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To wonder if anyone has experience of happy marriage where one partner looks down on the other's family?

(42 Posts)
Phuquocdreams Mon 04-Dec-17 09:45:09

Feeling a bit despondent ☹️ I'm the one doing the looking down.

dangermouse7 Mon 04-Dec-17 09:46:42

Why? Are you much taller than your partner's family? confused

dangermouse7 Mon 04-Dec-17 09:47:22

OMG are you Prince HARRY?! shock

CactusJelly00 Mon 04-Dec-17 09:47:59

Think you'll need to be a bit more specific tbh.
But in general I wouldnt last 3 minutes in a relationship with someone who's looking down on my family.

MrsJayy Mon 04-Dec-17 09:48:26

Why are you looking down on his family ? Your husband came from that family too

corythatwas Mon 04-Dec-17 09:49:26

Could we have more details here? Is it because not looking down on them would make you feel you were condoning behaviour that was morally wrong (misogyny, racism?), is it about behaviour that potentially impacts on you and dh (alcoholism, criminality?) or is it mere social differences?

NK493efc93X1277dd3d6d4 Mon 04-Dec-17 09:50:45

My advice is never to let on how you really feel and opt for the quiet life. The main issue is how your partner behaves, not the rest of his family.

Let him make any negative observations which you can then gently agree with and perhaps make lame excuses for which he can then refute. If you have kids then make sure you apply your own rules when you are with them.

Its not that difficult really unless you live in each others pockets.

honeyravioli Mon 04-Dec-17 09:52:50

Why are you looking down on his family ? Your husband came from that family too

So? Fabulous people can come out of awful families.

You're going to get loads of "who are you to look down on them" answers, but we all do it, just some of us don't pretend we don't.

Baublicious Mon 04-Dec-17 09:53:39

I can relate to this. My DH is very different in outlook & views to the rest of his family so I don’t really see much of them in him. IMO they did things wrong in his upbringing (his self-esteem isn’t great as I think he knew he didn’t live up to their idea of what a man should be). They’re not particularly bad people but do find myself looking down on them a bit. But then I’m sure they think I’m a snob so it all evens out!

kaytee87 Mon 04-Dec-17 09:57:53

Are they bad people? Is that why you look down on them? Or are you being a snob?

EdmundCleverClogs Mon 04-Dec-17 09:59:00

Care to elaborate, Phuquocdreams? Or are you being deliberately vague just to get posters arguing?

AppleCiderVinegarr Mon 04-Dec-17 10:00:48

Well you obviously can’t have a happy marriage if one party is looking down on others family. Even your OP has a sad face in it.

honeyravioli Mon 04-Dec-17 10:02:25

Of course you can.

GreatDuckCookery Mon 04-Dec-17 10:03:07

DH’s family is very to different to mine. Polar opposites in fact. Luckily for me DH thinks so too. He always says he must have been the milkman’s love child as he’s nothing like them!

PrincessoftheSea Mon 04-Dec-17 10:03:20

My DH married up in my opinion, but I keep it to myselfwink

GreatDuckCookery Mon 04-Dec-17 10:05:53

Should add though we don’t look down on them! Just admit that we are very different people with very different outlooks. They are the ultimate inverted snobs with some very racist beliefs.

BluePlasticBuddha Mon 04-Dec-17 10:18:36

My DM comes from a very toxic dysfunctional family and her childhood was filled with sexual and physical abuse.

Too damned right my dad and me and my sibs look down on her family. Thing is, we use it to gently nurture and foster my mother. To point out that what she believes to be true may not neccessarily be true. To try and sure her up as much as possible.

I wish she would go nc with them (she's 70).But she won't. None of the rest of us will tolerate being anywhere near them anymore.... after years of abuse from them towards us (for being 'fucking snobs',we just don't think accepting sexual abuse or violence is okay). She still insists on trying to keep a relationship with them.So we just try and support her before she sees them and try to pick up the pieces afterwards.

So yes. We look down on her family. And try and keep heron an emotional even keel as much as possible.

GrumpyMcGrumpFace Mon 04-Dec-17 10:18:50

looking down on is harsh. Thinking they're very different from you, fair enough.

littlepeas Mon 04-Dec-17 10:19:59

Oh dear, not proud of myself but I can answer this one. Dh and I are from different backgrounds and have been happily married for over a decade and together for almost two. Very different attitudes towards education and the arts, hobbies and pastimes, topics of conversation, that sort of thing. Ultimately they are nice people, so I think about that and generally throw myself in with them. I suspect there is inverted snobbery towards me behind closed doors too, but we all try our best. It would be a lot harder if they were horrible people though - not sure I could manage that.

MrsLupo Mon 04-Dec-17 10:20:26

My family is awful. I'd be a bit concerned if DP didn't look down on them tbh. Not a class thing though.

Hastalapasta Mon 04-Dec-17 10:26:18

I used to look down on my parents, DH accepts them as they are, slowly, I am accepting them too. DHhas made me want to be a better person.
You can be happy smile

Getsorted21 Mon 04-Dec-17 10:26:55

I'm guilty of this although I do try to bite my tongue as I hate anyone criticising my family. MIL is just so negative, it's oppressive. For example I recently passed my driving test (in my 30s, 1st time after intensive course). Upon hearing I had passed no congratulations, just "your insurance will be too high"& "you can't possibly drive that big car" because of course I spent all that time & money to just not drive. 😒

Sugarpiehoneyeye Mon 04-Dec-17 10:27:16

What are your reasons ?
We don't live in a perfect world, maybe your reasons are justified.

TheMaddHugger Mon 04-Dec-17 10:28:50

OMG Guys, A vague questioning post from OP and ya'all are spilling your deepest darkest secrets.

TrojansAreSmegheads Mon 04-Dec-17 10:30:54

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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