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Aibu to be really jealous of my dh and his family?

(112 Posts)
nothingtodoaboutit Mon 04-Dec-17 13:22:51

My dh has a large family on his side, he is the baby, The youngest of 5 children by 15 years! ( he was the shock at the end 😄).

His family are lovely and they have always been welcoming to me and made me feel at home BUT they are not my family they are his.

There are so many little issues I would love to be able to talk to someone about but I have no one. No family and no friends close enough to have those conversations with. I am feeling really really depressed lately and just find I am struggling with everyday life. My dh has also been down (we have had a hard few months) and his family are all over him offering him help with things, chatting to him, having phone calls. I have no one.

I am insanely jealous of the support he has and I know it's ridiculous it's not his fault! But every time we hit a bump in the road he is surrounded by people who care for him and I am standing alone.

I have tried to talk to him about this but he says I'm being ridiculous .


GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Mon 04-Dec-17 13:26:08

I'm a bit confused as to why can you not consider them your family if you're married to your DH?

Perhaps it's your holding them at arm's length which is why you feel they don't offer the same support to you? Could you give us some examples?

Maybe they actually do offer support but you don't accept it?

PinkHeart5914 Mon 04-Dec-17 13:30:17

What do you mean you’ve tried talking to him about this? What do you want him to do? As harsh as it is, he can’t help having family and you not feeling like you have any, he can’t help having a family that naturally want to help him and you not. Do you want him to not take the help and support from them or something?

I don’t get this thing in relationships saying oh they are his family, no your married it’s 1 family. The way you say they are welcoming to you but they are not your family makes me think you hold them at arms length.


nothingtodoaboutit Mon 04-Dec-17 13:36:33

Sorry I should have been clearer 😄 I can talk to them - but not if the problem is my dh if that makes sense.

CheeriosEverywhere Mon 04-Dec-17 13:39:30

I'm a bit confused as to why can you not consider them your family if you're married to your DH?

It's not the same, at all. even the nicest inlaws are not your own family, they haven't known you for ever, they don't share things with you in the way your own family would. For example, your husbands sister is not like having your own sister, no matter how lovely.

nothingtodoaboutit Mon 04-Dec-17 13:39:51

So for example dh and his business partner recently had me removed as a director of our company. I was upset about it but I couldn't talk to dhs family about it as they would see it as me criticising dh and would be upset at me rather than supportive in any way.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Mon 04-Dec-17 13:40:55

Why don't you have close friends? That's your real problem here.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Mon 04-Dec-17 13:41:58

Ah, I see what you mean now. Where are your family and friends, OP?

Can you talk to them over the phone or Facetime?

Did your DH give you a reason for removing you as director? All sounds a bit odd.

nothingtodoaboutit Mon 04-Dec-17 13:42:02

Run - we have moved around a lot with dhs jobs int he last few years and I've just found it hard to settle . We also have 6 children and I've just found it hard to get any time to make friends or do anything .

nothingtodoaboutit Mon 04-Dec-17 13:44:00

Green - most of my family are dead. I have my dad but he lives abroad and I only speak to him very occasionally - we are not close.

They had me removed because I haven't returned to Work since having my last dd. I am not upset they wanted me tp be removed I am upset that the first I knew about it was when I saw it on the company statement from he accountant.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Mon 04-Dec-17 13:45:49

I can see how that would make it harder to make friends, however, the way you feel now shows that making friends should be way higher up your priority list.

RidingWindhorses Mon 04-Dec-17 13:48:15

I am not upset they wanted me tp be removed I am upset that the first I knew about it was when I saw it on the company statement from he accountant.

I'd be upset about both tbh.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Mon 04-Dec-17 13:50:11

Very sorry to hear of your losses nothing. Do you get any kind of emotional support from your Dad?

Can totally understand you being upset at not being told. Does his family view him as a 'golden child' OR would they be realistic and say "Well, yes, he should have discussed it with you first."?

Do you have any SILs? I can appreciate with 6 kids it must be hard to fine time for yourself or hobbies or anything. How old are your DC?

nothingtodoaboutit Mon 04-Dec-17 13:50:42

Riding - I don't feel like there's anything I can do . I just gave up I suppose. I had to stay home with the baby and I was ill for a while after (I had pneumonia and sepsis) .

2 Of my children were struggling in mainstream schools so we removed them to home educate - dh was in total agreement so I'm not sure if he was expecting me to do that plus go back to work somehow. Who knows . As I say, give up.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Mon 04-Dec-17 13:51:07

*find not fine...

nothingtodoaboutit Mon 04-Dec-17 13:53:13

Green I don't really speak to my dad at all a once every month or two we speak for 5/10 minutes on the phone almost just checking each other is still alive!.

He is very much the golden child no matter what he does it is never his fault (I'm making him sound awful here he really isn't on a day to day basis grin)

I have one sister in law and 3 brother in laws.

My children are 13,11,8,7,5 and 2.

Trying2bgd Mon 04-Dec-17 13:59:44

I think your title is a little misleading as although there is a bit of jealousy I think dh and his close relationship with his family are a constant reminder of what you are missing in your life. The sense that someone has your back. Can you join a home education network and start to build up some relationships? All friendships start with a small step, an offer of help, looking after a neighbour's set of keys but can and do often lead to more. I think your dh probably doesn't get it as he is has had his family for his whole life, he has never known any different and in some ways just takes it for granted so its nothing special to him.
Don't give up.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Mon 04-Dec-17 14:04:15

I was just wondering if any of his siblings had a wife who has also 'married into' the family as it were, who might be more sympathetic (i.e. can see things from the outside too).

The idea about a home education network is a good idea. Do the other children attend local schools - could you get involved with PTA that way?

Also, how likely is it that you would need to move again in the future? I can understand that that could make it hard to create a support network.

Mummyoflittledragon Mon 04-Dec-17 14:04:37

Your dh sounds like an insensitive arse. Leaning on his family like a kid and not being there for you. Not consulting you about removing you from the company directorship. I’m sorry you’re being sidelined from all angles. Him, his family, the business. No wonder you’re struggling.

What’s he like as a father? You have a lot on your plate.

whiskyowl Mon 04-Dec-17 14:07:11

I think this is really, really tough on you. There are times when your interests and your DH's are not the same - and you can't go to his family in those cases.

Seeing someone who has always had it easy in terms of support can actually be brutally hurtful if you've never had that kind of family relationship. It is just a constant reminder of what you are missing, PLUS the other person can't really understand it from your point of view, because they literally have no experience of surviving with so little.

My best suggestion is to get a counsellor - someone who gives you the unconditional positive regard your DH gets from family. It's not a replacement for what he has - it's something that lets you survive without it in a more resilient way.

LemonysSnicket Mon 04-Dec-17 14:11:46

How old are your kids ? My mums talked to me about this stuff since i was about 14 x

RestingGrinchFace Mon 04-Dec-17 14:12:54

Well you can be their family too, all you have to do is put in a bit of effort to get to know one another.

MoosicalDaisy Mon 04-Dec-17 14:16:46

I get you, I do! You just need someone, whether it's a mum, sister, or a friend. Can I suggest you research a course (hobby) that's at a convenient time, and try to make a friend there?

CheeriosEverywhere Mon 04-Dec-17 14:28:10

Well you can be their family too, all you have to do is put in a bit of effort to get to know one another

You can't, in the same way. If only for the very reason that family are people you don't have to get to know!

RavingRoo Mon 04-Dec-17 14:28:31

You need to find hobbies and make friends.

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