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AIBU at SIL wedding?

(92 Posts)
WS12 Mon 04-Dec-17 04:34:26

So my SIL is getting married! It's all very exciting, and it's great as she is the first of four sisters to marry. She's having a spring wedding on the beach (Oct 2018, we live in Australia) and my gorgeous DD will be flower girl and I am going to be a bridesmaid. My DH will be 'mc' on the night (what ever that means?!). But the whole thing is going to be GREAT! And we are all really happy for her (apart from maybe one sister but that's for another thread ha ha). So she's busy planning and she's loving it 😊

But here's the thing, what I want to know is AIBU to just be a bit " 😮 " that she has asked each bridesmaid to buy their own dress priced at $300? I can imagine at some point she may ask us to pay for our own hair and makeup too for the day. I'm going to do it, I'll pay for all my things if I need to as I won't spoil her day or make a fuss. I'll just do it, but I secretly think wow that's a lot of money. And if I'm honest I feel that I am simply making up numbers. I am more than happy to be a guest - in fact that's what I'd prefer really. But they have 5 bridesmaids and 5 'best men' type thing on the other side, and apparently were all going to walk in and dance together etc and I am totally there to make up numbers. If I was an odd number I'd be totally scrapped if you know what I mean. If I have to buy my DD dress too, we'll be well and truely skint!

Also - theyre having their engagement party on Dec 29th and at the party there will be a 'wishing well' and they're asking people instead of buying engagement and wedding presents to put money in an envelope as this will help their honey moon/dream of going around Australia for a bit and also help them... wait for it... PAY FOR THE WEDDING! Sorry about shouting capitals, but wtf?! I'm already buying my own dress and now you want your guests to pay for your wedding?!🤣 Is it just me or is that crazy? My friend had a wishing well at her wedding reception and asked for money for their honeymoon is Vegas, but that was after the actual wedding. So we will be expected to put something in at the party and again at the wedding - what are other people's thoughts on this? She is my DHs youngest sister, but isn't it all a bit expensive for family/guests. I'm thinking anything less than $50 isn't acceptable, more like $100 each time....

The bottom line is I don't think they can afford a wedding so soon. My MIL even suggested waiting until 2019. They've only been engaged a month.

What are your thoughts?

MaitlandGirl Mon 04-Dec-17 04:44:32

Where are they getting the bridesmaid dresses from!? That sounds like a lot of money. Has she chosen actual dresses or is she working on the fact $300 sounds about right?

There are good compromises between $300 and the cheap online (Chinese) sellers. She could get them made by a dress maker for less.

PastaOfMuppets Mon 04-Dec-17 04:49:16

Omg, I would've backed out of the whole thing once I found out I was expected to dance down the aisle ... I know the bride and groom are excited on the day but it looks so frigging awkward for the bridal party ... vom

WS12 Mon 04-Dec-17 04:53:54

She's already picked them out at a shop, she intended to hire dresses but now they don't do that she is expecting us to buy. What's worse is that I can't even pick the style I like, she basically gave the nicest designs to her (blood) sisters and left me with the one no one wanted, basically 🤣!

I'd so much rather just be a guest, to the point I'm tempted to suggest that's all I am, but I worry even declining politely would go down so badly... I'll just have to save up.

Yes we all have to dance, not down the wedding aisle but after as the reception. I'm dancing with one of the grooms brothers...

SpikeGilesSandwich Mon 04-Dec-17 05:02:26

Just come over all traditional and tell her that you believe bridesmaids should be unmarried friends/relatives. That's my excuse if anyone tries to make me be one wink

OhNoOhNo Mon 04-Dec-17 05:03:34

Just tell her you can't afford it! Better still, get your DH to day it.

Keep out of it and let it come from him.

And only give what you can. And if you have to give twice, split it into 2. So if you mean to give $50, give $25 at the party and $25 at the wedding.

No way would I spend $300 to make up the numbers and get a cast off dress.

OhNoOhNo Mon 04-Dec-17 05:04:00

*to say it

Bovneydazzlers Mon 04-Dec-17 05:07:02

So cheeky.
Put a stop to it now, the costs are only going to escalate. She’s going to want an amazing hen do (that she’ll expect everyone to cover her costs for).

Whatever the excuse you use, just say no. And absolutely sod a $300 dress in a style you don’t like. If you absolutely must continue being bridesmaid, definitely tell her you want a say in the dress if you’re paying.

‘Hi SIL, I’ve been thinking about it, I think it’s best if I decline being bridesmaid, we’re planning DC2 so may be pregnant at the time of the wedding’
‘Hi SIL, I’ve been thinking about it, I’ll have to decline being bridesmaid, I’m concerned I’ll be too busy looking after DD that I wont be able to focus as much as you need for bridesmaid duties’


WS12 Mon 04-Dec-17 05:29:48

Yes it just seems a bit cheeky doesn't it, next time I see her which will be in a week or so I might say nicely that I've been thinking about the dress and not sure if I can afford it, she may suggest going 50/50 which I think is more reasonable.

Yes I can see costs very quickly escalating. I'm thinking about $50 in the well at the party ( but so near Christmas what was she thinking🤣?!) and then another $50 on the wedding day. I'm sure it'll all work out for her, I just feel I'm getting swept away in a river of expense and we can't really afford it (and I am just a number after all..)

WS12 Mon 04-Dec-17 05:31:04

I didn't think IWBU but doubted myself - it is all a bit crazy isn't it, asking us to buy our dresses and give money twice to actually pay for the wedding. It's madness.

misscheery Mon 04-Dec-17 05:39:26

What does your DH say? Perhaps it'll be better if HE tells her she's nuts and no way you'll be spending around $1000 on her wedding. This is purely ridiculous.

WS12 Mon 04-Dec-17 05:39:29

No I fact I'm just going to do it I'll just pay it's only once and I really don't want to make a fuss.

I'm just glad to know I'm not just being a Scrooge lol! 🤣

WS12 Mon 04-Dec-17 05:41:19

Well hopefully will be say the $300 for the dress, $100 for the well and hopefully I won't have to pay for DD a flower girl dress or my hair/makeup. If I do it'll be about $500 all in all. And then of course my DH and DS will need a shirt, my DH has one he can use but my DS will need an outfit xxx

Bovneydazzlers Mon 04-Dec-17 05:46:40

No OP!
With that attitude of you don’t want to rock the boat now you’ll be paying for far more than that!
Say no to the dress you don’t like! Don’t agree to a crap dress if you have to pay a penny towards it!
I think your DH needs a talk with her NOW because you are underestimating the potential escalating costs.

If she’s asking you to pay bridesmaid dress she will clearly ask for flower girl dress, if you don’t tell her now you’ll be $2k down before you know it (flower girl outfit/hen do/stag do/accommodation (?)/matching shoes...)

WS12 Mon 04-Dec-17 05:50:13

... oh and I forgot to mention that the engagement party is going to be a BBQ/buffet and I overheard her saying they're asking people to contribute as in "bring a plate" to the party.

Is it just me or do they not want to pay for anything? My worry is there's nothing in the pot and she's desperate to get married 😢

I'm hoping hen do things will come under the payment of my MIL and eldest SIL who is the head bridesmaid.

WS12 Mon 04-Dec-17 05:52:34

Yes I'm definitely going to have a word about the dress, I'm going to pick a different one I hate spaghetti straps they so don't suite my arms 😩

Bovneydazzlers Mon 04-Dec-17 05:55:58

Hmm I think it’s unlikely hen do will be paid for... that’s unusual for it not to be split between all hens. Bet she wants full holiday away and not just one night on the town too...

MaitlandGirl Mon 04-Dec-17 05:57:55

That’s just crazy - we’re getting married in July 2019 and we’re paying for everything. My girls are bridesmaids and their dresses were $30 each from eBay!

Yes, we’re having a wishing well at the wedding (that’s how it works in DPS family) but we’re going to ask for Kmart vouchers, let’s be honest who doesn’t love Kmart!!

My family will be incurring costs as they’re all in the UK but we’ve deliberately chosen a date when my sister was going to be here anyway and my mum comes over every year so hopefully she’ll be here then as well (health and age permitting).

Please talk to your SIL about the costs - if you can’t afford it resentment will just build and it’ll spoil the relationship you have with her.

HuskyMcClusky Mon 04-Dec-17 06:02:42

Are you serious? I live in Australia and this is not normal.

The couple should be paying for the bridesmaids’ outfits, hair & shoes, and for the engagement party catering.

People bring just a card to engagement parties, or a bottle of champagne at most. But a wishing well??! No. shock

Just say no. They’re being rude & grabby.

APieceOfLatrice Mon 04-Dec-17 06:04:28

Are you from the UK? Wishing wells are really common in Oz, and I have paid for bridesmaid dresses a few times (still never wear them again though wink)

If you are really worried, you could suggest they set up a registry with a travel agent for the actual wedding wishing well. I've seen that a few times and it's always nice to know the cash is genuinely going towards a honeymoon.

Gaudeamus Mon 04-Dec-17 06:05:38

Re the dress - you can't insist that another person spend $300 on an item that they don't like, didn't choose and wouldn't have bought otherwise. That's outrageous, and it's beyond sweet of you to say you'll suck it up.

Re the money - I secretly think this kind of makes sense. Most people marrying now don't need to set up home for the first time, and would find it tricky to accommodate large volumes of new possessions. I also dislike the idea of encouraging the mass acquisition of unneccessary goods. Since the wedding and honeymoon are major expenses, and I would want to make them as fantastic as possible for the couple, it seems perfectly sensible to me for everyone to chip in for the events rather than presents.

On the other hand, I would feel incredibly crass asking for money myself and would never, ever do so grin

APieceOfLatrice Mon 04-Dec-17 06:05:55

And, maybe my mates are different, it seems. We are poor artsy types, marrying after living together for yonks. Crockery, vases, towels - it's such a waste.

HuskyMcClusky Mon 04-Dec-17 06:07:11

Wishing wells are really common in Oz

Not at the weddings I’ve been to, and certainly not at the engagement party!

WS12 Mon 04-Dec-17 06:13:45

Yes I was surprised they said they were having one at each occasion, the party and the wedding but we'll put something in each time, I'm not tight or mean like that.

Yes I will buy the dress and will ask about a different style and see what she says. Part of me does think it's grubby and rude... if people want to get married they should be able to pay but that's maybes just me. When I was bridesmaid in the past I did pay for my hair and makeup about £35 but everything else was covered.

I will pay for whatever- I don't want to cause trouble. As I say I'm just glad it's not me being a Scrooge and that it is in fact unusual to chip in so much.

They don't get love together either, he has a place on his own and she's still at home. They don't need items for the house so I'm more than happy to give money!

LoislovesStewie Mon 04-Dec-17 06:14:04

I think the issue is that lots of women ( and sorry I do often think it is only women) want to have some huge fairy tale type wedding that they just can't afford. Have you also factored in what your DH will have to wear, or your DD for that matter? I can see costs just rocketing . I've met a couple of couple ( if you see what I mean) who have had huge expensive weddings and got divorced before the ink was dry on the marriage certificates. I really think you should either say , actually I think it's best if I'm not bridesmaid because I'm married and think it should only be singles;or say look it's going to get too expensive . My DH and I wanted to just slope off to the register office and drag 2 witnesses off the street; in the end we had a very small wedding . In fact I now a couple who got fed up as the parents were planning an ever more elaborate do , they didn't want that so, they went out riding one morning ( they were very horsey ) and did just that !Got married in riding gear with 2 witnesses off the street! Perhaps you could suggest they elope? I am joking BTW about that.

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