owes your children, make him pay and if you don't need it put it away for them

MrsPicklesonSmythe · 04/12/2017 22:43

He'll pay extra now through the Cms and there are heavy penalties if he doesn't pay.

RainbowWish · 04/12/2017 22:43

Your son is entitled to something from his father if he won't give him time then money it is.
And use his pennies to cover the collection fee.
Good luck

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/12/2017 22:45

You're not asking him for it. You are advocating on behalf of your DC. Not their fault their F doesn't want to be a parent. If you can manage without; stick it in savings.

toopeoply · 04/12/2017 22:47

100% pursue it if you can. Cms will contact him and collect it for you. Plus any arrears. If you don't want it, put it in an account for your children.

DonnyAndVladSittingInATree · 04/12/2017 22:47

Thank you Mners. I needed to hear this. My stubborn pride getting in my way. I’ve put it back in its box and will contact CMS tomorrow.

He has done no end of damage to our DC. They are both in therapy as a result of his treatment of them. At least if I can use his money to make their lives a bit more pleasant that’s worth it.

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Givemeallthechocolate · 04/12/2017 22:49

I see where you are coming from.
My DDs biological father has only ever given what he was forced to. He hasn't paid a penny In almost six years, before this the total he spent on her was £100 ish in 4 years.

Hope he chokes on his money.

DD has all she needs and I'm glad in a way that neither of us have anything to thank him for.

DonnyAndVladSittingInATree · 04/12/2017 22:54

DD has all she needs and I'm glad in a way that neither of us have anything to thank him for.

Oh I was chastised several times for not saying thank you when he transferred the child support (late and short) “oh yes adult man, thank you for feeding the tiny lives you created. So sorry I forgot my manners, I was busy raising them entirely alone with no thanks from you. How rude of me.”

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ThisLittleKitty · 04/12/2017 22:55

My ex hasn't paid a penny in over 6 years. He's due to start a new job but told me he will quick if I go to CSA. When I said the money wasn't for me it was for his kids he said "I'm sure they're not bothered" some people will do anything to get out of paying.

ThisLittleKitty · 04/12/2017 22:56

Quick= quit*

Glumglowworm · 04/12/2017 23:05

I get that you may not have energy for a fight

But you should go through CMS, he should pay for the children he created. If he doesn’t want to see them that’s fucking shit but it doesn’t mean he gets out of financial responsibility

I always wonder about the mother of the new child in these scenarios. Does she know what a shit dad he is to your child? If she knew, how could she choose to have a baby with him? What lies has he told about his “psycho ex who won’t let him see his kids” to convince her he’s a good guy? How long will it be before he screws her and her child over as well?

NellMangel · 04/12/2017 23:09

My ex does pay a little, reduces it according to similar things - posh house, engagement ring etc- people have told me to go down the cms route but I've not. Hard to explain but I think it's about wanting as little to do with him as possible, including any reliance on his money.

But I can totally see the argument that it's for the kids and you should push pride aside.

Sorry that you and your kids have had such a crap time x

DonnyAndVladSittingInATree · 04/12/2017 23:14

Oh he is a compulsive liar so I have no doubt that his wife has been fed the biggest pile of bullshit over why he doesn’t see his kids. That being said, she has a brain, she could work it out if she wanted to. Maybe she doesn’t care.

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millmoo · 04/12/2017 23:29

I wouldn’t contact the CMS I’d be feeling exactly the same way that you do.
I’d tell her where to stick his money and I’m sure you and your DC’s will do just fine.
It’s a game to him and one that he loves playing -imagine never ever having to contact him again 😀 he’s waiting for that text / call every month because every month you have to contact him he still has power over you.

SD1978 · 05/12/2017 04:14

I think a lot of women do this, don’t persue child support in the basis that they see having to beg for it or force it as still giving the father power. I see it the other way. You both had the child, whether you can do it financially alone or not is the point- the child deserves to have access to that money for their own financial well being. It’s not about you and your relationship (or lack there of) it’s about the child being at least financially supported by the two individuals who produced them, if not emotionally so. Absolutely persue it. Your child deserves better and at least a financial acknowledgment of not an emotional one.

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/12/2017 05:35

I agree @SD1978.

I work with a lot of teenagers whose fathers are like your ex. And more than once I've heard, "he didn't even care enough to give my mum anything". Being able to say, at 18, "there's money for a car/college/flat in the bank from your dad" means something. He doesn't deserve it but they do.

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