AIBU or is he BU? re going to the pub to see friends(11 Posts)
I have a new partner, we are around 6 months in. He is a very loving man, decent bloke, has met my family who adore him etc. etc. We are in our late 40s/early 50s.
however he has one very big blind spot. I go to a local pub very near my house as a number of my friends drink there. My last ex boyfriend (M) drinks there and it's very much 'his' place. He is a mare and I broke up with him because he spent FAR too much time drinking in there (I would say he was a functioning alcoholic). However, unfortunately, a number of my close friends drink there and I would say 90% of the social events they arrange are at the pub.
New boyf has said he does not feel comfortable there and tbh I have some sympathy with him. My closest girl friend also does not like it there and even she has said she has some sympathy with how he feels.
but this weekend we did agree that we would go there as the friends that drink there had arranged a get together - there are 2 before xmas the one this weekend and then a lunch on the weekend before xmas. As we walked in, M was there and sat right by the door. New boyf was with me and said let's sit round the corner (away from M). I said ok, I'm just going to say hello to my friends then I'll come back and sit with you. I went to say hello and when I came back, new boyf had stormed out and gone home (fgs). He claims he didn't hear me say I'll be back (probably because he was already seething at that point) and thought I had left him there.
we had a chat about it and he just hates it there. So i said fine, just don't come, I'll go when there are get togethers there on my own (no big hassle) but he said he didn't like the fact that I would go there without him either (well you can't have it both ways).
he sent me a message this morning saying he is not sure what to do about the lunch on the weekend there because he isn't sure he will manage.
It is early days and I am not quite sure what to do with him tbh. There is a big part of me that just thinks if it's hassle now, it will only get worse but I have to say, other than this, there are no other issues and it is weird, that this one thing is SUCH an issue for him. Me and M broke up probably 2 years ago btw so it's not recent but M does not hide the fact that if I said go out with me again, he would jump at the chance and I suspect new boyf can see that. The difficulty is we have a lot of joint friends there and it seems ridiculous that I can't just go and see them because of new boyf's feelings about M.
personally I think he needs to get over himself but just wanted to check everyone else's thoughts
I think he needs to grow the fuck up tbh.
If he doesn't like it, fine don't go - but stopping you seeing your friends is not on IMO.
Don’t pander to his jealousy. Tell him that the pub and friends is part of your life and he has to grow up and deal with it.
I do know that not everyone on MN agrees with me about this - but it's jealousy pure and simple and shouldn't be tolerated IMO.
I know some of my DP's exes and he knows mine because we have friends in common.
In fact my DP went to a small event with mutual friends and one of my exes but without me.
It's about trust and being a grown up.
thanks yes these are exactly my thoughts
and it's not like I'm there all the time! I'm a full time working single parent (2 teens) so I don't have that much spare time anyway so it's mainly for 'arranged' occasions (maybe once or twice a month!).
So you both have mutual friends there and he is basically not going because of one person?
I think he is making this very awkward for himself.
So you have some sympathy for him but you then say he needs to get over himself, even though you yourself seem to dislike the fact that this pub is very much your ex's place and your closest girl friend doesn't like it there and also has sympathy with your new bloke?
Are there no other pubs? I'd have thought your friends would be more understanding of why you and he probably wouldn't want to keep going to that pub and find another to be honest. Your closest girlfriend obviously would.
I've had a similar situation except I was in you new bf position. I hated my then bf....husband now....going out with life long mates as he had dated 2 of them. Used to piss me right off so I can see why you bf hates it. I feel it shows no respect. Having said that I don't care that he still goes out with them as our relationship has matured. Perhaps all your bf needs is some reassurance from you and a little time adjusting. It can be emotionally very hard to see your partner hanging around a past love. Give him some time
closest girlfriend doesn't like the pub - but doesn't have friends who drink there. She thinks he is being controlling but has sympathy with him not liking the pub.
New boyf doesn't know anyone in my area at all - all new to him. But when we go out where he lives, I don't make a fuss about going anywhere, whatever the pub, bar, restaurant etc.
I am really not used to jealous men - have never been out with one before. I wouldn't mind if he said 'I don't want to go there, but if you need to go to events there and see your friends fine and we'll meet after etc.' but to say 'I don't like it and I'm going to be unhappy when you go there without me too' well personally I do think that is not on
as I say this is not somewhere I am going every week, maybe once or at a push twice a month
thanks dogs, yes that is probably the issue
New bf is being U.
You’re not even socialising with your ex, he is just at the same local pub.
Just go ahead with your plans with friends: he’s been invited so can decide whether to attend. If he is so jealous he’ll “be unhappy” about you going alone that’s U and his problem.
I would draw right back on him spending any time with your teens and family while you wait to see if he’s jealous/controlling/U in other ways.
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