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AIBU?

If you were disabled, could not get a job, had no family - would you ever think of suicide?

28 replies

WhereAreTheOptions · 04/12/2017 17:47

I have battled feeling this way in the past. It was a battle in the realest sense for me, I did win though and came out victorious.

Worried that I am having fleeting dark thoughts again. Not because of depression, I am not depressed. I love life. But I can't get a job, or I lose jobs I scrape into because my disabilities mean I do a poor job. I've lost my disability payments and lost my housing benefit that I access through PIP. I have no family I can go and stay with. I have a lovely partner I love so much in another country - I feel so bad because I'm a cause of worry with my financial insolvency.

It's like it feels logical and pragmatic to have these occassional thoughts in my circumstances because I don't see how it can get better. Where do I go if I lose my tenancy? How will I eat? How will I manage my medical equipment on the street? How can I put my partner through a shitstorm of worry?

My AIBU therefore is - am I just human, to have these unwanted thoughts?

I don't have the energy to have another severe mental health crisis. I need to be well. I need to fix myself if it's going down that road because I have nothing to hold me up at all now. Last time I was really ill, I at least had a secure home to live in.

Please tell me they are just normal thoughts?

OP posts:

Report

WhereAreTheOptions · 04/12/2017 17:51

Would like to stress this is in no way a post thinking about harming myself. It's only about thoughts and how to deal with them. I'm about to go and make tea and toast.

OP posts:

CaptainKirkssparetupee · 04/12/2017 17:53

They are not normal thoughts, but they are a sign you are not coping with your current situation and you want out of it... So I guess its a common situation, but one you may need help with.

WhereAreTheOptions · 04/12/2017 17:56

What does coping mean, though?

I am coping. I'm looking after myself properly, I'm maintaining reasonable relationships with all people in my life and enjoying time spent there, and I'm job searching.

The thoughts are just there sometimes when I feel so panicked that I'm never going to be safe or secure with money from a job I can do adequately.

The thoughts do not affect my behaviour in any way though. Except make me sleep a little more.

OP posts:

CaptainKirkssparetupee · 04/12/2017 18:02

You are coping, but I think you are also feeling somewhat imprisoned, with no way out. At least that's how I felt, everyday was identical and I was going through the motions but needed out.

TDHManchester · 04/12/2017 18:06

Suicide can be a logical choice for some people but it isnt necessarily linked to financial circumstances.

There are plenty of people in similar and worse circumstances than you describe but who are nevertheless coping and are happy.

On the other side of the coin, well you can find plenty of cases of very wealthy people with apparently ideal lifestyles who commit suicide.

sunsetseasky · 04/12/2017 18:09

It's not exactly the finances. It's feeling that life is unbearable and having no money to make the unbearableness palatable.

I get it OP

BarrowInFurnessBusDepot · 04/12/2017 18:14

What’s the nature of your disability? Employers are duty bound to help make reasonable adjustments in order to help you in the workplace.

Have you looked at contacting any disability charities or advisory services who may be able to help you find a suitable job?

Gilead · 04/12/2017 18:16

Have you appealed your PiP decision?

WhereAreTheOptions · 04/12/2017 18:19

Yes, that's exactly it.

We all need money to do the most basic things like eat and sleep somewhere warm and dry. I can't work out how to have access to a regular amount of money reliably.

I have nothing in terms of skills that anyone wants, to trade for money I can convert to secure housing. It makes me panic so much. If I was on the street, I would be seriously depressed so fast and dead within weeks. I need medication that is stored in a fridge. What will I do if I can't sort a job out?...it goes round and round like that and then it's like something snaps and suicide feels like a way out.

If I was not able to take care of my disabilities lying freezing on the street - I guess then it would just be a matter of speeding up the inevitable anyway. So it does make sense.

The state refuse to see me as a legitimate disabled person, so won't help. The thing is I still have to manage the daily effects of my disabilities every day, whether the state recognise them as real or not.

OP posts:

LIZS · 04/12/2017 18:21

Are there any charities related to your condition? They may be able to advise on pip appeal and assist with techniques such as cv writing, identifying transferrable skills and job applications. Could you claim esa ?

WhereAreTheOptions · 04/12/2017 18:22

I wish people would stop believing employers were disability positive. They are not. Every time I disclose it, I never hear another thing.

This includes organisations who say they offer guaranteed interviews to people with disabilities. I can meet the list of essential criteria, but the goal posts can be slightly moved to argue why I don't fit the bill. I've had a couple of humiliating conversations about this.

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ComtesseDeSpair · 04/12/2017 18:23

Suicide has always been my back up plan, in a fairly matter of fact way rather than a desperate one. I always thought it was most people's, to be honest, until I spoke with a few friends and realised it wasn't.

So no: I don't think that the thoughts you're having are normal thoughts, and they're something you need to address. They might not currently be actual suicidal intentions, but they are negative thinking, and creative a negative cycle which ultimately isn't good for your overall mental wellbeing. A few people recommended mindfulness to me to help overcome my thinking patterns, and whilst I found it quite difficult to engage at first, when I got into it it did make a difference to how I thought about the "what ifs" and my general emotional response to bad situations.

WhereAreTheOptions · 04/12/2017 18:23

ESA doesn't offer me a life of independence. It's just another PIP scenario full of humiliation and being declined.

I want to work I have to have some marketable skill. I don't want to not do anything.

OP posts:

TDHManchester · 04/12/2017 18:25

I think anyone could easily be overwhelmed by some many things that add up to what presents as an unmanageable and hopeless situation. It causes mental lockup and a total inability to deal with it all. Fight or flight. The response is there, its being triggered but you can neither fight or flight and so it slowly makes you first mentally then physically ill due to psychosomatic consequences.

It helps to try and put the brakes on, to close your eyes, to calm down and breathe a little. Let the traffic pass, dont get involved with it.

May i recommend a good book?

Brilliant CBT by Dr Stephen Briars..

Its a great read..

LIZS · 04/12/2017 18:26

But surely being on ESA , even in the work related activity group, is better than being homeless. It needn't be a long term solution bit may buy you time.

WhereAreTheOptions · 04/12/2017 18:31

"They might not currently be actual suicidal intentions, but they are negative thinking, and creative a negative cycle which ultimately isn't good for your overall mental wellbeing."

Yes this is exactly what I'm worrying about. It pisses me off so much. How am I even back at this point?

My doctor would think I was an attention seeker if I even said this. Their take would be, why are you worrying if you're not feeling in danger? Which I'm not, so then I would feel like I'm taking up resources.

I sometimes feel like how much I struggle proves I should have died when I got ill as a child. Without modern medical intervention I'd be dead. You know when you see very deformed puppies kept alive on social media? And all the animal lovers are split between thinking it's very cruel to keep a puppy alive who would never survive alone, and the others who think it's a beautiful miracle?

I'm not deformed (!) but I do sometimes feel like I'm only alive because of so much intervention, and is that really realistic in this world we're in. But I love living, so I don't know.

OP posts:

sunsetseasky · 04/12/2017 18:31

I think that is the OPs point.

She doesn't want to spend her life scrabbling around for survival like a rat trying to get out of the damp. She wants a purposeful and meaningful life with direction.

Sorry if I am assuming, OP.

WhereAreTheOptions · 04/12/2017 18:34

LIZC I can't afford my rent on ESA and shared housing benefit rate so I will lose my home anyway and don't know where to go that's safe.

OP posts:

flirtygirl · 04/12/2017 18:34

Most charities that may have been able to help the op or others in similar situation,s have closed or had their funding so severely cut that they no longer offer these services so yes i would think of suicide and yes why not?

Nobody else is walking in your shoes and all the helpful platitudes in the world won't change that.

Employees dont help as why would they when its less hassle to employ someone not disabled in the majority of cases and the legislation means nothing.

Op for your situation.
Im not disabled ( i care for my asd daughter) and i feel like you all the time.

WhereAreTheOptions · 04/12/2017 18:34

If I don't get an ok job I mean. That's why the pressure to get the job is so high.

OP posts:

WhereAreTheOptions · 04/12/2017 18:36

"She doesn't want to spend her life scrabbling around for survival like a rat trying to get out of the damp. She wants a purposeful and meaningful life with direction"

This times a hundred! Thank you for saying this clearly.

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WhereAreTheOptions · 04/12/2017 18:39

"The response is there, its being triggered but you can neither fight or flight and so it slowly makes you first mentally then physically ill due to psychosomatic consequences."

I'm not physically ill because of psychosomatic illness. I have an illness that will kill me without medication, since I was a child.

OP posts:

Booboobooboo84 · 04/12/2017 18:40

I get what you mean. I wouldn’t ever commit suicide but I’ve sometimes thought well at least my worries and pain would be over if I did.

I think the main thing for you to do right now is keep moving forward. You can apply for esa at support rate and still apply for jobs. And esa isn’t as brutal an application as pip (in my area and experience anyway)

Maybe there is something you could set up business wise to support yourself, you can do this while on esa if you disclose it fully to them.

And with your pip appeal their decision fiercely. And see your dr don’t worry bout what they think of you. Just get the help you deserve

Booboobooboo84 · 04/12/2017 18:42

Also apply to your housing benefit for discretionary housing benefit. They may cover you at full rate due to you appealing your pip payments

QuiteLikely5 · 04/12/2017 18:46

Can you volunteer to learn some new skills?

I always say where there’s a will there’s a way!

You can also access food banks

Appeal your pip decision

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