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AIBU to be a nag

(71 Posts)
AmiU Sun 03-Dec-17 22:42:54

I am at my wits end with DH. We've been married 8 years and fight incessantly. He maintains this is because I'm a 'nag' who is perpetually arsey. I'm always looking for faults and it's entirely my doing that our relationship is so rubbish.

I feel like I am driven to constant nagging by his behaviour but I hate saying that, as it sounds awfully close to an abusive/ controlling partner.

These were tonight's events, but they pretty much represent every day of our lives.

DH has been gone for a week. Four days for a business trip and then three days tacked on as a holiday (annual leave) to stay somewhere warm and sunny with his family. Holiday was not discussed with me, when I pointed out it should have been, I was told I was a terrible person trying to isolate him from his family. Conference call was held with his family discussing my faults.

I've been home alone with a DD5 and DS2, both unwell and asthmatic, no support network or childcare.

I really did not want to argue on his first day back.

He flew back this evening (first class) and:

Called from the taxi to enquire about dinner. Moaned about what I'd made and asked for different dinner. I made modifications.

Entered, throwing jacket on the floor, kicking off shoes and socks, opening suitcase and flinging out belongings while searching for a present. I politely asked him not to make a mess. Was ignored.

Said present was showed off. It was a designer present for himself, from the airport. Nothing for me. I admired the present.

Went to use the toilet and left a disgusting mess. Did not clean it. I ask him to do so nearly every day of my life. Ignored each time.

He demanded a back massage to de-stress from the flight (child free! First class!) I complied. Whined about how rubbish my massage was, he could tell I wasn't exerting enough effort.

I asked him to help with a small component of the bedtime routine (heating milk for DS). Was told I was inconsiderate as he'd had a long flight. Did bedtime myself, as I have for the last week and every weeknight.

Got to DS's room to find that he had passed out on DS's bed, snoring incredible loudly. Asked him to move. He replied I was picking a fight, my child and I are too precious, I should work around him and put DS to sleep. DS obviously wouldn't settle, and has taken forever to go to sleep. I have just left his room at 10:30 pm!

I am now FUMING and I know I won't have the patience to do it all again tomorrow without snapping.

I feel really guilty, because it's true that he gets on with whatever he wants to do, and suggests I do the same. I'm the one whose always pointing out his behaviour. I don't want to be controlling and bitter and negative but I feel as though I'm backed into a corner, or AIBU?

Uptownfuckuup Sun 03-Dec-17 22:48:55

Why did you change dinner and give him a back massage ?

Coffeeisnecessary Sun 03-Dec-17 22:49:19

Does he do anything nice? as he sounds awful! I think you have been incredibly patient, what do you get out of the marriage?

AmiU Sun 03-Dec-17 22:53:39

Uptown - if I don't do something, he will inevitably tell me I'm being stroppy and picking a fight.

Coffee - to be honest, the only thing he contributes is his salary as I'm a SAHM

SlartyFarkBarstard Sun 03-Dec-17 22:54:05

You’re being walked all over and treated like staff by this cretin.
What on Earth is keeping you in this marriage? please don’t say the children! This is an awful example for him to be setting them and you by staying.
Surely you’re worth more than being an unpaid maid and doormat to this utter twat?

HolyShet Sun 03-Dec-17 22:55:57

he gets on with whatever he wants to do, and suggests I do the same
hardly a partnership is it?
more a flatshare with you facilitating his progeny and being a slave

Pandapenguin Sun 03-Dec-17 22:56:41

Depressing. The toilet thing sickened me and the rest is: urrrrgh.

timeisnotaline Sun 03-Dec-17 22:58:07

I don't know if it's even worth discussing with him. The relationship sounds like a complete waste of time and it should be over. I CANNOT believe you have him a back massage!! After a holiday and a first class flight!

RestingGrinchFace Sun 03-Dec-17 22:59:09

He's the one being unreasonable, you should be doing more than just nagging. You should most definitely stop accommodating his ridiculous behaviour.

Migraleve Sun 03-Dec-17 22:59:37

We've been married 8 years and fight incessantly

Maybe it's time to end it?

AmiU Sun 03-Dec-17 23:04:46

Migraleve - it's been playing on my mind. The day to day fighting really wears me down and I hate the person I'm becoming

ColonelJackONeil Sun 03-Dec-17 23:06:02

What an Arse! I can't believe he bought himself a present back from holiday and nothing for you or the D.C.!
You say he does what he wants and suggests you do the same but this is not possible. Can you just swan off for 3 days and leave him to look after the D.C.? I think not.

VladmirsPoutine Sun 03-Dec-17 23:07:00

He sounds bloody awful. And that's putting it nicely.

VelvetKK Sun 03-Dec-17 23:07:41

He is outrageous! A present for himself?! Surely his holiday was present enough.

Ungrateful git and I don't think he's likely to change his ways because he clearly seems to think it's working for him. I mean this in a nice way, not goady or mean, but you don't have to give into that idiot. Don't change dinner if he doesn't like it, he's got his own hands to make his own. Don't give him a back massage for him to complain and criticise, tel him to do it himself since everything you do is so apparently substandard for him.

So sorry you need to deal with that thanks

TroelsLovesSquinkies Sun 03-Dec-17 23:09:08

God he sounds bloody awful why do you even bother?
Life would be much calmer and happier without this knob.

PickAChew Sun 03-Dec-17 23:09:49

The only change I would have made to his dinner is dropping it on the floor.

PickAChew Sun 03-Dec-17 23:10:21

Then still serving it to him.

OwlBeBack Sun 03-Dec-17 23:10:35

Sounds like my ex. It doesn’t get better. Get out. Get rid. You’ll look back and wonder why the hell you stayed so long.

HolyShet Sun 03-Dec-17 23:11:09

Telling you you are a nag is just another way of keeping you in your place and making you feel bad about yourself.

if you think the relationship is worth saving I'd take him at his word and start doing whatever the fuck you like

NoSquirrels Sun 03-Dec-17 23:11:46

he gets on with whatever he wants to do, and suggests I do the same

Not quite true though, is it?

Unless you genuinely wanted to:

Cook a different dinner
Give a back massage
Do bedtime all by yourself

and even if you had wanted to do bedtime all by yourself, you couldn’t, because he fell asleep in your DS’s room - what he wanted to do directly conflicted with your work.

How can that attitude work long term for parenting, leaving aside your relationship?

He sounds dreadful.

Ceebs85 Sun 03-Dec-17 23:11:52

He sounds self centred, ignorant, uncaring and insufferable! He's treating you like staff rather than a wife.

Unless he has some major redeeming features this can't go on. You're worth far more than this.

expatinscotland Sun 03-Dec-17 23:13:30

I'd get a job, and then leave his arse.

ticketytock1 Sun 03-Dec-17 23:14:49

This has to be a joke??!!!
You have to leave him as soon as you can. He sounds rotten to the core.
Have you tried to iron out these issues before?
Counselling / behavioural therapy?

expatinscotland Sun 03-Dec-17 23:15:51

And since he told you to do as you please, too, don't give him a fucking back massage or make his dinner and throw anything he casts on the floor in the bin. When he complains, remind him he told you to do as you please, so you are.

gamerchick Sun 03-Dec-17 23:16:09

Wow you’re the maid. Bravo!

When he wants sex tomorrow I’m assuming you’ll oblige?

I’m agog at what you’ve wrote tbh. Where is your role model for your kids to aspire too?

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